Then and Now
I'm just thinking of my life. I'm thinking of where I've been and where I am now.
I've noticed that I am finally happy. I'm finally happy with what's going on in my life and I'm happy about where my life is headed. Don't get me wrong, I've been miserable since Tuesday because Man Beast has been out of the state. But still, even being miserable, I have happiness! I was only miserable because I miss him so much and all I could feel was that pain. But there was still happiness. I could tell it was there. Even as pathetic as I was this past week, I was still happy. I could still think of Dave and smile, just knowing that he loves me, I love him, and he would be home in a few days. It wasn't until Saturday that I had a good day again. But, that's okay. Not every day is going to be the happiest, it's what I make of it. I ended every day with a good thought. No matter how sad I was, I kept positive thoughts for before bed. It helped me not feel so bad about everything. Making that conscious effort helped me a lot.
A few years ago, if I was this upset, I would have tried to end it all. Instead I've tried to find a positive. I would have just gotten down and not tried to pick myself up. But I was fighting my own misery. It was a losing battle, but just the effort of trying helped me out. That's weird to me, but I enjoy it!
I'm much stronger now than I used to be. I'm a stronger person now. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. I'm still afraid of so many things, but that's okay. I've been working on so much of it for the past two years! It's been a whole bunch of baby steps, but I see what it's done for me. I can look upon my past and accept it. I still don't understand ALL of it, but I can accept it. I can say: "Yeah, it happened, and it sucked. But hey, I'm still here and I'm still going on and going strong." I used to think I was still so weak, but I'm starting to see the strength.
I still want to be protected and loved. That's one thing I'll always want and need, but at least now I have it. I've been alone for a week, and yeah, it's been effecting me. I've felt the pain of it, but I lived through it. I didn't feel "abandoned", just lonely. Lonely is easier than "abandoned". I enjoy knowing I'm not abandoned by Dave. This was a trip he needed to make, and we couldn't have afforded for me to go to North Carolina for a week. But, that's okay. I stayed here and worked, and even got the motivation to clean some of the apartment. I never did tackle the bedroom or the bathroom. But hey, I got the kitchen completely cleaned and the living room is much much better than it was. I've tried to keep myself as busy as I could deal with. I didn't let the sadness stop me from living. Even if living was hiding in this apartment and cleaning. But, really, where do I want to go alone? I did go out a few times. I went to a few stores by myself, and made it back alive!
My life was my pain! How did I live like that? I mean, I guess it was the only REAL way for me to get through it. I used to be so possessive of my pain and sadness. I understood that I was possessive of it. I saw it, I just didn't know how to make the pain stop. It was the only thing that had been a constant in my life and never let me down. My pain never left me, and I clung to it. Now, I don't cling to pain. I can feel it and understand it. But I'm not possessive of it. I'd rather find a way to ground out the negative energies of pain and keep going with life. It's much better that way, for me and those I do care about.
I see my family now. I see them for what they really are. I respect who they are, even if I'm not always their biggest fan. But, hey, I don't have to be. I do still love them, I just feel so far away from them. I don't understand them still, but I see things more clearly now.
Music is still my life. It truly saves me when I need it the most! It always has. But, I see new ways to use it. Hell, this week alone I used ICP and Twiztid to fight off insanity. Strange...Psychopathic helped me not go psycho! HAHAHAHAHA! I love the irony! It brings a huge smile to my face! It's easy for me to get lost into the music I listen to. It's really entertaining to me. I can see what different songs and genres or sub genres can do to my mood. It's why I went with ICP and Twiztid. It makes me laugh and I have so many good memories with it. Why not just have some fun and try to keep myself from going nuts!
Life is better for me now. I'm not feeling so worthless and useless anymore. It helps having someone that loves me for everything I am. He doesn't judge me, though he will make silly comments about silly things I do!
I'm doing something major tomorrow. Despite my severe fear of public/people and my fear of being alone, I'm going to Boston on a train, by myself. I'll also be in Boston alone for about an hour. I have no idea what I'll end up doing for an hour, but that's fine. I might just sit around at the airport and wait for Dave, or I might wander around the T station until it's time for Dave's plane to be at the airport. I have no clue yet! It's okay though, I'll figure something out. And hey, there's always SOMEONE that will be willing to offer advice if I can't figure out where the hell I should go next. I'm doing this for Dave, and I'm doing this for me. I want to be stronger than I've ever been. I want to be in Boston when he arrives. I refuse to drive, traffic is crazy and so are Boston drivers. Plus, tolls! Why should I deal with traffic AND tolls. Bah! I'll try dealing with people instead. Sure I won't know anyone, but I can keep to myself and bring a sudoku book or SOMETHING to keep myself entertained. But, still, if I can do this, then I'm going to be so proud of myself. Yeah, it's freaky for me, yeah, it's freaking me out a bit. But, I still have confidence in myself right now. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I refuse to let myself back down. I've had to do that another time this week too. Sure it wasn't for something nearly this grandiose, but I had to put my foot down for myself.
Alright. I'm going to go back to doing silly random stuff again. I just felt like venting/blogging, or whatever the hell I was doing here. Just writing out shit in my head again I guess. It's all good with me!
I've noticed that I am finally happy. I'm finally happy with what's going on in my life and I'm happy about where my life is headed. Don't get me wrong, I've been miserable since Tuesday because Man Beast has been out of the state. But still, even being miserable, I have happiness! I was only miserable because I miss him so much and all I could feel was that pain. But there was still happiness. I could tell it was there. Even as pathetic as I was this past week, I was still happy. I could still think of Dave and smile, just knowing that he loves me, I love him, and he would be home in a few days. It wasn't until Saturday that I had a good day again. But, that's okay. Not every day is going to be the happiest, it's what I make of it. I ended every day with a good thought. No matter how sad I was, I kept positive thoughts for before bed. It helped me not feel so bad about everything. Making that conscious effort helped me a lot.
A few years ago, if I was this upset, I would have tried to end it all. Instead I've tried to find a positive. I would have just gotten down and not tried to pick myself up. But I was fighting my own misery. It was a losing battle, but just the effort of trying helped me out. That's weird to me, but I enjoy it!
I'm much stronger now than I used to be. I'm a stronger person now. I'm not as afraid as I used to be. I'm still afraid of so many things, but that's okay. I've been working on so much of it for the past two years! It's been a whole bunch of baby steps, but I see what it's done for me. I can look upon my past and accept it. I still don't understand ALL of it, but I can accept it. I can say: "Yeah, it happened, and it sucked. But hey, I'm still here and I'm still going on and going strong." I used to think I was still so weak, but I'm starting to see the strength.
I still want to be protected and loved. That's one thing I'll always want and need, but at least now I have it. I've been alone for a week, and yeah, it's been effecting me. I've felt the pain of it, but I lived through it. I didn't feel "abandoned", just lonely. Lonely is easier than "abandoned". I enjoy knowing I'm not abandoned by Dave. This was a trip he needed to make, and we couldn't have afforded for me to go to North Carolina for a week. But, that's okay. I stayed here and worked, and even got the motivation to clean some of the apartment. I never did tackle the bedroom or the bathroom. But hey, I got the kitchen completely cleaned and the living room is much much better than it was. I've tried to keep myself as busy as I could deal with. I didn't let the sadness stop me from living. Even if living was hiding in this apartment and cleaning. But, really, where do I want to go alone? I did go out a few times. I went to a few stores by myself, and made it back alive!
My life was my pain! How did I live like that? I mean, I guess it was the only REAL way for me to get through it. I used to be so possessive of my pain and sadness. I understood that I was possessive of it. I saw it, I just didn't know how to make the pain stop. It was the only thing that had been a constant in my life and never let me down. My pain never left me, and I clung to it. Now, I don't cling to pain. I can feel it and understand it. But I'm not possessive of it. I'd rather find a way to ground out the negative energies of pain and keep going with life. It's much better that way, for me and those I do care about.
I see my family now. I see them for what they really are. I respect who they are, even if I'm not always their biggest fan. But, hey, I don't have to be. I do still love them, I just feel so far away from them. I don't understand them still, but I see things more clearly now.
Music is still my life. It truly saves me when I need it the most! It always has. But, I see new ways to use it. Hell, this week alone I used ICP and Twiztid to fight off insanity. Strange...Psychopathic helped me not go psycho! HAHAHAHAHA! I love the irony! It brings a huge smile to my face! It's easy for me to get lost into the music I listen to. It's really entertaining to me. I can see what different songs and genres or sub genres can do to my mood. It's why I went with ICP and Twiztid. It makes me laugh and I have so many good memories with it. Why not just have some fun and try to keep myself from going nuts!
Life is better for me now. I'm not feeling so worthless and useless anymore. It helps having someone that loves me for everything I am. He doesn't judge me, though he will make silly comments about silly things I do!
I'm doing something major tomorrow. Despite my severe fear of public/people and my fear of being alone, I'm going to Boston on a train, by myself. I'll also be in Boston alone for about an hour. I have no idea what I'll end up doing for an hour, but that's fine. I might just sit around at the airport and wait for Dave, or I might wander around the T station until it's time for Dave's plane to be at the airport. I have no clue yet! It's okay though, I'll figure something out. And hey, there's always SOMEONE that will be willing to offer advice if I can't figure out where the hell I should go next. I'm doing this for Dave, and I'm doing this for me. I want to be stronger than I've ever been. I want to be in Boston when he arrives. I refuse to drive, traffic is crazy and so are Boston drivers. Plus, tolls! Why should I deal with traffic AND tolls. Bah! I'll try dealing with people instead. Sure I won't know anyone, but I can keep to myself and bring a sudoku book or SOMETHING to keep myself entertained. But, still, if I can do this, then I'm going to be so proud of myself. Yeah, it's freaky for me, yeah, it's freaking me out a bit. But, I still have confidence in myself right now. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS! I refuse to let myself back down. I've had to do that another time this week too. Sure it wasn't for something nearly this grandiose, but I had to put my foot down for myself.
Alright. I'm going to go back to doing silly random stuff again. I just felt like venting/blogging, or whatever the hell I was doing here. Just writing out shit in my head again I guess. It's all good with me!