wait for it...
Тэд- Почему ты спишь в нашей ванной?
Барни- Керамика предохраняет костюм от образования складок.
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Есть только одна причина ждать целый месяц, чтобы переспать с девушкой - это если ей 17 лет и 11 месяцев
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- О, привет, где это вы, парни?
- Мы в благотворительной организации, помогаем молодым девушкам получить немного денег для местного колледжа.
- Стрип-клуб, отлично
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-Ты отверг порнозвезду?Дружба окончена...ДРУЖБА ОКОНЧЕНА!
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“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro-I'm Broda!”
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“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.”
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“Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape-and I knew you’d pick this one-you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things: Either I’m dead, or I’m now in a committed relationship. If I’m dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and re-creating Weekend at Bernie’s. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please, for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF THIS!”
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Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story
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Ted: Barney, I am going to kill you.
Barney: Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool
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Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade--provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.
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For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York!
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How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as gremlins. Rule number one: never get them wet. In otherwards, don't let her take a shower in your place. Rule number two: keep them away from sunlight. i.e don't ever see them during the day. And rule number three: never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her, ever
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when I'm sad I stop being sad and start being awesome instead
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