ooc; the Kairi reports + in-depth topics
My trust was something I tossed around carelessly, I’ll admit. In return, it cost me a lot of things, a lot of friends, and a lot of love. I understand the mistakes I’ve made concerning my trust. I like to think that I made good decisions most of the time. Making friends with Rinoa, Euphie, Misa, Baralai, Rikku… those were the good choices.
The not-so smart choices I realize were Hojo though at least the one I thought I befriended was gone before I left, Vexen, and others. I noticed a pattern with those other than that they’re all crazy scientists, but there are also the ones that… I’m not entirely sure of.
Like Xemnas; I hate to mention names, but he did warn me several times, if I recall correctly. That was the problem, though. He warned me. He cared enough to try to keep me safe, but I was stubborn. I still am, but if something’s good for me, I’ll listen. I’m not going to jump off a bridge for no good reason, but if it’s to save someone else that’s close to me, like Riku or Sora, then I’ll do it.
I know that’s going to be my downfall one of these days, if it hasn’t been already.
However, the heart is indeed a strong thing. I’ll admit I was weak then. My heart couldn’t adjust quickly enough to my surroundings and all of the things that were happening around me. Watching Warren be turned to stone was simply the turning point for me when I should’ve started adjusting, but I was foolish and passed the opportunity.
My next opportunity was when Riku was taken over by Xehanort’s Heartless again. I still passed it up, and I kept doing so until it was too much for me to take.
The stress and my weakness and even my burden of upholding my image was getting to me, causing me to lose focus on myself and forget any and all rational thought I had. My life as I knew it was slowly crumbling around me, and the added stress of dealing with the other Xemnas’ harassment wasn’t helping at all. He broke me down, made me weaker than I already was.
Because of that, I put all of my trust in the Xemnas I already practically trusted with my heart. Not my life, but my heart. … I should’ve left that task to Riku. I did at first, but it slowly changed, moved from person to person.
Xemnas offered help for myself, and I took it. Val was right; I could’ve gone to anyone else-her, Riku, Sora, Misa, anyone. But he was the first to offer. And who was I to pass up that chance when I was yearning for someone else to count on?
So I went. I went to him voluntarily with the hope that he could make me better. Yes, he comforted me, said things that made me both trust him and distrust his reflection more than I already did. He was telling me the truth that I denied myself.
My problem was that I was still denying it, and he was going to use any means necessary to help me. No, I’m not blaming him. I let him do it.
Why? It was because I trusted him. I think I still do, though. He kept his promises, but I couldn’t keep mine. I wouldn’t blame him if he lost that trust in me, if he had any in me at all.
I made many bad choices during my time there. Am I sorry for them? Of course I am. Have they made me a better person? Yes, they have.
After all, the real mistakes are the ones you don’t learn from. Believe me, I’ve learned plenty from them.
If I ever return there, I’m going to personally test each and every one of my friendships. Only the truly loyal ones will I trust again.
Never again will I let my trust be taken advantage of. Never again will I put my heart in the hands of another person whom I absolutely know I can’t trust.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well… I didn’t want to experience that, not with Baralai and Xemnas. I forced myself to think less of them, as much as it hurt to do so. Yes, I still thought about them a lot, but when I did, I had to remind myself that we could only be friends. Nothing more.
… I’m sure Lai would be happy to know it. It’d be one less secret he’d have to hide from Gippal. Though, I’m sure he’ll end up telling him anyway, now that so many others already know. Strange how no one seemed to get upset with me about the kiss.
Xemnas… I’m not so sure. Would he be mad that I finally admitted to myself that I cared more than I let on, just to turn around and deny it again? Would he be glad that I’m one less burden for him to carry now?
Was it really all that bad for me to do what I did? In a sense… I’ve known him all my life. I know he isn’t Xehanort anymore, but he isn’t not him, either.
I know that I can trust Xemnas. I know I can trust Xaldin. I’m sure that if I had a chance to speak with Xigbar or Lexaeus, I could trust them, too. Because I know now that I trusted Xehanort. I trusted Braig and Elaeus and Dilan. Even… well, if I had known of my past from the start, I would’ve known not to trust Vexen. Ienzo… Zexion… I was told I used to compliment him everyday. I’d say something about how pretty he was. I think... I managed to get him to smile eventually. Dilan was around when he did from what I know.
I don’t think people realized that I was so trusting, mostly because of our connections in the past. … Now that I think about it, that might’ve been why I trusted Xemnas with my heart. He took care of my heart when I was still so young, when any wrong series of words could break my fragile heart. Xehanort’s repairs to them made my heart stronger, and no one realizes it.
… Yes, I still love Riku. It was hard, telling him those things. It was hard, having to hurt him like that. I hadn’t wanted to tell him, to break his heart like that, but it was inevitable. What happened with Xemnas… with Baralai? In a way, I regret those things, though I’m sure if the situations had been different, if a few relationships hadn’t been there, it wouldn’t be that way.
I hate to sound like I was wishing that if Riku and Gippal weren’t around that things would be wonderful between Baralai and I, or that if Xemnas hadn’t felt such a strong regard for his reflection maybe we could have had something. Deep in the back of my mind, I’m sure I was wishing that. But didn’t I make the effort to try to help Baralai and Gippal through their problems? Didn’t I attempt to help Xemnas with figuring out how to handle his reflection’s reaction to a confession he wanted to make? And didn’t I try my damnedest to keep Riku and myself together?
I could have been selfish, adding to the sin I was there for. But I wasn’t. I thought of them first before I thought of myself.
I still wish I could be with Riku. I wish that, if I were to ever go back there, that I would be able to still have the privilege to hold him close to me. To tell him how much he means to me. … I haven’t held anyone or been held that way since then. Would he be proud of me, that I’ve been able to hold off for so long, or would he be upset because I haven’t moved on?
Or would he just push me away completely? I’m not sure anymore. I thought I knew the answer, but that was only myself hoping for what I wanted the most.
If only I could tell him.
Though, I thought I saw him the other day. Maybe I was just hallucinating, because when I walked back around that corner, he was gone. Maybe I miss him more than I thought. After all, if he was back, I'd be able to know... right?
…When Naminé told me about Sora then… well, that didn’t help matters any. We still need to discuss that. I couldn’t find the heart to bring it up, though I’m regretting it now. I thought he would tell me when he was ready, because I would’ve liked to hear it from his own lips instead of someone else’s. But I’m going to simply have to ask him, or just let it be.
I don’t even know what I’m going to do when that day comes, either when I go back, or he comes home. Will I pretend I don’t know about it, or will he finally confront me? And if he does… what will I do? I can’t just tell him ‘I’m sorry, I’m still in love with Riku’; that’d break his heart. But I don’t want to lead him on, either.
Mm… sometimes, I’ve wondered what it’s like to be a Nobody. To be a being without a heart to feel any emotion except for what I can only remember. If I couldn’t feel-couldn’t care, couldn’t love, couldn’t laugh or smile without there being anything behind it-would I be better off?
Not that I would ever think about doing such a thing. After all, Princesses of Hearts can’t do that. It’s impossible, no matter what anyone tells me. If it were, then I would’ve become a Heartless all those years ago instead of just being unconscious with my heart residing with Sora’s.
Though… what if that was the only reason I didn’t become one? Just because my heart wasn’t really gone or taken by Heartless?
… I need to research this, find out if it’s possible.
Something I realized though, when I was thinking back on what I thought was happening to my heart while I was here… When you lie to yourself so long about something so undeniably true--so much so that it's a deep part of yourself and aided in creating the person you now are--the lie eventually bites at the back of your mind, practically begging for you to pay attention to it; to acknowledge its existence.
At first, I thought that lie was that my heart couldn’t be tainted by darkness. I lied to myself about it because… I wanted to believe that my heart could have a hint of darkness in it. I was tired of being a Princess of Heart and being expected to be this perfect little girl who never made mistakes and I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be like Yuffie or Olette. Nothing special was expected from them.
But then I went home. Yes, I was sent back to the islands at first, but then I went to my real homeworld. Radiant Garden. I spoke with people, but very few of them actually knew anything that I was looking for. At the time, I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for. Eventually, though, I got curious. I found my way into Ansem’s study and read every book, studied every chart that I could find. There wasn’t much there, but what I did find was interesting. Though it wasn’t what I was looking for still. All I knew was that when I found it, I’d know.
I never did find it.
But the information I took in while I was there, about hearts and things I already knew about, but were elaborated on intensely, it made me realize that I only believed what I was telling myself was a lie. I realized that Destiny had made me a Princess of Heart for a reason, and that even if there was an illusion of darkness creeping into my heart in my mind, it wasn’t really happening. I was only fooling myself.
Ryota… I hope he’s been taken good care of while I was gone… He wasn’t attracted to me because of the ‘foreign darkness’; it was simply my own kindness and light resonating around me. I just didn’t acknowledge it because I was lying to myself.
The one thing I haven’t figured out yet that’s truly making me curious is… was it just this place that was making the former Organization members grow hearts, or was it the possible kindness of others? I have no doubt that I had a hand in a few of these instances, just as Misa helped with Demyx. But… there are other cases when it wasn’t because of others with light and kindness and love in their hearts that others grew them. And then there are the cases where certain ones weren’t growing a heart at all. Does it really just depend on the situation, or is it their state of mind? I’m sure there were those who were hell-bent on not growing one, and they haven’t.
It really makes one wonder, doesn’t it?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I thought about a lot more than that. Like putting myself into danger to help others. Well, everyone knows I’d do anything to help a friend, or anyone that’s suffering, even if I don’t know him or her. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed over the years. Whether it’s homework or a bee sting, sneaking out at night to comfort someone or throwing my life on the line to protect the ones I love… that will never change. I’m afraid that not everyone realizes that.
During her time away from Purgatorium, Kairi had plenty of time to think about what she did in her past while she was here, and what her flaws were. Most of these were written during that time, excluding report number 8. Number 8 was written after she found more information on Nobodies and Heartless in Ansem's study--it's nothing the original six members of Organzation XIII don't already know, just a few things clarified that were never really explained to her. Number 8 was also written when she intended to stay there in Radiant Garden, but had to go back to the islands for some inexplicable reason. Due to that, it was something she was planning on testing out on herself, but never got the chance to.
At the moment, these notes are tucked safely in her bag and will be kept with her at all times until she can find a safer place to keep them.