(no subject)

[luciousbrunette]

Well see we have a problem here..Me and John had a serious talk last night about the whole me and him thing and he wanted to know what was going on and i said to him seriously i have no idea.I mean i like him but i just dont think im ready to get into another relationship already i mean me and Jay have only been broken up for a month.I mean it would be different if i didnt love Jay but i still do love him.I always will love him.John told me hes not trying to pressure me into a relationship but thats what he wants and i said well i like you but i really dont know.I told him that i still need time because its not fair to John for me to go out with him and then still have some feelings for Jay and still love him and as i said ill always love Jay but in time it wont be in the same way i used to i wont be inlove with him anymore but as i said that is going to take time.The thing is i dont want to loose John though hes a great guy and he has been there for me.Maybe what i need is to have a new boyfriend i mean Jay has a new girlfriend and so now i know that it is really over and now i know there is no hope for me and him.I guess one of the big things iv been thinking about is getting hurt the two guys iv actually fell inlove with hurt me and i feel like every guy i date is going to hurt me.John told me that he liked me while me and jay were going out and that when we broke up he was upset because he knew i loved him but also kind of happy because then he knew he had some sort of chance with me.Im so confused on what to do help me guys what should i do?Im just so scared because my first boyfriend was martin i fell inlove with him and then he breaks up with me and i find out he cheated on me and then a week later he has a new girlfriend.Then Jay he tells me hes never felt the way he feels about me toward any other girl and it scares him how much he loves me and how he fell inlove with me at first sight treats me so good and then starts being mean then breaks up with me and then plays games with my head and i knew he was going to like this girl and he tells me know and he wonders why i got so worried and then he ends up liking her pushes me away just throws away everything like its nothing and then tells me hes fucking her and that there going out.The thing is with jay no matter what he says or does i can never stay mad at him or hate him its weird.Maybe its because he used to be different and he was nothing like any other guy but now he has changed so much its unbelievable and i know deep down weather he wants to admit it or not he still loves me not in the friend way the way like hes still inlove with me and hes treating me like shit and doing all this other stuff because he feels thats the only way to get over me and i know he still has feelings for me because if he didnt he wouldnt of came and got me when i was drunk or kissed me or even cared when i said i never wanted to see or talk to him again.He feels there is no other way but to date someone else and just push me away but i think if you really love something dont push it away because that might be ur one and only chance to be with that person.If you love someone and want to be with someone dont keep saying its over when you really dont want it to be.The truth is there is no reason for me to care or hold on any longer because i did try and i wouldnt let go but he fucked up and just left me there to be broken hearted and when you love someone you dont do that.Im over it now and i thought i never would be but i thought to myself if hes gunna be like that then hes not worth it.I think im going to give the whole me and John thing a try because i like him and he really cares about me and he really wants to be with me.And the most important thing is he respects me.Im hanging out with John later tonight and i think ill tell him that im ready to start off with a relationship not boyfriend and girlfriend i think the word they call it is "together" were not offically going out but were together.If anyone thinks i shouldnt do this speak up and leave a comment because if noone does then im going to go ahead and do it.Also if you have advice on what i should do also leave me comments thanks everyone.
I almost forgot what it felt like to be happy but now im happy again and it feels great!
*Much Love*
Megzy