Sometimes I forget I'm alive.
Can you remember when you were a kid? Maybe you were easily entertained, making a fort out of assorted sheets and blankets, a few pillows thrown in for comfort. Maybe you'd let your imagination run wild when you would pop both ends of a box out, imagining that you would be someone from the Jetsons in your own little flying machine going to some planet that you made up in your spare time. Maybe you filled up most of your time playing Sega while waiting for your dinner to be ready. On Friday's, you knew that it was going to be Fast Food Friday - the most exciting part of your week.
These days, you're grown up now. You're woken up by your alarm 5 days a week. You go to a 40 hour week job, filling up the days by finishing paperwork up, writing important emails or writing haiku's to keep yourself calm, knowing that you'll make your next deadline.
I've lost something. I've lost something that I can remember used to be filled up so easily. I have so much I want to do, yet hardly any persistence. Sometimes I think that stuff like this will pass. But it never seems to. I love drawing, and I want to get better at it. Sometimes people find me doodling on a bit of spare paper at work, and then I put it away, feeling guilty that I'm not actually getting paid to doodle. I want to be able to save up enough money to buy a camera, to do what I think I'm good at again.. But I get sidetracked. Or there are more important expenses to be taken care of.
There's plenty more of those sorts of examples. I've just lost something. I want to be a kid again, if only for the fact that I know that I had an imagination that would keep me entertained for hours on end.
But I've lost those training wheels. I lost them sometime ago. I'm in the big person shoes now, doing what everyone has to do sooner or later. But how can people do so much? I feel tired everyday. The weekends somewhat get me down because I have nothing to keep me occupied. To stop me from thinking.
There's so much around us. There's plenty of things to do without needing to spend money. All I need is to step outside. I know stuff is there, but it doesn't keep me occupied. I'm still thinking about so much whenever I go for a walk. I want to stop thinking, to let it be pushed away for some moments so I can have fun. So I can feel alive.
I know whenever I write things like this in my journal that have been mulling around in my head for a few weeks, fermenting, if you will, that someone will have an answer. That I know the answers will come. Sometimes I even know the answers. I usually would let a post like this subside and rest. Knowing that feelings like these will go away.
Not this time.
It's written down now.
Fuck. Time for a chip sandwich.
These days, you're grown up now. You're woken up by your alarm 5 days a week. You go to a 40 hour week job, filling up the days by finishing paperwork up, writing important emails or writing haiku's to keep yourself calm, knowing that you'll make your next deadline.
I've lost something. I've lost something that I can remember used to be filled up so easily. I have so much I want to do, yet hardly any persistence. Sometimes I think that stuff like this will pass. But it never seems to. I love drawing, and I want to get better at it. Sometimes people find me doodling on a bit of spare paper at work, and then I put it away, feeling guilty that I'm not actually getting paid to doodle. I want to be able to save up enough money to buy a camera, to do what I think I'm good at again.. But I get sidetracked. Or there are more important expenses to be taken care of.
There's plenty more of those sorts of examples. I've just lost something. I want to be a kid again, if only for the fact that I know that I had an imagination that would keep me entertained for hours on end.
But I've lost those training wheels. I lost them sometime ago. I'm in the big person shoes now, doing what everyone has to do sooner or later. But how can people do so much? I feel tired everyday. The weekends somewhat get me down because I have nothing to keep me occupied. To stop me from thinking.
There's so much around us. There's plenty of things to do without needing to spend money. All I need is to step outside. I know stuff is there, but it doesn't keep me occupied. I'm still thinking about so much whenever I go for a walk. I want to stop thinking, to let it be pushed away for some moments so I can have fun. So I can feel alive.
I know whenever I write things like this in my journal that have been mulling around in my head for a few weeks, fermenting, if you will, that someone will have an answer. That I know the answers will come. Sometimes I even know the answers. I usually would let a post like this subside and rest. Knowing that feelings like these will go away.
Not this time.
It's written down now.
Fuck. Time for a chip sandwich.