Confusion drowns the sanity in me.
I've been absolutely at my wits end lately with confusion to what I will do in my future. It's been bothering me greatly, seeing there's so many points and factors with so much history behind them all - that I don't think many would understand or see the problems into what might, or will happen when things change around here.
I've got a lot to worry about. Dad has changed his opinions and has been like a masked beast all this time. I've noticed only in the past few weeks that my father is deceiving - He has so many masks he can pull on and off at any one time to pull the strings and emotions of any one person he might know. Lately though, he's been a conniving bastard, for lack of any better words. He's been pulling everything to make sure his way will be the only way things are done, and it's hurting Nana and I the most.
Typically as most might know, women are there to do the dirty work behind the scenes. I don't mind doing the dirty work, as long as I'm at least thanked - But I'd be pushed to get that out of my father now. He's manipulating every situation to get the best that he can out of it. If I say I don't want to do something for him, merely because he could get off his fat ass and do it himself, he'll turn the situation around and tell me he'll take _my_ privileges away, such as my car, or my computer if I don't do said thing for him. It's a low way to go to get things your way, but somehow he'll always pull on the "I need sympathy" mask and play the "Woe is me" card at night when he talks about Mum. I understand that he's going through the pain that he is with Mum - But aren't we all? It can't be fair to just throw in your towel just because someone isn't quite 'there' as they were. But now he strings everything out for as long as possible to get things his way.
Now, by now most of you would be yelling and screaming at this post and be telling me the obvious things :
"Move out you whining bitch!"
"Get a real job and get out of the house while you're at it!"
"Why don't you do something about it other than rant about it!"
Yeah yeah. To those people, just stop where you are and leave your flames and short-witted one liners at the door. What you probably haven't noticed is that I'm a genuine, caring person. Possibly this takes the best of me at times like this, because why should I care for someone who's a wanker?
No, I don't care for him much anymore. He hasn't done anything for me in the past few years to make me thank him, but there's no where else to go. No where else to run. I have to take care of my Nana who also suffers like I suffer. I don't want to run away from her, she is the only thing I have and really care for now. So what do I do? I can't flat. I can't go away for 2 main reasons :
A) My Nana and
B) The fact that my Dad could sell this house and has the rights to even though it's in a family trust.
The second one scares me. He's twigged on many times about how he wants to retire and have a house of his own in Akaroa, and live there by himself. Good for some I guess, but where does that leave me? This house has been my life, I can always come back here knowing that it'll always be here if anything does happen to me, as does my brother Hamish. I know too damn well that this house could fetch for over a million, and I don't want to know that my Dad could sell it one day when I'm not there.
Like I've said, there is many things to consider in my future, and I don't know how to move on from the way things are unfolding now. It confuses me, and concerns me because if I'm actually to live a healthy life, I'd need my father not to go behind my back. But I can see.. he's not the person he likes to show other people he is. You can trust no one these days. Ha. Not even your family.
.. At least.. not my family*.
* : meaning : my father.
I've got a lot to worry about. Dad has changed his opinions and has been like a masked beast all this time. I've noticed only in the past few weeks that my father is deceiving - He has so many masks he can pull on and off at any one time to pull the strings and emotions of any one person he might know. Lately though, he's been a conniving bastard, for lack of any better words. He's been pulling everything to make sure his way will be the only way things are done, and it's hurting Nana and I the most.
Typically as most might know, women are there to do the dirty work behind the scenes. I don't mind doing the dirty work, as long as I'm at least thanked - But I'd be pushed to get that out of my father now. He's manipulating every situation to get the best that he can out of it. If I say I don't want to do something for him, merely because he could get off his fat ass and do it himself, he'll turn the situation around and tell me he'll take _my_ privileges away, such as my car, or my computer if I don't do said thing for him. It's a low way to go to get things your way, but somehow he'll always pull on the "I need sympathy" mask and play the "Woe is me" card at night when he talks about Mum. I understand that he's going through the pain that he is with Mum - But aren't we all? It can't be fair to just throw in your towel just because someone isn't quite 'there' as they were. But now he strings everything out for as long as possible to get things his way.
Now, by now most of you would be yelling and screaming at this post and be telling me the obvious things :
"Move out you whining bitch!"
"Get a real job and get out of the house while you're at it!"
"Why don't you do something about it other than rant about it!"
Yeah yeah. To those people, just stop where you are and leave your flames and short-witted one liners at the door. What you probably haven't noticed is that I'm a genuine, caring person. Possibly this takes the best of me at times like this, because why should I care for someone who's a wanker?
No, I don't care for him much anymore. He hasn't done anything for me in the past few years to make me thank him, but there's no where else to go. No where else to run. I have to take care of my Nana who also suffers like I suffer. I don't want to run away from her, she is the only thing I have and really care for now. So what do I do? I can't flat. I can't go away for 2 main reasons :
A) My Nana and
B) The fact that my Dad could sell this house and has the rights to even though it's in a family trust.
The second one scares me. He's twigged on many times about how he wants to retire and have a house of his own in Akaroa, and live there by himself. Good for some I guess, but where does that leave me? This house has been my life, I can always come back here knowing that it'll always be here if anything does happen to me, as does my brother Hamish. I know too damn well that this house could fetch for over a million, and I don't want to know that my Dad could sell it one day when I'm not there.
Like I've said, there is many things to consider in my future, and I don't know how to move on from the way things are unfolding now. It confuses me, and concerns me because if I'm actually to live a healthy life, I'd need my father not to go behind my back. But I can see.. he's not the person he likes to show other people he is. You can trust no one these days. Ha. Not even your family.
.. At least.. not my family*.
* : meaning : my father.