Previous Posts On other Journal
These are posts from a previous journal of mine....
10.05.2005 Tuesday 7:15 pm
Tunes: Seether - Disclaimer II
Mood: Estranged
Let me begin by saying this is entries I’ve written over the past 2 weeks and since then I’ve reached an epiphany of sorts which I will discuss in the last part of this entry post…. -=^.^=-
28.04.2005 - 01.05.2005
Tossed a coin into the wishing well at the hospital for happiness, and I became an uncle today…Shouldn’t I be happy? Birth is something that is supposed to bring joy into the world and yet I feel so empty, so apathetic, so depressed. I’ve spent the last couple of days fighting the urge to cut from the depths of my soul and heart. It’s my drug now more than ever. After losing Christy (Which will be discussed in today’s entry….) and potentially losing Candi I don’t know anymore. It’ much more affecting that I ever thought.
Candi seemed so distanced when last I spoke with her the weekend before last…so what does it mean? Does it really matter? I don’t f*cking know, I get the feeling a lot has changed with everyone who’s known me, and yet in so many ways I’ve changed as well.
I want the taste of blood, the ultimate intimacy of a bloodied lover’s embrace, to taste, to feel, to know I can feel and I’m loved in that way I so desire. Beneath it all my fear has dissolved into nothing, but I wonder if I should have cried or if I should have died.
Another thing that’s been on my mind quite a bit is the fact my birthday is rapidly approaching and all my friends seem to have made other plans, and my family just doesn’t seem to care that it’s only a week away. I don’t want anything other than to hang out with the few people I call friends and for them to wish me happy birthday on a day that otherwise it appears I’m going to spend alone and severely depressed.
“I lay dying & I’m pouring crimson regrets and betrayal.“ Och mein. Das blüzeh, Jayson!
Clinched fists, watering eyes, iron bands closing around my lungs, pins and needles driven deep into my flesh, I don’t know how much more I can take.
I need not to feel so worthless & empty & I need to get out of here while I still can before I freak the fuck out. I’ve never dealt well with being alone and in one place…I guess it’s the Rroma in me.
I’ve been dreaming of New Orleans more and more recently…To get away from everything and to get away from myself if only temporarily.
-=^.^=-
02.05.05
Tunes: Nine Inch Nails
Mood: Manic
What I want and what I need…the thoughts that probably cross those people who read this memoir of the Great Kat. Well I guess that’s what this entry is for! -Grins- So here’s what I desire in a woman…
1. Dark hair and light colored eyes (blue, green, gold) occasionally brown, or blonde hair and light colored eyes. (Think Gwenyth Paltrow)
2. What I find to be a beautiful body such as 34 A - C cup, size 6 - 9, and an arse! That is a must, an ass that is! And ranging in height from 5’5” to 5’11”
3. Intelligence & Open Mindedness
4. Mutual Interests
5. Willing to try different things
6. Great personality
7. Non-judgmental
What I need…
1. People to support my choices
2. Someone to accept me for who I am and my mistakes
3. Someone who loves me for my “quirks” not in spite of them
4. People who can deal with my hypersensitivity
What I have to offer:
1. A truly romantic soul
2. “Immortalization” in my art ( Which is something I’m quite fond of.)
3. Great Sex from what I understand (Though I could be mistaken about that, basing it on what I’ve been told)
4. Supportive and “there” when it’s needed
Okay I’m really starting to feel like I’m posting a singles advertisement and that makes me feel a bit like an idiot….So I’m signing off for now. Good night, my kitties.
-=^.^=-
03.05.05
Tunes: Audioslave
Mood: Shitty…
Sounds of Audioslave , a baby, my sister & her husband, as well as cars passing on the highway…my mind screams all these little things about love, loss, friendship and yet I’m numb inside. It seems like something is wrong with me and it’s starting to show through like a star in the pitch black cloak of night, through the mask of happiness I keep in place.
Everyone seems to think I’m happy most of the time and they’re deadly wrong. I’m not happy…sometimes hyper & euphoric but not happy. I don’t write these entries for pity, pride or any other reason that it helps me stabilize my mind. A way to vent. Don’t get me wrong, I like for my friends to know what’s going on in my life and my fucked up head so that they don’t get the wrong impression if I snap or if I’m too quiet and reserved.
I close my eyes and my mind goes into overdrive…I’m crazy, as hard as that is for me to accept, and I don’t mean mildly crazy, I mean totally certifiable. *Sigh* Why do I feel so alone and completely empty? Must my life always be so chaotic? Am I destined to always be this fucked up chaos child? Even with weekly therapy, I question everything constantly about my life. Does bleeding help? Damn right it does…watching something so completely pure and almost holy come from someone who embodies imperfection, profanity, and utter chaos.
What if things were different? Even if they were I’d still never have what it takes to make another happy or make myself happy for that matter. I just want to take it away…Take it away completely. I’ve said goodbye to many woman on which my life depended, and could it be because I don’t want to hurt them anymore, and perhaps because I don’t want to hurt anymore. GET IT THE FUCK AWAY! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I can’t even look at myself in the mirror because I hate what I see there almost all the time…I can’t seem to hold on to anything that helps anymore…The pain and self loathing get to me more and more and more….Why do I always fuck up? Damn it. EMPTY.
08.05.05
Tunes: None
Mood: Eh, I dunno
“Just remember what the Monty Python boys said”
“Always look on the bright side of life?”
“No, Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”
-James & Helen, Sliding Doors
I sit here today/tonight watching Sliding Doors with Gwenyth Paltrow…(One of my top 10 dream women).
It’s about a woman who gets fired from her PR job and then the film splits into what could have happened in 2 separate stories. In one part she comes home finding her boyfriend sleeping with his ex and in the other she gets mugged and doesn’t find out about the boyfriend.
It makes me wonder about the “what ifs” of my life. The what cold have been and what could be now.
Yesterday I turned 24 and for the last week I’ve been severely depressed thinking about a lot of things. Christy, Candi, AndI, the failure that is my life…and finally Derek & Charlie come to pick me up for a surprise birthday party. The party went well, I wasn’t thinking about anything until my mom called… I was drunk and my mom drops the bomb that Christy called…so now I wonder if Christy is still in love or if she was just calling to tell me Happy Birthday.
Apparently I’m a hit among some girls my sister & cousin known. To be honest I really don’t know what to do because I’m pulled in so many directions & I don’t know if I’m truly over everything…Some days I just cry and cry and cry for no reason other than I’ve lost so much and have been flung headlong into a world that I feel like I don’t belong.
Bloody Hell, sometimes I just wish I could sleep away my life, or the gods would touch me with love that I want and need so bad…hmmm, if Gwenyth Paltrow was single! Fuck it.
And Christy, if you’re reading this Happy Birthday.
10.05.05
Tunes: Seether
Mood: Estranged.
“I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh, I wanna hold you high & steal your pain away. I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well, I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. Because I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like I’m strong enough. Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. The worst is over now and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high - you steal my pain away. There’s so much left to learn and no one left to fight. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. Because I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like I’m strong enough. Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. You’ve gone away…You don’t feel me anymore.” - Seether & Amy Lee Broken
Well, as I said earlier I had an epiphany. I sat down at the library today and looked over my last journal entry and the comments left there…Thank you guys. I know it doesn’t even begin to tell hope grateful I am. It shows me people care. Friday night I was surprised by Derek and Charlie (two of my friends in Winston-Salem). Derek called and told me I was coming over because Charlie and I were getting a birthday party. Charlie’s birthday is the 6th, mine happens to be the 7th. So we partied from Friday until Saturday night…and I explained the course of matters earlier.
I’ve been thinking a lot more the last two days. I spent yesterday with my dad fishing on the boat and ended up sun burnt like a motherfucker! Today I did some running for Broken Studios Inc and got some business things sorted out.
I realized today how much I am loved by my friends and how much they worry about me, this was my epiphany. It shocks me quite a bit. Candi, AndI, Maria, Derek, Liz, Charlie, and everyone else, thanks…No one could ever compare with the friends I have that see me through the night.
Christy, I love you but I think everything’s worked out for the best for both of us. I hope we can remain friends and traverse our lives as friends who had some rather bad decisions.
I don’t know where my life will lead but with my friends I think the long hard road out of hell will be much easier. I still may get depressed and bitch and moan about love and such but you guys stick around and support me, each in their own way, and I guess this is to say thank you, even though it’s not nearly enough. I love you guys and I don’t know what I’d do without you. Hopefully I’ll have new pictures of myself soon so that you guys can see what I look like now…(Hopefully AFTER the sun burn goes away! -Laughs-)
Eventually everything will be fine again…even with all of our changes.
-=^.^=-
Mood:Crazed!!!!
Music:Seether - Disclaimer II
Well as time progressed last week I became an uncle and got a year older! It seems I was quite mistaken I do have people that care about me namely, Andi, Maria, and Candi...and I want to say thanks to you all....I'm soory I've been so depressed lately but I've had alot on my mind as well as been under a fuck ton of stress. I will post alot more later but my time at the Library is nearly up!
Love you guys....
† TG Kat †
"Risikia wrote on April 27, 2005, 05:14pm Just to let you all know at this very minute~~ someone is thinking of you someone cares about you. someone misses you someone wants to hold your hand. someone wants you to be happy. someone wants to hug you. someone will do anything for you. someone needs to know your love is unconditional. someone wants to tell you how much they care. someone wants to stay up watching movies w/ you. someone wants to hold you in their arms. someone wants to see you. someone wants to be your lover. someone loves you for who you are. someone loves the way you make them feel. someone wants to be with you. someone wants you to know they are there for you. someone is glad that you're their friend. someone is wishing you would notice them. someone wants to get to know you better. someone loves you. p.s I in no way, shape or form made this up...I stole it from someone's blog *smiles*"
That's complete & utter bullshit..
Mood:-SHIT-
Music:-N.U.M.B.-
-This is a combination of my entry from last friday night and last night....-=^.^=-
4.22.05
"Have We Become Romance-Intorlerant?" - Carrie Bradshaw
"I write a column based on the idea that romance is either dead or phony." - Carrie Bradshaw
I sit here tonight watching reruns of Sex in the City on TBS. I began to wonder what gives 30 something women a monopoly on sexual & relationship frustration? I'm 23 years old and I'll be damned if I've not been in alot of "Sex In The City" situations. Relationships seem to be my forte & fucking them up is also one of my fortes. I think way too much like Carrie and my Mr. Big is my ex-girlfriend, I love her but I don't see it going anywhere. And yet I still cling to hope.
Also I admire other women and am torn between two people whom I think have given up...Shit, Why can't the fates and Pantheon just give me love? A love like I've only known once in my entire life....3 great ones...just like the Bronx Tale.
I hate myself for doing these fucked up things to people. I hate the fact that I destroy everything I hold dear. I long for the light but I keep myself in the dark...Is it always going to be this cold?
-=^.^=-
4.25.05
Hello my kitties. I sit here tonight thinking about what my therapist told me friday morning and how it pertains to my life. Well I guess I should begin with what Janet told me...She agreed with my bipolar 1 diagnosis and also said she is positive that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which scared the living fuck out of me....considering all I know about personality disorders I assumed along the lines of Antisocial personality Disorder, which isn't just not liking society but hating it with a passion to do things along the lines of the killer in the movie Seven w/ Brad Pitt. (Just a side note, Mutiple Personality Syndrome no longer exsists medically speaking it's known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Think Tyler Durdan from Fight Club.) So you could imagine what I thought when I was told this. So I did some research in the DSM TR IV. (For those who don't know the DSM TR IV is the Diagnostical & Staticial Manual - Text Revision 4, which clinicians use to diagnosis disorders based on certian criterion.) So I found out I was in essence being told that I was an Axis 1- Bipolar 1 Recent Episode Mixed, Axis 2 - Borderline Personality Disorder.....
I found BPD in the DSM and the criterion was:
-Unstable Affect (Moods)
-Impulsive Behavior (Spending, Binge Eating, etc.
-Brief and Unstable interpersonal relationships (Girlfriend/Boyfriend aspect)
-Low Self Image
-Struggling With the ID (Frued's idea of the Identity)
-Self Harm Behaviors (Cutting, Branding, Purging, etc.)
-Fear of Abandonment.
To be considered BPD you have to have 5 of the 7 criterion, well I have 6 of the 7....So what does this mean in my life? That I'll always be on meds and trying to control this disorder by recovering....
-=^.^=-
Mood:Various
Music:Various
Angel Come To Me
To Me Come To Me
Angel Belong To Me
To Me Belong To Me
Angel You Have Wings
To Fly Fly To Me
Angel Do You Doubt
No Need To Have Doubt
Angel Feel My Love
My Love For You
Feel My Love For You
Angel Carry Me
To You To Your Home To Paradise
Angel I Would Lie For You
For You Just For You With My Yearning Heart
And Angel I Would Die For You
For You Just For You With My Burning Heart
Angel Don't Feel Liable
For Me And My Pain Don't Feel Liable
Cause Angels Must Be Free
High Up From This World In Eternity
Angel I Could Clip Your Wings
To Catch All Your Love To Calm Your Pain
But Angel This Would Be So Wrong
You Would Bleed To Death Immediately
So Angel Come To Me
Heal My Glaring Pain Voluntarily
I Love You
-=Angel - :Wumpscut:
Well you know how the gov't claims that they don't discriminate? And how corperations are not supposed to either? Well that's a fucking lie. I was turned down today for two jobs due to the fact I have a criminal record...It's bullshit that we must be persecuted for our past mistakes especially when they were so long ago. I hate this country and everything it stands for and yet I live here because i don't have a choice...Goddess damned bullshit. I hate the fact someone can say Well you have mistakes in your past so fuck you. And where would everyone be if we'd kill all the children for making a mistake? Non exsistant, that's where. Fuck it, with that shit and everything else in my life I'm to the point I really could give a rat's ass if the world exploded into a billion bits of glitter....But I couldn't be so lucky now could I? I don't have love, I don't have a supportive family, I have few friends and really to be honest, love the impossible to attain, so what is the point? Life is measured by how much pain a person can endure before giving up, well goddamn it I've had enough and caused way more than my fair share, and for those victims I am sorry. You know it seems all this shit is pointless.......
-=^.^=-
Mood:Downright Pissed Off & Depressed
Music:Tears For Fears
"I thought the future held a perfect place for us that together we would learn to be the best that we could be In my naivety I ran, I fell and lost my way somehow I always end up falling over me and one day I woke to find the future had no place for me I was unwanted in a world that with my hands I'd helped build where once was honesty and pride I now stand broken and alone just a shadow of what I was meant to be Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anybody out there? Are you hearing me? If I believe in you, will you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams? I'll believe in you if you believe in me but I have no trust in anything somehow I'm always, always falling over me they say that time will heal, the truth shall set us free well that depends on what it is that you choose to believe In this prison made of lies We see what it is we want to see And find comfort in this broken hall of dreams Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anybody out there? Are you hearing me? If I believe in you, will you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams? I'll believe in you if you believe in me but I have no trust in anything somehow I'm always, always falling over me somehow I'm always, I am always falling over me" -VNV Nation -Holding On
I woke up today and looked about my room after talking nearly all night with Andi on the phone about a plethora of things ranging from sex to my relationship with my ex and yet I felt no better about alot of the things I spoke of...For some reason I haven't felt right the last few days and my mind has been in overdrive while critizing me about everything. I went into therapy yesterday and my therapist happened to see the ungodly ammount of scars and fresh blade traceries upon my arms. I was quite surprised she even noticed at all and yet she didn't say anything other than ask me if I'd been thinking about suicide...and I told her the truth, no I hadn't been but I do feel like the world would be a better place had I not effected everyone around me like some parasitic virus. I think it shocked her and she just nodded abit. Today has been pretty hectic for me trying to get everything sorted to go back to school for Psych & get my web front up and running. I don't really know what to do at this point, physically I'm going through the rotations of normalacy but my head is stretched in so many directions that I can't keep a thought pattern for more than a few minutes. I wonder many times what would have happened had I not gone through the last 8 months of my life like I did and where I'd be at this moment...would I still be greiving a relationship that all though violatile was the best thing I've had in a while or would I have ended up in the arms of my long time friend Candi, or perhaps even alone living not far from my friends all over the midwest? I can't seem to heal though I can say that I want to either, my pain from Christy and the regret and guilt will not subside nor will it scream through my mind. It's colouring every part of my life in some way but it's also a whisper that brings me to tears or leaves me running from myself and even sometimes the screams I hear inside are telling me, even with the changes that have become a huge part of my life, that I love more that one person at various points, yet the strongest is for those I'll never have...(Christy, Candi, etc.) I can't say I don't love Christy as much as sometimes I want to and she knows it as well as I do I'd wait for the rest of this life for her if she'd only ask, and yet something in me screams are you sure she'd ever want a fuck up like you? And with Candi, I really don't know how she feels at this point or if what happened all those months ago was just a passing thing for her, yet I love her as well, perhaps more than that I consider her one of my companions who has some understanding of me. I truly don't know and yet both of these people seem so far from me ever obtaining as me drooling over Angelina Jolie or Gwenyth Paltrow.....
But such is life....So what do I expect? Nothing...nothing is all that makes me be able to substain this facade of happiness....Farewell, my kitties.
Mood:Hell if I know.
Music:Blank & Jones Feat. Robert Smith - A Forest
"I'm broken when I'm lonesome, I don't feel right when you're gone away." -Seether
I heard from my ex the last few days and she talked about getting back together etc etc etc. And Yes contrary to what I thought I still care a great deal for her...then out of the blue she says she can't do it anymore, that I'm like a drug a very powerful drug that's leading to her eventual self destruction...and of all the days to get that email, it's the same fucking day that my mom reamed me a new one because she seen all the cutting I did a few weeks back. I've lost myself again and it's fine I'm withdrawing into the shell. I'm dying again and I don't care...I feels so helpless and worthless I can't fucking take it. I hate who I was who I am and who I'll one day become. It's funny, I was once tole something from my ex about her and one of her patients who they talked about suicide and Christy asked her "Is that how you want to be remembered? You could have been a great artist or musician but what people are going to remember is that you took your life." And you know what's fucked up about it? I could careless how people remember me I'm a worthless fuck up and Hey at least I can admit it for a change. I don't know where to go from here or where not to go from here. Right now I just want to go home and vanish...to sleep until the world has ended or to just die finally, this world my world has fell apart and I've been the catalyst for it all. Fuck it I can't do this right now.........Good bye Kitties.
-=-=Broken=-=-
I gave myself up to you,
Bowed before all the twisted things you liked to do,
And now I'm left broken and battered.
I gave up when I fell and you weren't there,
You gave up when you got bored.
Now you've a new plaything,
I scream and no longer sing.
Old eyeliner and tears mingled,
I'm back and I want my life and heart,
It's my turn to break and bloody,
but for some reason I can't.
Some feelings that I just can't part,
So instead I sit watching from outside,
then I run away.....
I gave myself up to you,
bowed before everyone's twisted thing they liked to do.
I watch as others find what they desire,
Outside I've lost my fire.
It's lost among the ruins of what I found...
Cold and alone I find my life dead,
All these things I've never said.
Whispers call to me from the grave,
Falling down, No one to save.
I just watched myself fall away,
No more words left to say,
In a life I don't wish to stay.
Let me fall into myself,
Decayed breath and darkened health.
-TG Kat of Loathed Soulz? (Myself)
-=†Hollow Engel†=-
Mood:Fucking down and out.
Music:Type O Negative
"Catch me as I fall, Say you're here and it's all over now, Speaking to the atmosphere, No one's here and I fall into myself. This truth drives me into madness. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away...I'm frightened by what I see, but somehow I know there's much more to come, Immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears, I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away....Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear, Death before my eyes, Lying next to me I fear, She beckons me shall I give in, Upon my end shall I begin? Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end." -=Evanescence - Whisper=-
Well my dear kitties I'm back again and this time there's been a change of heart. But before I get too far into that I'd like to say thanks to those who stuck by me and didn't ditch me when I was at my worst, these are the people that were with me in spirit, and Thanks alot! Candi, Andi, My Family, and that about rounds up the list. As for the rest of the people who turned their backs on me whilest I was down and out....Fuck you...and YES Jess you are part of that...you royally fucked me and I'm not at all happy about it. Here's the begining.
Date: 27-01-05
Mood: Bitchy & Reminiscing
Tunes: Radio
Well if you’re reading this you are obviously interested in me as a person…yay! I started this while I was incarcerated in NC. So wonderful the mistakes we make, non? Slipknot just came on give me a sec. *Bounces* I’ve been locked up since October 2nd after trying to go pick up a friend of mine whom I may have had a relationship with had this not happened. I was traveling to Canada after a horrid break up with a beautiful if somewhat “off” woman, Christy, though I still love her there’s something deep within that tells me that she’ll never forgive my dishonesty about my past with her. (Note: And now I really can’t say I care…14-03-05) Anyhow, how I got myself into this predicament in the first place. I had a few friend that I loaned my car to, sometime ago, and they decided to break into the US Flea Market, Several cars, as well as hit a child during the acts of theft. I was arrested as an accessory to the crimes and after 6 months of awaiting court in jail I received probation, in which I was married & I believe my ex-wife to have been cheating on me during this period. I paid the probation off, save $137 USD, and by he year after the crimes I had a Mistress, and my marriage had fallen into oblivion. My life was shit. I divorced my wife after she had left for MN several months before, leaving me alone. Not long after everything fell apart I met Christy and moved to MD, A place where I knew no one and yet I loved her enough to leave everything behind after the finish of her semester and graduation from Wake Forest University with a BA in Psychology. I thought everything was done with my probation here and BOY was I wrong. After a year & 4 months I told Christy I couldn’t handle her head games, & being worried if I had to always be afraid of her hitting on other women as well as my best friend, Derek, who was NC. Not long afterwards I got shit faced on Bacardi 151, Jägermister, and Tuwaka butter shots I called Candi, a beautiful, intelligent, and good friend in Canada, telling her I loved her & if her current boyfriend ever hurt her I’d cut his head off with a huge pocket knife I had in my hand, though to this day I don’t remember where I got it, or something nearly close in much more colorful language. I was pretty wasted and went home with my roommates. I typed about three letters before my head bounced off the computer desk and Jesse (My former friend. -14-03-05) helped me to the couch and put me on web cam to Candi. A few days later I got a call from Candi telling me she had made a decision…at the time I had no idea what it was about, now I do…she wanted to be with me and move to Baltimore MD with me. So the next day Jesse, Jackie, & Myself set out for Canada. 10 hours later I was arrested in Detroit for Felony Warrants from NC. I was taken back to NC and sat in jail for 4 months before ever seeing the court room just to activate my time so I could be done with it and move on. I lost everything in the process to Christy, I tried to contact her in order to have my sister collect my things…Needless to say I haven’t heard from her. (And I found out she had my cats put to sleep…14-03-05)
I have no idea how to contact Candi…one woman I have loved for a long time and believe perhaps to be my soul’s other half. Candi, if you’re out there and have a chance please contact me through a comment on my profile.
The past 5 months have been hell on me and I’ve been so lonely and utterly depressed…I went even as far to try to commit suicide by hanging myself and writing a 2 page suicide note…as you can tell I suck at that as well…not once but 9 times I broke the homemade rope. While I was in jail I was beaten unconscious and raped in the six man shower so after the 5 months there being moved to a cell on my own was a godsend. Now I’m in Piedmont Correctional Institute in Salisbury NC…I’m much more comfortable and not scared here. I’ll be out of here soon going to another prison and then on to my mom’s house until I get my life sorted out again. I’ll have been at home nearly a week before you’ll ever read this. I kind of feel like Beck’s lyrics, “I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me?” I’ve been more depressed in recent cycles that manic which is reversed on the streets (which isn’t true since my release -14-03-05)
Constant noise & people invade my little world, never being alone or having a private moment for myself, hell I even have to use the bathroom in the open! This experience has amplified my cat-like personality and habits-which is why I’ve reverted to my old nickname “The Great Kat”, “TG Kat” or just Kat. The Great Kat was the nickname that was given to me the last visit to New Orleans, LA a city that has haunted me and fascinated me to my very core…some day I’ll return.
Christy & Candi, to you both I’m sorry from the depths of my soul, Christy you may never realize how malleable I had become for you, Candi, despite my short comings I still love you and still consider you my best friend and perhaps only friend-and at this point I pray that is still true because I don’t know what has happened with you since my incarceration, knowing my luck everything I’ve know is completely and utterly gone.
(More to be added Later)
Mood:Shitty and Just depressed.
Music:Evanescence
10.05.2005 Tuesday 7:15 pm
Tunes: Seether - Disclaimer II
Mood: Estranged
Let me begin by saying this is entries I’ve written over the past 2 weeks and since then I’ve reached an epiphany of sorts which I will discuss in the last part of this entry post…. -=^.^=-
28.04.2005 - 01.05.2005
Tossed a coin into the wishing well at the hospital for happiness, and I became an uncle today…Shouldn’t I be happy? Birth is something that is supposed to bring joy into the world and yet I feel so empty, so apathetic, so depressed. I’ve spent the last couple of days fighting the urge to cut from the depths of my soul and heart. It’s my drug now more than ever. After losing Christy (Which will be discussed in today’s entry….) and potentially losing Candi I don’t know anymore. It’ much more affecting that I ever thought.
Candi seemed so distanced when last I spoke with her the weekend before last…so what does it mean? Does it really matter? I don’t f*cking know, I get the feeling a lot has changed with everyone who’s known me, and yet in so many ways I’ve changed as well.
I want the taste of blood, the ultimate intimacy of a bloodied lover’s embrace, to taste, to feel, to know I can feel and I’m loved in that way I so desire. Beneath it all my fear has dissolved into nothing, but I wonder if I should have cried or if I should have died.
Another thing that’s been on my mind quite a bit is the fact my birthday is rapidly approaching and all my friends seem to have made other plans, and my family just doesn’t seem to care that it’s only a week away. I don’t want anything other than to hang out with the few people I call friends and for them to wish me happy birthday on a day that otherwise it appears I’m going to spend alone and severely depressed.
“I lay dying & I’m pouring crimson regrets and betrayal.“ Och mein. Das blüzeh, Jayson!
Clinched fists, watering eyes, iron bands closing around my lungs, pins and needles driven deep into my flesh, I don’t know how much more I can take.
I need not to feel so worthless & empty & I need to get out of here while I still can before I freak the fuck out. I’ve never dealt well with being alone and in one place…I guess it’s the Rroma in me.
I’ve been dreaming of New Orleans more and more recently…To get away from everything and to get away from myself if only temporarily.
-=^.^=-
02.05.05
Tunes: Nine Inch Nails
Mood: Manic
What I want and what I need…the thoughts that probably cross those people who read this memoir of the Great Kat. Well I guess that’s what this entry is for! -Grins- So here’s what I desire in a woman…
1. Dark hair and light colored eyes (blue, green, gold) occasionally brown, or blonde hair and light colored eyes. (Think Gwenyth Paltrow)
2. What I find to be a beautiful body such as 34 A - C cup, size 6 - 9, and an arse! That is a must, an ass that is! And ranging in height from 5’5” to 5’11”
3. Intelligence & Open Mindedness
4. Mutual Interests
5. Willing to try different things
6. Great personality
7. Non-judgmental
What I need…
1. People to support my choices
2. Someone to accept me for who I am and my mistakes
3. Someone who loves me for my “quirks” not in spite of them
4. People who can deal with my hypersensitivity
What I have to offer:
1. A truly romantic soul
2. “Immortalization” in my art ( Which is something I’m quite fond of.)
3. Great Sex from what I understand (Though I could be mistaken about that, basing it on what I’ve been told)
4. Supportive and “there” when it’s needed
Okay I’m really starting to feel like I’m posting a singles advertisement and that makes me feel a bit like an idiot….So I’m signing off for now. Good night, my kitties.
-=^.^=-
03.05.05
Tunes: Audioslave
Mood: Shitty…
Sounds of Audioslave , a baby, my sister & her husband, as well as cars passing on the highway…my mind screams all these little things about love, loss, friendship and yet I’m numb inside. It seems like something is wrong with me and it’s starting to show through like a star in the pitch black cloak of night, through the mask of happiness I keep in place.
Everyone seems to think I’m happy most of the time and they’re deadly wrong. I’m not happy…sometimes hyper & euphoric but not happy. I don’t write these entries for pity, pride or any other reason that it helps me stabilize my mind. A way to vent. Don’t get me wrong, I like for my friends to know what’s going on in my life and my fucked up head so that they don’t get the wrong impression if I snap or if I’m too quiet and reserved.
I close my eyes and my mind goes into overdrive…I’m crazy, as hard as that is for me to accept, and I don’t mean mildly crazy, I mean totally certifiable. *Sigh* Why do I feel so alone and completely empty? Must my life always be so chaotic? Am I destined to always be this fucked up chaos child? Even with weekly therapy, I question everything constantly about my life. Does bleeding help? Damn right it does…watching something so completely pure and almost holy come from someone who embodies imperfection, profanity, and utter chaos.
What if things were different? Even if they were I’d still never have what it takes to make another happy or make myself happy for that matter. I just want to take it away…Take it away completely. I’ve said goodbye to many woman on which my life depended, and could it be because I don’t want to hurt them anymore, and perhaps because I don’t want to hurt anymore. GET IT THE FUCK AWAY! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I can’t even look at myself in the mirror because I hate what I see there almost all the time…I can’t seem to hold on to anything that helps anymore…The pain and self loathing get to me more and more and more….Why do I always fuck up? Damn it. EMPTY.
08.05.05
Tunes: None
Mood: Eh, I dunno
“Just remember what the Monty Python boys said”
“Always look on the bright side of life?”
“No, Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.”
-James & Helen, Sliding Doors
I sit here today/tonight watching Sliding Doors with Gwenyth Paltrow…(One of my top 10 dream women).
It’s about a woman who gets fired from her PR job and then the film splits into what could have happened in 2 separate stories. In one part she comes home finding her boyfriend sleeping with his ex and in the other she gets mugged and doesn’t find out about the boyfriend.
It makes me wonder about the “what ifs” of my life. The what cold have been and what could be now.
Yesterday I turned 24 and for the last week I’ve been severely depressed thinking about a lot of things. Christy, Candi, AndI, the failure that is my life…and finally Derek & Charlie come to pick me up for a surprise birthday party. The party went well, I wasn’t thinking about anything until my mom called… I was drunk and my mom drops the bomb that Christy called…so now I wonder if Christy is still in love or if she was just calling to tell me Happy Birthday.
Apparently I’m a hit among some girls my sister & cousin known. To be honest I really don’t know what to do because I’m pulled in so many directions & I don’t know if I’m truly over everything…Some days I just cry and cry and cry for no reason other than I’ve lost so much and have been flung headlong into a world that I feel like I don’t belong.
Bloody Hell, sometimes I just wish I could sleep away my life, or the gods would touch me with love that I want and need so bad…hmmm, if Gwenyth Paltrow was single! Fuck it.
And Christy, if you’re reading this Happy Birthday.
10.05.05
Tunes: Seether
Mood: Estranged.
“I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh, I wanna hold you high & steal your pain away. I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well, I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. Because I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like I’m strong enough. Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. The worst is over now and we can breathe again. I wanna hold you high - you steal my pain away. There’s so much left to learn and no one left to fight. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. Because I’m broken when I’m open and I don’t feel like I’m strong enough. Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome and I don’t feel right when you’re gone away. You’ve gone away…You don’t feel me anymore.” - Seether & Amy Lee Broken
Well, as I said earlier I had an epiphany. I sat down at the library today and looked over my last journal entry and the comments left there…Thank you guys. I know it doesn’t even begin to tell hope grateful I am. It shows me people care. Friday night I was surprised by Derek and Charlie (two of my friends in Winston-Salem). Derek called and told me I was coming over because Charlie and I were getting a birthday party. Charlie’s birthday is the 6th, mine happens to be the 7th. So we partied from Friday until Saturday night…and I explained the course of matters earlier.
I’ve been thinking a lot more the last two days. I spent yesterday with my dad fishing on the boat and ended up sun burnt like a motherfucker! Today I did some running for Broken Studios Inc and got some business things sorted out.
I realized today how much I am loved by my friends and how much they worry about me, this was my epiphany. It shocks me quite a bit. Candi, AndI, Maria, Derek, Liz, Charlie, and everyone else, thanks…No one could ever compare with the friends I have that see me through the night.
Christy, I love you but I think everything’s worked out for the best for both of us. I hope we can remain friends and traverse our lives as friends who had some rather bad decisions.
I don’t know where my life will lead but with my friends I think the long hard road out of hell will be much easier. I still may get depressed and bitch and moan about love and such but you guys stick around and support me, each in their own way, and I guess this is to say thank you, even though it’s not nearly enough. I love you guys and I don’t know what I’d do without you. Hopefully I’ll have new pictures of myself soon so that you guys can see what I look like now…(Hopefully AFTER the sun burn goes away! -Laughs-)
Eventually everything will be fine again…even with all of our changes.
-=^.^=-
Mood:Crazed!!!!
Music:Seether - Disclaimer II
Well as time progressed last week I became an uncle and got a year older! It seems I was quite mistaken I do have people that care about me namely, Andi, Maria, and Candi...and I want to say thanks to you all....I'm soory I've been so depressed lately but I've had alot on my mind as well as been under a fuck ton of stress. I will post alot more later but my time at the Library is nearly up!
Love you guys....
† TG Kat †
"Risikia wrote on April 27, 2005, 05:14pm Just to let you all know at this very minute~~ someone is thinking of you someone cares about you. someone misses you someone wants to hold your hand. someone wants you to be happy. someone wants to hug you. someone will do anything for you. someone needs to know your love is unconditional. someone wants to tell you how much they care. someone wants to stay up watching movies w/ you. someone wants to hold you in their arms. someone wants to see you. someone wants to be your lover. someone loves you for who you are. someone loves the way you make them feel. someone wants to be with you. someone wants you to know they are there for you. someone is glad that you're their friend. someone is wishing you would notice them. someone wants to get to know you better. someone loves you. p.s I in no way, shape or form made this up...I stole it from someone's blog *smiles*"
That's complete & utter bullshit..
Mood:-SHIT-
Music:-N.U.M.B.-
-This is a combination of my entry from last friday night and last night....-=^.^=-
4.22.05
"Have We Become Romance-Intorlerant?" - Carrie Bradshaw
"I write a column based on the idea that romance is either dead or phony." - Carrie Bradshaw
I sit here tonight watching reruns of Sex in the City on TBS. I began to wonder what gives 30 something women a monopoly on sexual & relationship frustration? I'm 23 years old and I'll be damned if I've not been in alot of "Sex In The City" situations. Relationships seem to be my forte & fucking them up is also one of my fortes. I think way too much like Carrie and my Mr. Big is my ex-girlfriend, I love her but I don't see it going anywhere. And yet I still cling to hope.
Also I admire other women and am torn between two people whom I think have given up...Shit, Why can't the fates and Pantheon just give me love? A love like I've only known once in my entire life....3 great ones...just like the Bronx Tale.
I hate myself for doing these fucked up things to people. I hate the fact that I destroy everything I hold dear. I long for the light but I keep myself in the dark...Is it always going to be this cold?
-=^.^=-
4.25.05
Hello my kitties. I sit here tonight thinking about what my therapist told me friday morning and how it pertains to my life. Well I guess I should begin with what Janet told me...She agreed with my bipolar 1 diagnosis and also said she is positive that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which scared the living fuck out of me....considering all I know about personality disorders I assumed along the lines of Antisocial personality Disorder, which isn't just not liking society but hating it with a passion to do things along the lines of the killer in the movie Seven w/ Brad Pitt. (Just a side note, Mutiple Personality Syndrome no longer exsists medically speaking it's known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. Think Tyler Durdan from Fight Club.) So you could imagine what I thought when I was told this. So I did some research in the DSM TR IV. (For those who don't know the DSM TR IV is the Diagnostical & Staticial Manual - Text Revision 4, which clinicians use to diagnosis disorders based on certian criterion.) So I found out I was in essence being told that I was an Axis 1- Bipolar 1 Recent Episode Mixed, Axis 2 - Borderline Personality Disorder.....
I found BPD in the DSM and the criterion was:
-Unstable Affect (Moods)
-Impulsive Behavior (Spending, Binge Eating, etc.
-Brief and Unstable interpersonal relationships (Girlfriend/Boyfriend aspect)
-Low Self Image
-Struggling With the ID (Frued's idea of the Identity)
-Self Harm Behaviors (Cutting, Branding, Purging, etc.)
-Fear of Abandonment.
To be considered BPD you have to have 5 of the 7 criterion, well I have 6 of the 7....So what does this mean in my life? That I'll always be on meds and trying to control this disorder by recovering....
-=^.^=-
Mood:Various
Music:Various
Angel Come To Me
To Me Come To Me
Angel Belong To Me
To Me Belong To Me
Angel You Have Wings
To Fly Fly To Me
Angel Do You Doubt
No Need To Have Doubt
Angel Feel My Love
My Love For You
Feel My Love For You
Angel Carry Me
To You To Your Home To Paradise
Angel I Would Lie For You
For You Just For You With My Yearning Heart
And Angel I Would Die For You
For You Just For You With My Burning Heart
Angel Don't Feel Liable
For Me And My Pain Don't Feel Liable
Cause Angels Must Be Free
High Up From This World In Eternity
Angel I Could Clip Your Wings
To Catch All Your Love To Calm Your Pain
But Angel This Would Be So Wrong
You Would Bleed To Death Immediately
So Angel Come To Me
Heal My Glaring Pain Voluntarily
I Love You
-=Angel - :Wumpscut:
Well you know how the gov't claims that they don't discriminate? And how corperations are not supposed to either? Well that's a fucking lie. I was turned down today for two jobs due to the fact I have a criminal record...It's bullshit that we must be persecuted for our past mistakes especially when they were so long ago. I hate this country and everything it stands for and yet I live here because i don't have a choice...Goddess damned bullshit. I hate the fact someone can say Well you have mistakes in your past so fuck you. And where would everyone be if we'd kill all the children for making a mistake? Non exsistant, that's where. Fuck it, with that shit and everything else in my life I'm to the point I really could give a rat's ass if the world exploded into a billion bits of glitter....But I couldn't be so lucky now could I? I don't have love, I don't have a supportive family, I have few friends and really to be honest, love the impossible to attain, so what is the point? Life is measured by how much pain a person can endure before giving up, well goddamn it I've had enough and caused way more than my fair share, and for those victims I am sorry. You know it seems all this shit is pointless.......
-=^.^=-
Mood:Downright Pissed Off & Depressed
Music:Tears For Fears
"I thought the future held a perfect place for us that together we would learn to be the best that we could be In my naivety I ran, I fell and lost my way somehow I always end up falling over me and one day I woke to find the future had no place for me I was unwanted in a world that with my hands I'd helped build where once was honesty and pride I now stand broken and alone just a shadow of what I was meant to be Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anybody out there? Are you hearing me? If I believe in you, will you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams? I'll believe in you if you believe in me but I have no trust in anything somehow I'm always, always falling over me they say that time will heal, the truth shall set us free well that depends on what it is that you choose to believe In this prison made of lies We see what it is we want to see And find comfort in this broken hall of dreams Does anybody feel the way I do? Is there anybody out there? Are you hearing me? If I believe in you, will you believe in me? Or am I alone in this hall of dreams? I'll believe in you if you believe in me but I have no trust in anything somehow I'm always, always falling over me somehow I'm always, I am always falling over me" -VNV Nation -Holding On
I woke up today and looked about my room after talking nearly all night with Andi on the phone about a plethora of things ranging from sex to my relationship with my ex and yet I felt no better about alot of the things I spoke of...For some reason I haven't felt right the last few days and my mind has been in overdrive while critizing me about everything. I went into therapy yesterday and my therapist happened to see the ungodly ammount of scars and fresh blade traceries upon my arms. I was quite surprised she even noticed at all and yet she didn't say anything other than ask me if I'd been thinking about suicide...and I told her the truth, no I hadn't been but I do feel like the world would be a better place had I not effected everyone around me like some parasitic virus. I think it shocked her and she just nodded abit. Today has been pretty hectic for me trying to get everything sorted to go back to school for Psych & get my web front up and running. I don't really know what to do at this point, physically I'm going through the rotations of normalacy but my head is stretched in so many directions that I can't keep a thought pattern for more than a few minutes. I wonder many times what would have happened had I not gone through the last 8 months of my life like I did and where I'd be at this moment...would I still be greiving a relationship that all though violatile was the best thing I've had in a while or would I have ended up in the arms of my long time friend Candi, or perhaps even alone living not far from my friends all over the midwest? I can't seem to heal though I can say that I want to either, my pain from Christy and the regret and guilt will not subside nor will it scream through my mind. It's colouring every part of my life in some way but it's also a whisper that brings me to tears or leaves me running from myself and even sometimes the screams I hear inside are telling me, even with the changes that have become a huge part of my life, that I love more that one person at various points, yet the strongest is for those I'll never have...(Christy, Candi, etc.) I can't say I don't love Christy as much as sometimes I want to and she knows it as well as I do I'd wait for the rest of this life for her if she'd only ask, and yet something in me screams are you sure she'd ever want a fuck up like you? And with Candi, I really don't know how she feels at this point or if what happened all those months ago was just a passing thing for her, yet I love her as well, perhaps more than that I consider her one of my companions who has some understanding of me. I truly don't know and yet both of these people seem so far from me ever obtaining as me drooling over Angelina Jolie or Gwenyth Paltrow.....
But such is life....So what do I expect? Nothing...nothing is all that makes me be able to substain this facade of happiness....Farewell, my kitties.
Mood:Hell if I know.
Music:Blank & Jones Feat. Robert Smith - A Forest
"I'm broken when I'm lonesome, I don't feel right when you're gone away." -Seether
I heard from my ex the last few days and she talked about getting back together etc etc etc. And Yes contrary to what I thought I still care a great deal for her...then out of the blue she says she can't do it anymore, that I'm like a drug a very powerful drug that's leading to her eventual self destruction...and of all the days to get that email, it's the same fucking day that my mom reamed me a new one because she seen all the cutting I did a few weeks back. I've lost myself again and it's fine I'm withdrawing into the shell. I'm dying again and I don't care...I feels so helpless and worthless I can't fucking take it. I hate who I was who I am and who I'll one day become. It's funny, I was once tole something from my ex about her and one of her patients who they talked about suicide and Christy asked her "Is that how you want to be remembered? You could have been a great artist or musician but what people are going to remember is that you took your life." And you know what's fucked up about it? I could careless how people remember me I'm a worthless fuck up and Hey at least I can admit it for a change. I don't know where to go from here or where not to go from here. Right now I just want to go home and vanish...to sleep until the world has ended or to just die finally, this world my world has fell apart and I've been the catalyst for it all. Fuck it I can't do this right now.........Good bye Kitties.
-=-=Broken=-=-
I gave myself up to you,
Bowed before all the twisted things you liked to do,
And now I'm left broken and battered.
I gave up when I fell and you weren't there,
You gave up when you got bored.
Now you've a new plaything,
I scream and no longer sing.
Old eyeliner and tears mingled,
I'm back and I want my life and heart,
It's my turn to break and bloody,
but for some reason I can't.
Some feelings that I just can't part,
So instead I sit watching from outside,
then I run away.....
I gave myself up to you,
bowed before everyone's twisted thing they liked to do.
I watch as others find what they desire,
Outside I've lost my fire.
It's lost among the ruins of what I found...
Cold and alone I find my life dead,
All these things I've never said.
Whispers call to me from the grave,
Falling down, No one to save.
I just watched myself fall away,
No more words left to say,
In a life I don't wish to stay.
Let me fall into myself,
Decayed breath and darkened health.
-TG Kat of Loathed Soulz? (Myself)
-=†Hollow Engel†=-
Mood:Fucking down and out.
Music:Type O Negative
"Catch me as I fall, Say you're here and it's all over now, Speaking to the atmosphere, No one's here and I fall into myself. This truth drives me into madness. I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away...I'm frightened by what I see, but somehow I know there's much more to come, Immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears, I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away....Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear, Death before my eyes, Lying next to me I fear, She beckons me shall I give in, Upon my end shall I begin? Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end." -=Evanescence - Whisper=-
Well my dear kitties I'm back again and this time there's been a change of heart. But before I get too far into that I'd like to say thanks to those who stuck by me and didn't ditch me when I was at my worst, these are the people that were with me in spirit, and Thanks alot! Candi, Andi, My Family, and that about rounds up the list. As for the rest of the people who turned their backs on me whilest I was down and out....Fuck you...and YES Jess you are part of that...you royally fucked me and I'm not at all happy about it. Here's the begining.
Date: 27-01-05
Mood: Bitchy & Reminiscing
Tunes: Radio
Well if you’re reading this you are obviously interested in me as a person…yay! I started this while I was incarcerated in NC. So wonderful the mistakes we make, non? Slipknot just came on give me a sec. *Bounces* I’ve been locked up since October 2nd after trying to go pick up a friend of mine whom I may have had a relationship with had this not happened. I was traveling to Canada after a horrid break up with a beautiful if somewhat “off” woman, Christy, though I still love her there’s something deep within that tells me that she’ll never forgive my dishonesty about my past with her. (Note: And now I really can’t say I care…14-03-05) Anyhow, how I got myself into this predicament in the first place. I had a few friend that I loaned my car to, sometime ago, and they decided to break into the US Flea Market, Several cars, as well as hit a child during the acts of theft. I was arrested as an accessory to the crimes and after 6 months of awaiting court in jail I received probation, in which I was married & I believe my ex-wife to have been cheating on me during this period. I paid the probation off, save $137 USD, and by he year after the crimes I had a Mistress, and my marriage had fallen into oblivion. My life was shit. I divorced my wife after she had left for MN several months before, leaving me alone. Not long after everything fell apart I met Christy and moved to MD, A place where I knew no one and yet I loved her enough to leave everything behind after the finish of her semester and graduation from Wake Forest University with a BA in Psychology. I thought everything was done with my probation here and BOY was I wrong. After a year & 4 months I told Christy I couldn’t handle her head games, & being worried if I had to always be afraid of her hitting on other women as well as my best friend, Derek, who was NC. Not long afterwards I got shit faced on Bacardi 151, Jägermister, and Tuwaka butter shots I called Candi, a beautiful, intelligent, and good friend in Canada, telling her I loved her & if her current boyfriend ever hurt her I’d cut his head off with a huge pocket knife I had in my hand, though to this day I don’t remember where I got it, or something nearly close in much more colorful language. I was pretty wasted and went home with my roommates. I typed about three letters before my head bounced off the computer desk and Jesse (My former friend. -14-03-05) helped me to the couch and put me on web cam to Candi. A few days later I got a call from Candi telling me she had made a decision…at the time I had no idea what it was about, now I do…she wanted to be with me and move to Baltimore MD with me. So the next day Jesse, Jackie, & Myself set out for Canada. 10 hours later I was arrested in Detroit for Felony Warrants from NC. I was taken back to NC and sat in jail for 4 months before ever seeing the court room just to activate my time so I could be done with it and move on. I lost everything in the process to Christy, I tried to contact her in order to have my sister collect my things…Needless to say I haven’t heard from her. (And I found out she had my cats put to sleep…14-03-05)
I have no idea how to contact Candi…one woman I have loved for a long time and believe perhaps to be my soul’s other half. Candi, if you’re out there and have a chance please contact me through a comment on my profile.
The past 5 months have been hell on me and I’ve been so lonely and utterly depressed…I went even as far to try to commit suicide by hanging myself and writing a 2 page suicide note…as you can tell I suck at that as well…not once but 9 times I broke the homemade rope. While I was in jail I was beaten unconscious and raped in the six man shower so after the 5 months there being moved to a cell on my own was a godsend. Now I’m in Piedmont Correctional Institute in Salisbury NC…I’m much more comfortable and not scared here. I’ll be out of here soon going to another prison and then on to my mom’s house until I get my life sorted out again. I’ll have been at home nearly a week before you’ll ever read this. I kind of feel like Beck’s lyrics, “I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me?” I’ve been more depressed in recent cycles that manic which is reversed on the streets (which isn’t true since my release -14-03-05)
Constant noise & people invade my little world, never being alone or having a private moment for myself, hell I even have to use the bathroom in the open! This experience has amplified my cat-like personality and habits-which is why I’ve reverted to my old nickname “The Great Kat”, “TG Kat” or just Kat. The Great Kat was the nickname that was given to me the last visit to New Orleans, LA a city that has haunted me and fascinated me to my very core…some day I’ll return.
Christy & Candi, to you both I’m sorry from the depths of my soul, Christy you may never realize how malleable I had become for you, Candi, despite my short comings I still love you and still consider you my best friend and perhaps only friend-and at this point I pray that is still true because I don’t know what has happened with you since my incarceration, knowing my luck everything I’ve know is completely and utterly gone.
(More to be added Later)
Mood:Shitty and Just depressed.
Music:Evanescence