today is beautiful, and tomorrow is halloween
i have no costume. i have no interest in dressing up. it all sounds like a good time, and a great idea, but when it comes down to it, i just don't feel like doing anything. i have nothing. i'm all alone. literally. im living by myself in a massive loft. it just feels like empty space. i have no friends here. i get incredibly fucked up with people i don't even know. people that after hanging out with them and doing lines and shots and talking about music and life and i end up surrendering my number in hopes to make a new friend, and when they text me or call me. i ignore it. i dont want to talk to anyone. i don't care about anything. im pretty fucking miserable. i dont know why the people i meet think i'm so great. they call me, want to hangout. and then all the boys they say, "you're not going to have a boyfriend for long..." or " its too bad you have a boyfriend" and from they gay boys they say," if he were my man, i'd make him pay more attention to me" and from the girls," he loves you so much" "you are the cutest couple ever" " promise me you wont ever break up"
i just want to get away from all of this. everyone talks so much. i don't know you, you don't know me, dont say these things to me, you have no right, and you have no idea. truth is, i don't have any idea either. i don't know what to do.
maybe i should stop drinking, maybe i should stop doing drugs, maybe i should just go get stoned. maybe i should take a klonopin. maybe i should go jump off one of the 3 bridges within a mide radius of my home.
i dont know why i came here.
maybe im just upset cuz i've always played it so safe my whole life. i don't trust anyone. i dont really know if there's a reason, i didn't have a really fucked up childhood. i was never beaten, molested, mistreated, or ignored. i've never had anyone close to me die. i've never had any severe injuries. i've never had anything really bad happen to me. i've never really depended on anyone else. i've just always been sorta fine, and everything's been pretty okay, but i've never really trusted anyone. ever. i've always been the one that took over the school projects and did the whole thing, cuz i just didn't think anyone else would do it. i can't explain why. i wish i knew, but i still feel the same way. i always expect the worst, and the worst is always what i get.
its probably the prettiest day yet here in portland, and i havent been outside. i have to go walk tito. he's a good dog.
there's really no reason for any of this.
bother. oh bother.
im losing it. faster than i have ever before.
i just want to get away from all of this. everyone talks so much. i don't know you, you don't know me, dont say these things to me, you have no right, and you have no idea. truth is, i don't have any idea either. i don't know what to do.
maybe i should stop drinking, maybe i should stop doing drugs, maybe i should just go get stoned. maybe i should take a klonopin. maybe i should go jump off one of the 3 bridges within a mide radius of my home.
i dont know why i came here.
maybe im just upset cuz i've always played it so safe my whole life. i don't trust anyone. i dont really know if there's a reason, i didn't have a really fucked up childhood. i was never beaten, molested, mistreated, or ignored. i've never had anyone close to me die. i've never had any severe injuries. i've never had anything really bad happen to me. i've never really depended on anyone else. i've just always been sorta fine, and everything's been pretty okay, but i've never really trusted anyone. ever. i've always been the one that took over the school projects and did the whole thing, cuz i just didn't think anyone else would do it. i can't explain why. i wish i knew, but i still feel the same way. i always expect the worst, and the worst is always what i get.
its probably the prettiest day yet here in portland, and i havent been outside. i have to go walk tito. he's a good dog.
there's really no reason for any of this.
bother. oh bother.
im losing it. faster than i have ever before.