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Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash time and time again into a stone seawall.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that, despite the prospect of his future infidelities, he might be the best she can do.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash time and time again into a stone seawall.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
Leo July 23 - August 22
While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that, despite the prospect of his future infidelities, he might be the best she can do.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.