lessons
Wow. LJ no longer accepts HTML?
Sometimes, when I'm faced with the stupidity of what I've done, I can't understand why I didn't kill myself.
Cowardice. The kind that freezes your bones in place.
There's been no forgiveness for me, no second chance. I find myself now in a similar spot to where I was in 2001, but I'm not reacting correctly because I'm not the person he loved anymore. I've become bitter, afraid, tired. The walls of illusion around me are so thick that I have no idea who I am. E3's in a few days and we have an impressively large booth (I'm indie now, btw. Hi!) and setup is going to be exhausting and I don't feel prepared to network, although I need to since I haven't deposited a paycheck in several months, my car's broken down and I look like a monster.
Stuff I Learned (So You Don't Have To)
For the love of Goddess and all things holy, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU THAT MINUTE, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Chill the fuck out. There could be a million things involved, and no matter what you do, it's not going to be fair or charming. A proposal should NEVER be a surprise-- it needs to be a discussion, a very long one, and this isn't 1897. Stop listening to your parents and the sad, starving little voice in the back of your mind, even if it feels like it's filling your head with freezing cold liquid. If you haven't met any of his friends or family after a year, he might not, but why don't you try asking him?
And do not stay at home playing a game, no matter how good the game is or how tired you are, if your SO is going to a bar with friends. Get up off the couch and go. He might be dead in a week. These things actually happen.
Time to go pick my friend up at the airport. I need new batteries for myself. Thanks for hearing me out. Life is strange. <3