The Rain - Chapter 10
Title: The Rain
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: NC-17 occasionally
Warnings: some violence and horror elements
Summary: AI8 tour. Adam is involved in a serious car accident that leaves him struggling to recover emotionally. Kris tries to help but is soon dealing with his own internal crisis.
Chapter 10
The hallway was silent in Adam’s absence. Kris quickly went to Geoff. “Are you hurt? Did he hit you? What happened?”
“I’m all right. No, no, I’m fine.”
“Man, what was that about?” Danny’s eyes were wide.
Michael appeared from down the hall. “What was that yelling?”
“Adam, man,” Danny said. “He went nuts. He threw Geoff into the wall and went after him. Crazy.”
“It’s not his fault!” Allison said sharply.
Lil shook her head. “God, that was terrible!”
Kris wasn’t sure Geoff was as fine as he claimed to be. He studied him searchingly. “Did you hit your head?”
Geoff fingered the back of his skull. “It’s not a big deal.” Kris could see him quickly regrouping. Geoff’s job was to keep the tour running. Publicity about Idols having breakdowns was detrimental to that goal. This fire needed to be put out fast. “Everybody just go back to whatever you were doing. Adam’s just tired and he’s been through a lot.”
Danny wasn’t having any of it. “What happened? Why’d he do that?”
“He attacked you?” Michael asked.
Geoff shook his head. “We bumped into each other as we passed. He gave me a shove and he yelled. I don’t think he’s been getting a lot of sleep. It’s nothing. Let’s not make it something. Okay? Kris, can I talk to you?”
Kris shook his head. Geoff made a sound of exasperation, and Kris met his eyes. “I’m gonna go talk to Adam.” He smiled briefly and headed down the hall.
Geoff called after him, “Uh, Kris…”
Kris waved without turning around. “It’s all right.” He reached Adam’s door and knocked.
* * *
“Adam.” It was Kris’ voice, through the door. No coherent thoughts formed in Adam’s brain, just a crash of emotion, like a wave smashing onto rocks. Love. Hate. Rage. Grief. He curled forward, kneeling face-down on the carpet, hiding his face in the darkness.
* * *
Kris tapped again. “Adam. Open the door. I’m not gonna go away until you do.”
Behind him he heard Geoff urging, and finally ordering, everyone out of the hallway.
Kris kept knocking. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m sorry. Open the door. I’m not gonna go away.”
After 20 minutes of this, Geoff sighed and rubbed the back of his head where it was bruised. “I’ve got other things I need to take care of. If you talk to him, will you let me know? And…be careful. This is a fucking nightmare.”
Kris nodded and raised his hand to knock again.
* * *
The knocking was like a chisel being tapped against his skull. Everything around him seemed to inflict pain: the carpet he was crouching on; the sound of the knocking; the light flooding the room. He wanted to escape. Somewhere dark. Somewhere quiet.
The room felt cold, so cold. And something smelled different suddenly: the smell of rain.
“Help me.” The whisper sounded clearly beside him. Then fingers, stiff and unyielding, pushed into his arm.
* * *
Before Kris’ fist could touch the door again, screaming exploded from the other side. Kris jumped, and Geoff whirled from where he’d been walking down the hallway. For a split-second the two of them stared at each other.
“I'll get somebody to let us in.” Geoff took off at a run.
Kris turned back to the door. “Adam! Open the door! Now! Listen to me! Open the door!”
The door wrenched open.
Kris stepped forward immediately, bracing his weight against it to make sure it couldn’t be shut again.
But there would be no effort to shut it. Adam was on his knees, his hand dropping away from the doorknob. He drew in air in as if he’d been drowning, and although he looked like he was trying to speak, nothing emerged.
Kris crouched in front of him and gripped his shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Even if he had been prepared for it, the cry of agony that came from Adam would have terrified him. It was the sound of complete despair. Of a pain beyond expression. Kris grabbed him and held him. “No, no, no. Hush, hush. You’re all right. It’s safe. You’re safe.” Kris put his arms around him and pulled Adam up against him. He felt Adam’s fingers dig into his shoulders, his face down and hidden. Words were lost again as sobs took him.
* * *
She was there. She was there, still begging for help. The help that he never gave. Still believing he would save her, when all he had done was let her die slowly. He could hear her crying.
There was no escaping the touch of her hand. It was the touch of guilt, and it would follow him down to the lowest depth of hell.
Someone had been screaming, but they stopped now. Light and shadow slid like oil around him. Two hands held him, reaching in from another world to keep him from falling through into nothingness. Someone spoke. The voice was strong and solid, like the links of a great steel chain. He fastened his mind to the voice and held on.
* * *
Kris kept talking. Although Adam didn’t respond to him directly, he thought the words were reaching him somehow. Kris heard someone at his back and recognized the voices of some of the other Idols. He reached behind him and pushed the door shut. A moment later, the lock clicked, and the door opened slowly.
“Kris?” It was Geoff.
Adam was quiet now, his forehead on Kris’ shoulder, his breathing quick and shaky.
“It’s okay,” Kris said. Why do I keep saying that when it isn’t true? Because I want it to be true? Because I’m really saying something different, like “I’m here, and I’ll do everything I can to help?” I shouldn’t say it when I haven’t helped anything. I have so let him down.
Geoff squeezed through the partially-open door and past Kris and Adam. He stood there, looking down at them. Adam was inert, except for the gasping breathing.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. He opened the door. He was on his knees. I don’t know.”
“Adam?” Geoff waited for an answer, but none came. He looked at Kris in frank desperation. “I don’t know what to do! I guess he should be hospitalized. He’s dangerous to us. And he’s pretty obviously dangerous to himself. This is a disaster for so many people.”
“He can’t help it,” Kris said roughly.
“I know that. But I can’t let this go on.”
* * *
The world began to resolve itself. Adam felt the hard hotel room floor underneath him. He was leaning on somebody. It was Kris. Kris had to be the one who pulled him back from oblivion. Again.
He fought to think, to regain control of a mind that had broken its structures. Didn’t know you could get like this. Didn’t know it was possible to be this lost inside yourself.
Geoff was talking. He was talking about a hospital or something. Adam settled back from Kris, but felt Kris’ hand on his arm, keeping contact. The room was just a normal room. There were no ghosts, no whispers. Geoff had stopped in mid-sentence.
“Adam?”
He licked his lips and cautiously looked at Geoff. Kris was too close, physically and emotionally to look at.
“How’re you doing?”
A new panic tingled like electricity into his chaos. If they don’t think I can go on, they’ll pull me out of the tour. I’ll lose everything I achieved by getting this far. I’ll lose all the momentum I built. I’ll be labeled a head case. I’ll lose so much ground I may never make it back. The whole rest of my life is at stake. I have to answer him. Have to talk.
“I don’t think it’s my best day,” he said in little over a whisper. He sensed the relaxation in the others in response to his managing a complete sentence.
* * *
Adam’s hair shielded his face. Half-focused, his eyes stuttered around the room, never lighting long on anything. Kris could see the effort as he struggled to put himself back together. What shattered him? What set off that screaming? Kris shivered at the memory.
Kris eased an arm around his shoulders. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”
Adam gave him a look of mingled astonishment, gratitude and fear, and it served Kris with another stab of guilt. Why should Adam be surprised by his kindness? And what was the fear? Of whatever was in his mind, or that Kris would invite him in then send him away again? Kris knew the answer.
“Come on. Let’s get you off the floor.” Kris helped him to his feet, but Geoff had to jump in when Adam started to go down again. Together, they got him to the bed, where he sat, slumped and looking like he might collapse.
He raised his head with an elegant kind of dignity and met Geoff’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you.” He abandoned the eye contact and looked away.
“I got to admit, I never thought I’d have my ass kicked by a guy wearing nail polish,” Geoff said matter-of-factly.
Adam gave a choked little involuntary laugh and muttered “I come from the tough end of West Hollywood.”
Geoff smiled and then scrutinized him. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m good.” He must have realized how ridiculous that sounded, because he quickly went on. “I mean, I’m…better. A lot better.”
“What happened? Can you tell us?”
Adam averted his face. Shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Had something upset you when I, uh, met you in the hallway?”
Adam stared at nothing. There was silence.
“That was my fault,” Kris said.
“No-“
“We had an argument,” Kris said calmly. “It was my fault.”
Adam shook his head, but didn’t speak.
Geoff searched Kris’ face for more answers, but got none. Went back to Adam. “Then when you got to your room, what happened then?”
Kris saw the little sideways flick of Adam’s eyes. He was no expert in body language, but he knew for a certainty that whatever Adam was about to say was a lie.
“Everything just came crashing down. I just couldn’t take it. I’m sorry.”
Geoff squeezed his shoulder, acceptance of his answer. And it was plausible. It just wasn’t true. Adam’s eyes came up meeting Kris’ for a second, and Kris saw the instant comprehension that Kris didn’t believe him. The eyes were gone in a flash, and Adam pulled his arms and legs tighter, closing himself off.
“You said something about a hospital,” Adam said quietly. “I really don’t want to go. The publicity…”
Beautiful. Appeal to Geoff in the way that speaks the loudest to him. Kris had to admire Adam’s ability to slant things to his advantage, even under the most difficult circumstances. He noticed Adam didn’t risk another glance in his direction.
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: NC-17 occasionally
Warnings: some violence and horror elements
Summary: AI8 tour. Adam is involved in a serious car accident that leaves him struggling to recover emotionally. Kris tries to help but is soon dealing with his own internal crisis.
Chapter 10
The hallway was silent in Adam’s absence. Kris quickly went to Geoff. “Are you hurt? Did he hit you? What happened?”
“I’m all right. No, no, I’m fine.”
“Man, what was that about?” Danny’s eyes were wide.
Michael appeared from down the hall. “What was that yelling?”
“Adam, man,” Danny said. “He went nuts. He threw Geoff into the wall and went after him. Crazy.”
“It’s not his fault!” Allison said sharply.
Lil shook her head. “God, that was terrible!”
Kris wasn’t sure Geoff was as fine as he claimed to be. He studied him searchingly. “Did you hit your head?”
Geoff fingered the back of his skull. “It’s not a big deal.” Kris could see him quickly regrouping. Geoff’s job was to keep the tour running. Publicity about Idols having breakdowns was detrimental to that goal. This fire needed to be put out fast. “Everybody just go back to whatever you were doing. Adam’s just tired and he’s been through a lot.”
Danny wasn’t having any of it. “What happened? Why’d he do that?”
“He attacked you?” Michael asked.
Geoff shook his head. “We bumped into each other as we passed. He gave me a shove and he yelled. I don’t think he’s been getting a lot of sleep. It’s nothing. Let’s not make it something. Okay? Kris, can I talk to you?”
Kris shook his head. Geoff made a sound of exasperation, and Kris met his eyes. “I’m gonna go talk to Adam.” He smiled briefly and headed down the hall.
Geoff called after him, “Uh, Kris…”
Kris waved without turning around. “It’s all right.” He reached Adam’s door and knocked.
* * *
“Adam.” It was Kris’ voice, through the door. No coherent thoughts formed in Adam’s brain, just a crash of emotion, like a wave smashing onto rocks. Love. Hate. Rage. Grief. He curled forward, kneeling face-down on the carpet, hiding his face in the darkness.
* * *
Kris tapped again. “Adam. Open the door. I’m not gonna go away until you do.”
Behind him he heard Geoff urging, and finally ordering, everyone out of the hallway.
Kris kept knocking. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m sorry. Open the door. I’m not gonna go away.”
After 20 minutes of this, Geoff sighed and rubbed the back of his head where it was bruised. “I’ve got other things I need to take care of. If you talk to him, will you let me know? And…be careful. This is a fucking nightmare.”
Kris nodded and raised his hand to knock again.
* * *
The knocking was like a chisel being tapped against his skull. Everything around him seemed to inflict pain: the carpet he was crouching on; the sound of the knocking; the light flooding the room. He wanted to escape. Somewhere dark. Somewhere quiet.
The room felt cold, so cold. And something smelled different suddenly: the smell of rain.
“Help me.” The whisper sounded clearly beside him. Then fingers, stiff and unyielding, pushed into his arm.
* * *
Before Kris’ fist could touch the door again, screaming exploded from the other side. Kris jumped, and Geoff whirled from where he’d been walking down the hallway. For a split-second the two of them stared at each other.
“I'll get somebody to let us in.” Geoff took off at a run.
Kris turned back to the door. “Adam! Open the door! Now! Listen to me! Open the door!”
The door wrenched open.
Kris stepped forward immediately, bracing his weight against it to make sure it couldn’t be shut again.
But there would be no effort to shut it. Adam was on his knees, his hand dropping away from the doorknob. He drew in air in as if he’d been drowning, and although he looked like he was trying to speak, nothing emerged.
Kris crouched in front of him and gripped his shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
Even if he had been prepared for it, the cry of agony that came from Adam would have terrified him. It was the sound of complete despair. Of a pain beyond expression. Kris grabbed him and held him. “No, no, no. Hush, hush. You’re all right. It’s safe. You’re safe.” Kris put his arms around him and pulled Adam up against him. He felt Adam’s fingers dig into his shoulders, his face down and hidden. Words were lost again as sobs took him.
* * *
She was there. She was there, still begging for help. The help that he never gave. Still believing he would save her, when all he had done was let her die slowly. He could hear her crying.
There was no escaping the touch of her hand. It was the touch of guilt, and it would follow him down to the lowest depth of hell.
Someone had been screaming, but they stopped now. Light and shadow slid like oil around him. Two hands held him, reaching in from another world to keep him from falling through into nothingness. Someone spoke. The voice was strong and solid, like the links of a great steel chain. He fastened his mind to the voice and held on.
* * *
Kris kept talking. Although Adam didn’t respond to him directly, he thought the words were reaching him somehow. Kris heard someone at his back and recognized the voices of some of the other Idols. He reached behind him and pushed the door shut. A moment later, the lock clicked, and the door opened slowly.
“Kris?” It was Geoff.
Adam was quiet now, his forehead on Kris’ shoulder, his breathing quick and shaky.
“It’s okay,” Kris said. Why do I keep saying that when it isn’t true? Because I want it to be true? Because I’m really saying something different, like “I’m here, and I’ll do everything I can to help?” I shouldn’t say it when I haven’t helped anything. I have so let him down.
Geoff squeezed through the partially-open door and past Kris and Adam. He stood there, looking down at them. Adam was inert, except for the gasping breathing.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. He opened the door. He was on his knees. I don’t know.”
“Adam?” Geoff waited for an answer, but none came. He looked at Kris in frank desperation. “I don’t know what to do! I guess he should be hospitalized. He’s dangerous to us. And he’s pretty obviously dangerous to himself. This is a disaster for so many people.”
“He can’t help it,” Kris said roughly.
“I know that. But I can’t let this go on.”
* * *
The world began to resolve itself. Adam felt the hard hotel room floor underneath him. He was leaning on somebody. It was Kris. Kris had to be the one who pulled him back from oblivion. Again.
He fought to think, to regain control of a mind that had broken its structures. Didn’t know you could get like this. Didn’t know it was possible to be this lost inside yourself.
Geoff was talking. He was talking about a hospital or something. Adam settled back from Kris, but felt Kris’ hand on his arm, keeping contact. The room was just a normal room. There were no ghosts, no whispers. Geoff had stopped in mid-sentence.
“Adam?”
He licked his lips and cautiously looked at Geoff. Kris was too close, physically and emotionally to look at.
“How’re you doing?”
A new panic tingled like electricity into his chaos. If they don’t think I can go on, they’ll pull me out of the tour. I’ll lose everything I achieved by getting this far. I’ll lose all the momentum I built. I’ll be labeled a head case. I’ll lose so much ground I may never make it back. The whole rest of my life is at stake. I have to answer him. Have to talk.
“I don’t think it’s my best day,” he said in little over a whisper. He sensed the relaxation in the others in response to his managing a complete sentence.
* * *
Adam’s hair shielded his face. Half-focused, his eyes stuttered around the room, never lighting long on anything. Kris could see the effort as he struggled to put himself back together. What shattered him? What set off that screaming? Kris shivered at the memory.
Kris eased an arm around his shoulders. “It’s okay. You’re safe.”
Adam gave him a look of mingled astonishment, gratitude and fear, and it served Kris with another stab of guilt. Why should Adam be surprised by his kindness? And what was the fear? Of whatever was in his mind, or that Kris would invite him in then send him away again? Kris knew the answer.
“Come on. Let’s get you off the floor.” Kris helped him to his feet, but Geoff had to jump in when Adam started to go down again. Together, they got him to the bed, where he sat, slumped and looking like he might collapse.
He raised his head with an elegant kind of dignity and met Geoff’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you.” He abandoned the eye contact and looked away.
“I got to admit, I never thought I’d have my ass kicked by a guy wearing nail polish,” Geoff said matter-of-factly.
Adam gave a choked little involuntary laugh and muttered “I come from the tough end of West Hollywood.”
Geoff smiled and then scrutinized him. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m good.” He must have realized how ridiculous that sounded, because he quickly went on. “I mean, I’m…better. A lot better.”
“What happened? Can you tell us?”
Adam averted his face. Shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Had something upset you when I, uh, met you in the hallway?”
Adam stared at nothing. There was silence.
“That was my fault,” Kris said.
“No-“
“We had an argument,” Kris said calmly. “It was my fault.”
Adam shook his head, but didn’t speak.
Geoff searched Kris’ face for more answers, but got none. Went back to Adam. “Then when you got to your room, what happened then?”
Kris saw the little sideways flick of Adam’s eyes. He was no expert in body language, but he knew for a certainty that whatever Adam was about to say was a lie.
“Everything just came crashing down. I just couldn’t take it. I’m sorry.”
Geoff squeezed his shoulder, acceptance of his answer. And it was plausible. It just wasn’t true. Adam’s eyes came up meeting Kris’ for a second, and Kris saw the instant comprehension that Kris didn’t believe him. The eyes were gone in a flash, and Adam pulled his arms and legs tighter, closing himself off.
“You said something about a hospital,” Adam said quietly. “I really don’t want to go. The publicity…”
Beautiful. Appeal to Geoff in the way that speaks the loudest to him. Kris had to admire Adam’s ability to slant things to his advantage, even under the most difficult circumstances. He noticed Adam didn’t risk another glance in his direction.