Gwah?
.
.
This was written by me about a week ago, but I thought maybe I'd post it up just the same.
The act of posting these mind ramblings is uber cathartic for me even if it serves no other purpose. I get to release it into the universe and move on. So: Thanks.
.
.
.
Write?
Write about what? What it's really like?
Whats it really like?
I watched "Almost Famous" until 4am.
About to become a 10?
If you think too much you see the people who judge you and while that is a powerful sight, it can also poison you.
You get grand insights that are useless except that if your introspect, retrospect and reflect too much it taints you. twists you. Mutates you. Corrupts and diseases. Moulds and molds. Eats at you until you think you have it all figured out, you can see every evil thing that people do, and you can, but you have troubles seeing the good anymore. While evident and you can even appreciate it, it just doesn't make the impressions that your validated insight into the ulterior minds of people does.
I was talking to someone just the other day, and trusting my mouth the way I do I laughed at the "10 Commandments". The words, not the movie. I had a vision in my head of poor poor Moses leading his people through the desert, past dangers and through relentless repetition. His people would become bored in their smoldering but unchallenged intelligence and begin to evil upon each other. Damn envy, damn angers. So one day, as I describe it, Moses is pulling his hair out by the roots at how Joe-bob coveted Sammy's wife so Sammy killed Joe-bob when he says, "Hey dudes, I'ma go up this here hill a spell and see if I can get god to rap wif me a bit, so I want you all to sit and pray (and don't touch anything or anyone while I'm up there) and I'll be right back, k?" Then he heads up the mountain and using GRAND wisdom he starts to think to himself: "These people aren't listening to me as much, what/who will they listen to I wonder...." and whabam, into his brain comes a perfect plan, so he writes down the top 10 shit that people are doing to one another. Well, it's more likely 40 or 50 things, but he distills the list by adding some items together into "covet" "envy" and "pride". Now he's down to 20 and he drops a few off that aren't as severe, then he winds up with 9 but that doesn't seem like a godly thing to have an odd number and throws in teh "graven images" to round out the pack. This I figure, takes him about 8 days so he chillaxs, stresses, works on his tan a bit and then realized he's going to forget some if he doesn't commit them to a medium somehow. Into the rocks and poof, you have a doctrine and the vast majority of his petty problems as leader just go away into the hearts of his people and by giving the god name to them he takes the onus off of himself and they become infallible.
Nifty stuff.
Just writing to write here eh? Don't judge this.
I tell this because it relates to where I'm going.
One thing about having a strong moral code is that it gives you structures. Tables to sit on chairs at under a roof with walls. You can sit in your chair and look around you and say that someone else's chair doesn't conform to your idea of a chair so therefore it must be wrong, poor thing. Poor mistaken chair.
but some will say it MUST be the builder of the chair that was wrong. And if that builder was a person then it's also possible that the very design of the chair is tainted. AND if thats true then couldn't it be that maybe, just maybe the chair designer might have built his chair with intent somehow, although you couldn't imagine how this poor poor person might think this a chair. but wait: if he WAS building a chair, and that chair is clearly wrong, then it may also even be possible that he designed it in advance with forethought. But if that were true wouldn't he have seen how un-chairlike his design was? Of course he must have. So then he built this abomination with intent. and if his intent was a wrong one... he may have been malicious.
This is what I do with some of my thoughts.
Well, ok, let me say that this is what I have done in the past with some of my thoughts and I intend for this to happen no longer.
It's no big thing, it certainly wasn't planned and couldn't take longer than 1/2 of a single second, but I think this may have been the process no less.
A new day dawns. I see myself for what I am and I wish to replace my behavior. And so it is done.
I made a pact with the universe last night. A simple one. I'll spare the details but the simplicity is this: I will trust it if it promises to do me no harm. We chatted it out and came to an agreement so at long last I can finally relax.
y'know it's funny. I've been considering myself for years. Trying every day to discover whats the dealio with the thang that is me. I have found lots of stuff and considered them and each time, after comparing it to my other beliefs, took a stance that I thought would please me, the universe and everything. 42.
So: after all these years what do I have? A boatload of structures with no-one living inside them. I've created an elaborate moral high-ground and built a house out of proper and furnished it with appropriate and painted the walls with clarity. For all of this though I'm left with only structures. Cold and empty. No home can be happy until a person moves in to enjoy it. Just like a tree needs a child to climb it.
I put all my effort into becoming the picture of what I assessed to be proper (of course this is based on my morality and not yours right?).
I've been grinning like a goofy fool since my little chat with the universe. I've been joking with friends more and taking nothing overly seriously yet. I've been feeling the good vibes and I think I may start dreaming again, who knows?
There are a few things I know for 100% sure about myself so far: I don't like conventional forms of work. I like ladies (ahem). I like to build visions in all forms. I like the feeling I get when I get scared but I go ahead with confidence that I can take care of myself. I like kittycats. I want to be more. I'm dead sexy. you know; things we all know is true about me. hehe.
I've always known beauty is everywhere and I like to seek it, but I think that now I just might know how to *appreciate* it like I haven't before, or maybe like I haven't in a looooong time.
I was a golden child. blessed from day 1. Things fell into my lap, opportunities and jobs and girls and more. I was soul searching the other day and was trying to find a catalyst for when I shut off all of this and built my structures instead. The same friend mentioned that I never *stopped*, but suffered. I feel a LOT. I mean seriously, listen to me here, I feel a LOT! I hear one choke in someone elses voice and I choke immediately. i cry sometimes to see birds. It brings me pure unadulterated joy to see joy. I'm not saying I have more than anyone else, i think though that I might be a little more tuned perhaps? I would never shut them down but I try to mask them from sight. To this end i built "serious guy" who's my stone faced character. I use him a lot. I mask emotions with him, I control discussions and arguments with him, I stonewall aggressors with him but all the while I still feel, quite extraordinarily in fact. I would like to think that everyone feels like I do, as much as I do but I have to admit that there are some people who really really REALLY don't seem to. And what makes me sad is it seems to be a lot of parents too, but I dunno, thats just a thought I had once. Shouldn't they be the people teaching emotional maturity to our children though?? ok, ill let that go.
Anyway, I never stopped but I feel a lot so every time something hit me it would have to be absorbed. My mom died and that took about 4 years to absorb, but I ignored everything else while that was going on so the load never got too hard to bear. But if you put me in a room with someone who judges I get these little weights that take maybe a few days to absorb, but if I get 50 in a sitting then I become like Atlas, still moving but overweighted fiercely and the total mass takes much longer to absorb.
When I process things like I described from the top, with a dead eye, this happens a lot. Put me into a situation where someone judges you daily and it becomes a cascading failure in that I suddenly have the power to hit myself by remembering something that happened in the past... This was marriage for me.
Aiiight, bed time, mid stream, but it's 5 am.
.
This was written by me about a week ago, but I thought maybe I'd post it up just the same.
The act of posting these mind ramblings is uber cathartic for me even if it serves no other purpose. I get to release it into the universe and move on. So: Thanks.
.
.
.
Write?
Write about what? What it's really like?
Whats it really like?
I watched "Almost Famous" until 4am.
About to become a 10?
If you think too much you see the people who judge you and while that is a powerful sight, it can also poison you.
You get grand insights that are useless except that if your introspect, retrospect and reflect too much it taints you. twists you. Mutates you. Corrupts and diseases. Moulds and molds. Eats at you until you think you have it all figured out, you can see every evil thing that people do, and you can, but you have troubles seeing the good anymore. While evident and you can even appreciate it, it just doesn't make the impressions that your validated insight into the ulterior minds of people does.
I was talking to someone just the other day, and trusting my mouth the way I do I laughed at the "10 Commandments". The words, not the movie. I had a vision in my head of poor poor Moses leading his people through the desert, past dangers and through relentless repetition. His people would become bored in their smoldering but unchallenged intelligence and begin to evil upon each other. Damn envy, damn angers. So one day, as I describe it, Moses is pulling his hair out by the roots at how Joe-bob coveted Sammy's wife so Sammy killed Joe-bob when he says, "Hey dudes, I'ma go up this here hill a spell and see if I can get god to rap wif me a bit, so I want you all to sit and pray (and don't touch anything or anyone while I'm up there) and I'll be right back, k?" Then he heads up the mountain and using GRAND wisdom he starts to think to himself: "These people aren't listening to me as much, what/who will they listen to I wonder...." and whabam, into his brain comes a perfect plan, so he writes down the top 10 shit that people are doing to one another. Well, it's more likely 40 or 50 things, but he distills the list by adding some items together into "covet" "envy" and "pride". Now he's down to 20 and he drops a few off that aren't as severe, then he winds up with 9 but that doesn't seem like a godly thing to have an odd number and throws in teh "graven images" to round out the pack. This I figure, takes him about 8 days so he chillaxs, stresses, works on his tan a bit and then realized he's going to forget some if he doesn't commit them to a medium somehow. Into the rocks and poof, you have a doctrine and the vast majority of his petty problems as leader just go away into the hearts of his people and by giving the god name to them he takes the onus off of himself and they become infallible.
Nifty stuff.
Just writing to write here eh? Don't judge this.
I tell this because it relates to where I'm going.
One thing about having a strong moral code is that it gives you structures. Tables to sit on chairs at under a roof with walls. You can sit in your chair and look around you and say that someone else's chair doesn't conform to your idea of a chair so therefore it must be wrong, poor thing. Poor mistaken chair.
but some will say it MUST be the builder of the chair that was wrong. And if that builder was a person then it's also possible that the very design of the chair is tainted. AND if thats true then couldn't it be that maybe, just maybe the chair designer might have built his chair with intent somehow, although you couldn't imagine how this poor poor person might think this a chair. but wait: if he WAS building a chair, and that chair is clearly wrong, then it may also even be possible that he designed it in advance with forethought. But if that were true wouldn't he have seen how un-chairlike his design was? Of course he must have. So then he built this abomination with intent. and if his intent was a wrong one... he may have been malicious.
This is what I do with some of my thoughts.
Well, ok, let me say that this is what I have done in the past with some of my thoughts and I intend for this to happen no longer.
It's no big thing, it certainly wasn't planned and couldn't take longer than 1/2 of a single second, but I think this may have been the process no less.
A new day dawns. I see myself for what I am and I wish to replace my behavior. And so it is done.
I made a pact with the universe last night. A simple one. I'll spare the details but the simplicity is this: I will trust it if it promises to do me no harm. We chatted it out and came to an agreement so at long last I can finally relax.
y'know it's funny. I've been considering myself for years. Trying every day to discover whats the dealio with the thang that is me. I have found lots of stuff and considered them and each time, after comparing it to my other beliefs, took a stance that I thought would please me, the universe and everything. 42.
So: after all these years what do I have? A boatload of structures with no-one living inside them. I've created an elaborate moral high-ground and built a house out of proper and furnished it with appropriate and painted the walls with clarity. For all of this though I'm left with only structures. Cold and empty. No home can be happy until a person moves in to enjoy it. Just like a tree needs a child to climb it.
I put all my effort into becoming the picture of what I assessed to be proper (of course this is based on my morality and not yours right?).
I've been grinning like a goofy fool since my little chat with the universe. I've been joking with friends more and taking nothing overly seriously yet. I've been feeling the good vibes and I think I may start dreaming again, who knows?
There are a few things I know for 100% sure about myself so far: I don't like conventional forms of work. I like ladies (ahem). I like to build visions in all forms. I like the feeling I get when I get scared but I go ahead with confidence that I can take care of myself. I like kittycats. I want to be more. I'm dead sexy. you know; things we all know is true about me. hehe.
I've always known beauty is everywhere and I like to seek it, but I think that now I just might know how to *appreciate* it like I haven't before, or maybe like I haven't in a looooong time.
I was a golden child. blessed from day 1. Things fell into my lap, opportunities and jobs and girls and more. I was soul searching the other day and was trying to find a catalyst for when I shut off all of this and built my structures instead. The same friend mentioned that I never *stopped*, but suffered. I feel a LOT. I mean seriously, listen to me here, I feel a LOT! I hear one choke in someone elses voice and I choke immediately. i cry sometimes to see birds. It brings me pure unadulterated joy to see joy. I'm not saying I have more than anyone else, i think though that I might be a little more tuned perhaps? I would never shut them down but I try to mask them from sight. To this end i built "serious guy" who's my stone faced character. I use him a lot. I mask emotions with him, I control discussions and arguments with him, I stonewall aggressors with him but all the while I still feel, quite extraordinarily in fact. I would like to think that everyone feels like I do, as much as I do but I have to admit that there are some people who really really REALLY don't seem to. And what makes me sad is it seems to be a lot of parents too, but I dunno, thats just a thought I had once. Shouldn't they be the people teaching emotional maturity to our children though?? ok, ill let that go.
Anyway, I never stopped but I feel a lot so every time something hit me it would have to be absorbed. My mom died and that took about 4 years to absorb, but I ignored everything else while that was going on so the load never got too hard to bear. But if you put me in a room with someone who judges I get these little weights that take maybe a few days to absorb, but if I get 50 in a sitting then I become like Atlas, still moving but overweighted fiercely and the total mass takes much longer to absorb.
When I process things like I described from the top, with a dead eye, this happens a lot. Put me into a situation where someone judges you daily and it becomes a cascading failure in that I suddenly have the power to hit myself by remembering something that happened in the past... This was marriage for me.
Aiiight, bed time, mid stream, but it's 5 am.