(no subject)
So...it's been a week since I've been home. Feels like months. Felt like crap most of the day today. Too much to do, never enough time. My brain's either spazzing out over a mental to do list or pondering the the same old thoughts in a daze lately. There's no middle ground. Never anymore.
I keep saying this state has nothing left for me... and I feel it more and more every day. Every time the mail comes in; every time someone says "are you related to so and so?;" every time people talk to me like I'm stranger... despite that I've known them all my life. I keep getting into these mental "fuck you" conversations with people. Like along the lines of who are YOU to talk?! Everyone acts like they have all the answers till they are forced to actually answer the questions. I've said it a million times... no, I did not plan to have children with multiple people, no, I didn't plan to have my kid's father several thousand miles away. And it's NOT a matter of what I'm doing or not doing with whoever. This whole thing was broken from the start. It was a ticking time bomb, and truth be told it exploded long before the person in question was a major factor in my life. Still, the fact that living arrangements did not change allows people believe I'm a home wrecker... to my own home.
I told the ex of my "mommy guilt" the other day. His only response was that I was still doing it. Still, in his eyes, moving away to chase another guy...pretty much strictly to chase said other guy. It's just...frustrating. YES! I feel like SHIT that he's going to be so far away from Sephie... but truth be told no one is forcing him to go that far away... and furthermore... this should have been done a long time ago. We've been at each other's throats several times a week for...god... I want to say almost 2 years now. Notice... the lack of blame there. Don't care to say either way; just causes more issues. What do I do though? Stay here? Let him stay here? We've had bills that we couldn't pay for months. I'm not happy here, he's not happy here. It's sure as hell not healthy for Sephie. So...what do I do? Make him live elsewhere? It was decided, by him, a long time ago that he would either live in the same house as me and her or he'd go back to CA. So... we have a tense, stressful house or he goes to CA. And if he goes to CA, what's the point of me staying here?! He thinks all the tenseness can be magically fixed.... and I use that term because WE'VE supposedly been trying to make this work for years now. He says I never tried... which, of course, I don't agree with, but that's...yeah...old news.
So, again, I say what do I do? It seems the responses to this change... not only with time, but depending on who's asking the question.
(Thank you, Semagic, for that automatic draft save feature!)
It often feels like I have one solid supporter... Perhaps I'm just being whiny when I say that, but... that's how it feels. And yes, that person does stand to gain something from this move, but it's something that I very much desire as well. It's something... well, I find words failing me at this point. I could use words, but they wouldn't cover it.
It's just...yeah, feels right. Feels very, very right. Regardless of what I do, and have done, it feels right.
When push comes shove, if said person was living somewhere like where I live now, economically, I would be thinking at least twice about this move. If it was somewhere dangerous, it would not happen. If I was not sure if this person would be good to Sephie, it would be out of the question.
Truth is, it's a great area. One of the strongest economies in the US, HALF the unemployment rate of here, same level of taxes (mostly... not sure on the property taxes), the crimes rates vary from 75% of those here (in the metro area which I'm avoiding), 25% in the countryside. (NOTE: Not real statistical analysis, taking FBI numbers and comparing the same data on overall crime scores).
As for the last bit, she asked me earlier where he was...it made me cringe. We just had a conversation the day before about how she never leaves him alone if we're there. I won't go detailed here...but I will say... besides one slight apprehension (which I believe is silly, because it would never be an issue, out of respect for my beliefs on the subject), I have no concerns about them spending time with each other. Truth be told, very few things touch me as deeply as watching them play together. I feel like I should feel bad for even typing that, but...it is what it is.
It's too late... I'm writing things I probably shouldn't be writing in public.
I miss you...in so many ways.
I keep saying this state has nothing left for me... and I feel it more and more every day. Every time the mail comes in; every time someone says "are you related to so and so?;" every time people talk to me like I'm stranger... despite that I've known them all my life. I keep getting into these mental "fuck you" conversations with people. Like along the lines of who are YOU to talk?! Everyone acts like they have all the answers till they are forced to actually answer the questions. I've said it a million times... no, I did not plan to have children with multiple people, no, I didn't plan to have my kid's father several thousand miles away. And it's NOT a matter of what I'm doing or not doing with whoever. This whole thing was broken from the start. It was a ticking time bomb, and truth be told it exploded long before the person in question was a major factor in my life. Still, the fact that living arrangements did not change allows people believe I'm a home wrecker... to my own home.
I told the ex of my "mommy guilt" the other day. His only response was that I was still doing it. Still, in his eyes, moving away to chase another guy...pretty much strictly to chase said other guy. It's just...frustrating. YES! I feel like SHIT that he's going to be so far away from Sephie... but truth be told no one is forcing him to go that far away... and furthermore... this should have been done a long time ago. We've been at each other's throats several times a week for...god... I want to say almost 2 years now. Notice... the lack of blame there. Don't care to say either way; just causes more issues. What do I do though? Stay here? Let him stay here? We've had bills that we couldn't pay for months. I'm not happy here, he's not happy here. It's sure as hell not healthy for Sephie. So...what do I do? Make him live elsewhere? It was decided, by him, a long time ago that he would either live in the same house as me and her or he'd go back to CA. So... we have a tense, stressful house or he goes to CA. And if he goes to CA, what's the point of me staying here?! He thinks all the tenseness can be magically fixed.... and I use that term because WE'VE supposedly been trying to make this work for years now. He says I never tried... which, of course, I don't agree with, but that's...yeah...old news.
So, again, I say what do I do? It seems the responses to this change... not only with time, but depending on who's asking the question.
(Thank you, Semagic, for that automatic draft save feature!)
It often feels like I have one solid supporter... Perhaps I'm just being whiny when I say that, but... that's how it feels. And yes, that person does stand to gain something from this move, but it's something that I very much desire as well. It's something... well, I find words failing me at this point. I could use words, but they wouldn't cover it.
It's just...yeah, feels right. Feels very, very right. Regardless of what I do, and have done, it feels right.
When push comes shove, if said person was living somewhere like where I live now, economically, I would be thinking at least twice about this move. If it was somewhere dangerous, it would not happen. If I was not sure if this person would be good to Sephie, it would be out of the question.
Truth is, it's a great area. One of the strongest economies in the US, HALF the unemployment rate of here, same level of taxes (mostly... not sure on the property taxes), the crimes rates vary from 75% of those here (in the metro area which I'm avoiding), 25% in the countryside. (NOTE: Not real statistical analysis, taking FBI numbers and comparing the same data on overall crime scores).
As for the last bit, she asked me earlier where he was...it made me cringe. We just had a conversation the day before about how she never leaves him alone if we're there. I won't go detailed here...but I will say... besides one slight apprehension (which I believe is silly, because it would never be an issue, out of respect for my beliefs on the subject), I have no concerns about them spending time with each other. Truth be told, very few things touch me as deeply as watching them play together. I feel like I should feel bad for even typing that, but...it is what it is.
It's too late... I'm writing things I probably shouldn't be writing in public.
I miss you...in so many ways.