(no subject)
Okay, writing now... cross posting even I think. Just to hit the easy topics first. The problem that I eluded to in the last (LJ) entry has been resolved. And hopefully will stay that way o.O House issues are semi on hold till Feb. Not looking good there, but not much I can do at the moment.
I know... that there's going to be A LOT of backlash from my holidays plans. It's just gotten to the stage where I've given up. Other people's remarks aside... A girl can only keep faith for some sort of mutually acceptable resolution for so long. I don't know of any other way to put that. These things... It's not like I'm "omg this is awesome" about all aspects of it. And no, I never have been. Thumper posted pics of him and Sephie to myspace recently... and they kinda just choke me up. In many ways it's pointless to even say why. Very few people believe me. He talks of being villanized... a feeling I know well. It's my fault... I didn't try, I got with someone else, I never cared (this one kills me), I'm a bad mother, I'm a slut... (sighs... you know there's something amazing about being called that straight off of a 4 year sexually exclusive relationship.) And you know I don't write to whine... just to state... that I KNOW what it feels like to be portrayed as the bad guy. There's still moments when I get unbelievably depressed that it didn't work out. Moments knowing that regardless of what's going on in my life with certain others... that the situation won't work. Being told that it didn't/doesn't work because I didn't try... well you know those comments ironically make it easier... because I KNOW better... and if people couldn't see that... hell still see it... then what's the point of continuing to "try." I'm still more often then not "trying." I'm still tryin' like hell to swallow the frustrations, to come to some sort of compromise... And yes, more often then not these days those compromises come in the form of "whatever" from one party or the other. Not exactly what I'm looking for. Ironically, I think we both say it for the same reasons. Surrender... based on the assumption that the other does not care.
It freakin' makes me sad that she might not always have him around... but it's a rock and a hard place to keep it up. Well several rocks and hard places. Do we just stay as we are which.. well, let's face it we're BOTH miserable with the current living arrangements! Without even saying who's fault it is, or why it is or any other accusational shit... I think that it's pretty clear that the current situation doesn't work. CA? Well that's just fine for him... and funny enough, he once told me how much it sucked to be in my terrority and having to deal exclusively with my family. And yet... he has no issues with doing the same to me. Not even going to touch that one. Anyone who knows me knows that I all but require a safety zone... I need somewhere where I do not feel threatened or judged or examined etc etc. Right now... well if such a place exists...it exists under certain conditions only. At least I think those certain conditions are required... not brave enough to test it... but anyway... Cali to me is like... the jungle and I'm the little creature that's constantly being hunted. Not to say that those in Cali are "out to get me," but let's face it... there is no "safety" there. It is by default that if things go wrong then I am the wrong one. It's offhanded things that were said years ago that become the evidence for my wrongdoing. It's a basic cage. Because in the end, I have no true allies out there... just a friend who occasionally wants to pursue something and a lot of people who will turn the moment he is denied what he wants. Sorry, but that's not going to help at all. People cannot grow when their every flaw is accepted and defended. No need to wake up and smell the java... it's always the other person's fault.
That being said... NO! I do not want to stay in this state. So if I'm not going to Cali, and not staying here... how many more options are there? Well those are the two options that keep her near her father. That's assuming he's allowed to live with me if I am in this state... not living with me is not an option to him. More rocks. It only seems natural... that if I were to go somewhere else I'd want to go somewhere where I know someone and trust them. This is one of the things that causes accusations lately... That I'm stealing the kid to chase another guy... Is it preferable that I go somewhere where I do not know anyone? How does that solve anything... he'll still go back to Cali, I think anyway, and I'll still be running solo. So I'm still "stealing" her. *flops on keyboard* So I find myself pursuing that which makes me happy feeling unable to please everyone. And so... the warring goes on.
And I sit here..feeling bad for pursuing my own happiness even though... I'm not seeing any way out where it's not going to be bad in some form or another.
Wish I could sleep.
I know... that there's going to be A LOT of backlash from my holidays plans. It's just gotten to the stage where I've given up. Other people's remarks aside... A girl can only keep faith for some sort of mutually acceptable resolution for so long. I don't know of any other way to put that. These things... It's not like I'm "omg this is awesome" about all aspects of it. And no, I never have been. Thumper posted pics of him and Sephie to myspace recently... and they kinda just choke me up. In many ways it's pointless to even say why. Very few people believe me. He talks of being villanized... a feeling I know well. It's my fault... I didn't try, I got with someone else, I never cared (this one kills me), I'm a bad mother, I'm a slut... (sighs... you know there's something amazing about being called that straight off of a 4 year sexually exclusive relationship.) And you know I don't write to whine... just to state... that I KNOW what it feels like to be portrayed as the bad guy. There's still moments when I get unbelievably depressed that it didn't work out. Moments knowing that regardless of what's going on in my life with certain others... that the situation won't work. Being told that it didn't/doesn't work because I didn't try... well you know those comments ironically make it easier... because I KNOW better... and if people couldn't see that... hell still see it... then what's the point of continuing to "try." I'm still more often then not "trying." I'm still tryin' like hell to swallow the frustrations, to come to some sort of compromise... And yes, more often then not these days those compromises come in the form of "whatever" from one party or the other. Not exactly what I'm looking for. Ironically, I think we both say it for the same reasons. Surrender... based on the assumption that the other does not care.
It freakin' makes me sad that she might not always have him around... but it's a rock and a hard place to keep it up. Well several rocks and hard places. Do we just stay as we are which.. well, let's face it we're BOTH miserable with the current living arrangements! Without even saying who's fault it is, or why it is or any other accusational shit... I think that it's pretty clear that the current situation doesn't work. CA? Well that's just fine for him... and funny enough, he once told me how much it sucked to be in my terrority and having to deal exclusively with my family. And yet... he has no issues with doing the same to me. Not even going to touch that one. Anyone who knows me knows that I all but require a safety zone... I need somewhere where I do not feel threatened or judged or examined etc etc. Right now... well if such a place exists...it exists under certain conditions only. At least I think those certain conditions are required... not brave enough to test it... but anyway... Cali to me is like... the jungle and I'm the little creature that's constantly being hunted. Not to say that those in Cali are "out to get me," but let's face it... there is no "safety" there. It is by default that if things go wrong then I am the wrong one. It's offhanded things that were said years ago that become the evidence for my wrongdoing. It's a basic cage. Because in the end, I have no true allies out there... just a friend who occasionally wants to pursue something and a lot of people who will turn the moment he is denied what he wants. Sorry, but that's not going to help at all. People cannot grow when their every flaw is accepted and defended. No need to wake up and smell the java... it's always the other person's fault.
That being said... NO! I do not want to stay in this state. So if I'm not going to Cali, and not staying here... how many more options are there? Well those are the two options that keep her near her father. That's assuming he's allowed to live with me if I am in this state... not living with me is not an option to him. More rocks. It only seems natural... that if I were to go somewhere else I'd want to go somewhere where I know someone and trust them. This is one of the things that causes accusations lately... That I'm stealing the kid to chase another guy... Is it preferable that I go somewhere where I do not know anyone? How does that solve anything... he'll still go back to Cali, I think anyway, and I'll still be running solo. So I'm still "stealing" her. *flops on keyboard* So I find myself pursuing that which makes me happy feeling unable to please everyone. And so... the warring goes on.
And I sit here..feeling bad for pursuing my own happiness even though... I'm not seeing any way out where it's not going to be bad in some form or another.
Wish I could sleep.