(no subject)
Writing... half way to push the below entry down... partly because I want to and I know this journal gets checked less often. Might as well delay the backlash right? Just watched the (current) object of my affection and my ex walk out the door together for a road trip to pick up the former's ex. In a car owned by yours truly. Am I too nice or just stupid?
Off intended topics for a moment...isn't funny how certain songs end up linked to certain people? The ex was talking about "The Perfect Drug" earlier..and how one of my other exes ruined it for me. Kinda true. Didn't ruin it, but definitely brings up...memories most the time I hear it. And now I'm listening to "Found Out About You" which is forever linked to a certain Acidic bastard... Tool's Schism is linked to the same one as Perfect Drug. The current object of affections links are to Nickelback's "Someday" (4 years ago) and Hinder's "Lips of an Angel." The most recent ex has become completely linked to Trapt's "Headstrong," not sure that's a good thing. Korn's "Blind" for my life as a whole at the moment. Oh yeah... G'n'R's "Estranged" for Mr. Miko...for the early days. NIN's "The Only Time" to so many empty nights... Disturbed's "Meaning of Life" & "Devour" to D. That fucker made me so violent...DAMN I could use that right now.
Back to my train of thought, mayhaps, took a long break there. Need to find that train again...Ah yeah...the ex and the object (ha I'm objectifying you!). I keep getting into these conversations in which my ex tells me if he did the same thing as the other then I still wouldn't feel the same way about him. If that change was to occur right now, yes, he'd be correct. But... those are bridges that were burned long ago. Had he done those same things years ago would things would've been different? I don't know...I don't even begin to know the laws of attraction. But if he did act that way back then would it have been the real him or just an act? Is the others behaviors just an act? I don't think so...he sure as hell can show his not so nice side when he wants to. The two of them are at "others" house at the moment. The house that I found for him, checked out cyberly for him, called on for him and helped him move to...that I have not actually been to. My ex and his ex have though.. or rather will have by the end of the weekend. Perhaps I'm just sucker in this case. I guess I just take it at the face value that it is offered. Not like me...but there's a lot of shit that's gone done lately... and I'm just feeling real blah lately.
Having said other around helps my mood tremendously... but yeah that's not part of his current plan. And when he is here...well let's just say me and the ex have this lovely little game going on where he insists on babysitting and I do my damndest to stop that. Crude? Yeah, maybe, but I'm working with limited time here, and I know it. Might as well enjoy the company while I have it instead of looking at my feet all tense and growly... mother fuck I have enough to be tense about right now right now?!
In other news, if you didn't understand the below, my mother died last Friday, at her house, while in the care of myself and her fiance. You know she always told me she was against life support/resuscitation, and I told her I did not want that decision in my hands. Her fiance was actually written down as her medical advocate, because she knew how I felt about it. I tell you though, after those 3 days of taking care of her in that state...we wanted her to go. I know it sounds horrible... but she was in constant pain...her kidneys were failing she flat out could not breath even with two oxygen machines hooked up. The last two days her only movements were thrashing from trying to breath. And that was the easiest way to see her..the glassy stares and gasping in pain while trying like hell to talk was the really hard shit to watch. The further details are in another journal but don't feel like writing them right now. As crazy as it seems concentrating on my (lack of) love life and future plans is a lot easier.
Future plans... once we get all the estate crap through probate...might be easy, might be a fight depending on my brother. Ha.. yeah like I want to depend on my brother. Anyway...I essentially just inherited her house...and her pets. Gotta get rid of one of the pets.. she's just not good with other pets... or kids. I have both. Going to start acclimating the animals next week. Her cats all live outside because of her dogs... they're just going to have to get over there as I have three housecats and they will not live outside. Too much worry for me...and Vs, my baby orange kitty...lord has that cat been through too much with me, has a weakened immune system so he's an even bigger risk. Need to get at least one more dog cage... if not two. She's got 5 chihuahua or chihuahua mixes...I have a German Shepherd, chihuahua mix (brother from another litter of two of hers, son of one of hers, grandson of the one I need to get rid of) and the three cats. Oh yeah she has the two cats that have been forced outside because of the dogs and I fully plan to allow them in the house whenever they want. Her fiance still lives here and won't let the cats stay in the house, especially upstairs. Poor Shads and JewJew... better known as Shadow and Jewell...err, yeah... so Shadow is the girl and Jewell is the boy... not that too many people believe Jewell is a boy.
Anyway beyond the pet problems...the hottub needs to be fixed, just the thermostat, not sure I'm comfortable with doing it myself, maybe get a new bathtub...and I want to put in new carpet. That'll be all till it's legally in my name...I plan to do a major remodel on the kitchen once it is legally in my name. That will take at least 4 months. Looking into getting a sectional couch... not sure of if I'm shooting for recliners or pull out bed...and a portable dishwasher... because, well, I like having a dishwasher that doesn't leave my paws chapped! Gotta figure out what to do with all those plants over there. It's a little depressing that half the plants in her house at this time came from funerals...first grandpa's now her's... I dunno I'm worried about the dogs digging in the floors ones... of course... HMM... I could just get another card table and set them up on that...then they'd cover the windows...but it's not like I care much...plus that way when Xmas rolls around (oh god that's going to be depressing...first Xmas with out Grandpa and mother). I can just move the table and all into another area for the few weeks. .Nods all knowingly. Gotta put deadbolts on all three doors...and this, ladies and gents, is the EASY stuff... you don't even want to know about the SS/Disability/Credit Union/Retirement fun.
Anyway... now that I've been writing this on and off for uh 4 hours... maybe I should just stop yeah?
Off intended topics for a moment...isn't funny how certain songs end up linked to certain people? The ex was talking about "The Perfect Drug" earlier..and how one of my other exes ruined it for me. Kinda true. Didn't ruin it, but definitely brings up...memories most the time I hear it. And now I'm listening to "Found Out About You" which is forever linked to a certain Acidic bastard... Tool's Schism is linked to the same one as Perfect Drug. The current object of affections links are to Nickelback's "Someday" (4 years ago) and Hinder's "Lips of an Angel." The most recent ex has become completely linked to Trapt's "Headstrong," not sure that's a good thing. Korn's "Blind" for my life as a whole at the moment. Oh yeah... G'n'R's "Estranged" for Mr. Miko...for the early days. NIN's "The Only Time" to so many empty nights... Disturbed's "Meaning of Life" & "Devour" to D. That fucker made me so violent...DAMN I could use that right now.
Back to my train of thought, mayhaps, took a long break there. Need to find that train again...Ah yeah...the ex and the object (ha I'm objectifying you!). I keep getting into these conversations in which my ex tells me if he did the same thing as the other then I still wouldn't feel the same way about him. If that change was to occur right now, yes, he'd be correct. But... those are bridges that were burned long ago. Had he done those same things years ago would things would've been different? I don't know...I don't even begin to know the laws of attraction. But if he did act that way back then would it have been the real him or just an act? Is the others behaviors just an act? I don't think so...he sure as hell can show his not so nice side when he wants to. The two of them are at "others" house at the moment. The house that I found for him, checked out cyberly for him, called on for him and helped him move to...that I have not actually been to. My ex and his ex have though.. or rather will have by the end of the weekend. Perhaps I'm just sucker in this case. I guess I just take it at the face value that it is offered. Not like me...but there's a lot of shit that's gone done lately... and I'm just feeling real blah lately.
Having said other around helps my mood tremendously... but yeah that's not part of his current plan. And when he is here...well let's just say me and the ex have this lovely little game going on where he insists on babysitting and I do my damndest to stop that. Crude? Yeah, maybe, but I'm working with limited time here, and I know it. Might as well enjoy the company while I have it instead of looking at my feet all tense and growly... mother fuck I have enough to be tense about right now right now?!
In other news, if you didn't understand the below, my mother died last Friday, at her house, while in the care of myself and her fiance. You know she always told me she was against life support/resuscitation, and I told her I did not want that decision in my hands. Her fiance was actually written down as her medical advocate, because she knew how I felt about it. I tell you though, after those 3 days of taking care of her in that state...we wanted her to go. I know it sounds horrible... but she was in constant pain...her kidneys were failing she flat out could not breath even with two oxygen machines hooked up. The last two days her only movements were thrashing from trying to breath. And that was the easiest way to see her..the glassy stares and gasping in pain while trying like hell to talk was the really hard shit to watch. The further details are in another journal but don't feel like writing them right now. As crazy as it seems concentrating on my (lack of) love life and future plans is a lot easier.
Future plans... once we get all the estate crap through probate...might be easy, might be a fight depending on my brother. Ha.. yeah like I want to depend on my brother. Anyway...I essentially just inherited her house...and her pets. Gotta get rid of one of the pets.. she's just not good with other pets... or kids. I have both. Going to start acclimating the animals next week. Her cats all live outside because of her dogs... they're just going to have to get over there as I have three housecats and they will not live outside. Too much worry for me...and Vs, my baby orange kitty...lord has that cat been through too much with me, has a weakened immune system so he's an even bigger risk. Need to get at least one more dog cage... if not two. She's got 5 chihuahua or chihuahua mixes...I have a German Shepherd, chihuahua mix (brother from another litter of two of hers, son of one of hers, grandson of the one I need to get rid of) and the three cats. Oh yeah she has the two cats that have been forced outside because of the dogs and I fully plan to allow them in the house whenever they want. Her fiance still lives here and won't let the cats stay in the house, especially upstairs. Poor Shads and JewJew... better known as Shadow and Jewell...err, yeah... so Shadow is the girl and Jewell is the boy... not that too many people believe Jewell is a boy.
Anyway beyond the pet problems...the hottub needs to be fixed, just the thermostat, not sure I'm comfortable with doing it myself, maybe get a new bathtub...and I want to put in new carpet. That'll be all till it's legally in my name...I plan to do a major remodel on the kitchen once it is legally in my name. That will take at least 4 months. Looking into getting a sectional couch... not sure of if I'm shooting for recliners or pull out bed...and a portable dishwasher... because, well, I like having a dishwasher that doesn't leave my paws chapped! Gotta figure out what to do with all those plants over there. It's a little depressing that half the plants in her house at this time came from funerals...first grandpa's now her's... I dunno I'm worried about the dogs digging in the floors ones... of course... HMM... I could just get another card table and set them up on that...then they'd cover the windows...but it's not like I care much...plus that way when Xmas rolls around (oh god that's going to be depressing...first Xmas with out Grandpa and mother). I can just move the table and all into another area for the few weeks. .Nods all knowingly. Gotta put deadbolts on all three doors...and this, ladies and gents, is the EASY stuff... you don't even want to know about the SS/Disability/Credit Union/Retirement fun.
Anyway... now that I've been writing this on and off for uh 4 hours... maybe I should just stop yeah?