Stuck in the Past
For some reason, probably because I have nothing better to do, I have been really nostalgic lately. I am remembering stuff I probably shouldn't be remembering. Like my crush on Mike Racine after senior year, everthing that happened with Chris, stupid things I've done and stupid people I've dated. I find myself wondering about how things might have been if only I'd done something differently.
I wonder about Nate and how he's doing. I hear he's married, which is cool. I wouldn't want to be with him if I could. But I always have dreams about him coming back. I really don't think things ended well with him. I really screwed up and couldn't face the truth.
Relationships with me never end well. I am not friends with a single one of my ex's. I don't know if that's good or bad. But don't you find it odd that it's next to impossible for me to be friends with a male. Do I give off some signal that says "hit on me" or something? Even when I am with someone else.
I swear, I am impossible.
OK, so my new thing is starting over with Chris. Not because I think he deserves anything special, but because I need to get over my junior & senior years of high school and move on with my life. I know, I'm married, I have a baby on the way. That isn't the problem. I am really emotionally messed up and (even with my prozac) Chris has way too much influence on my life and over my emotions. I realize that he's Kirsten's dad and that makes him a part of my life. But something tells me that if I forgive him for how badly he hurt me (everything from telling me he never loved me, to the mind games about getting custody of Kirsten, to the everyday stubbornness), that I might make some progress in my life. I am beginning to understand that forgiveness is not necessairly for the person being forgiven, but for the person doing the forgiving; to make peace with life and move on. Honestly, what does holding a grudge do to the person you're mad at? Especially if they're as arrogant as Chris? Absolutely nothing. It's a waste of perfectly good emotional energy.
I don't know. Maybe I should step on some more mimes, that would make me feel better ;)
I wonder about Nate and how he's doing. I hear he's married, which is cool. I wouldn't want to be with him if I could. But I always have dreams about him coming back. I really don't think things ended well with him. I really screwed up and couldn't face the truth.
Relationships with me never end well. I am not friends with a single one of my ex's. I don't know if that's good or bad. But don't you find it odd that it's next to impossible for me to be friends with a male. Do I give off some signal that says "hit on me" or something? Even when I am with someone else.
I swear, I am impossible.
OK, so my new thing is starting over with Chris. Not because I think he deserves anything special, but because I need to get over my junior & senior years of high school and move on with my life. I know, I'm married, I have a baby on the way. That isn't the problem. I am really emotionally messed up and (even with my prozac) Chris has way too much influence on my life and over my emotions. I realize that he's Kirsten's dad and that makes him a part of my life. But something tells me that if I forgive him for how badly he hurt me (everything from telling me he never loved me, to the mind games about getting custody of Kirsten, to the everyday stubbornness), that I might make some progress in my life. I am beginning to understand that forgiveness is not necessairly for the person being forgiven, but for the person doing the forgiving; to make peace with life and move on. Honestly, what does holding a grudge do to the person you're mad at? Especially if they're as arrogant as Chris? Absolutely nothing. It's a waste of perfectly good emotional energy.
I don't know. Maybe I should step on some more mimes, that would make me feel better ;)