LJ Idol - Week 4 - Pick A Topic
Sort of pick a topic, what I chose from the list was: "I Don't Care About Apathy", What I "Should" Care About, But Don't.
I find that I don't care about a lot of things. I really don't. But what thing do I care least about, that I might should care more about? That's very hard to say. After much deliberation though, I've decided one of my biggest apathies in life is being a "typical woman".
My entire life I have never been the ideal. I've always been overweight. I was picked on all through my childhood because I was the fat kid. It didn't help that every year or two my mother and I would move, so I was frequently the new kid, who was also the fat kid. In 4th grade it was learned I needed glasses - not a big shock, since both of my parents wear glasses - but when you're 8 or 9 years old, it's a huge deal. I still remember a girl on my bus snatching up my glasses case and smacking me in the face with it, simply because I wore glasses. They broke and I didn't tell my mom what really happened to them. It was also just after 4th grade that I hit puberty, such a lovely time for a girl. Yeah, I was NINE years old, and had to deal with the monthly curse. Totally terrifying. I also still remember being in 5th grade, when school's started giving the not sex but "personal hygeine" type talks. The boys and girls were split into two classrooms to watch a video geared for their gender. Us girls got the pad/tampon video. There was a lot of giggling, and I absolutely knew I was the only girl in the classroom that actually had her period already. It was pretty humiliating having to tell your 5th grade teacher that you already had your period and would need to leave class to use the restroom during that time. Looking back I'm sure the teacher was stunned, since an elementary school teacher probably never thought they would have to deal with that. I'm very thankful my 5th grade teacher was a woman, too.
I don't know if it's because I was picked on so much as a kid (all the way up until high school, really), or because my mom is also not a typical woman, but I've never been into the things most girls are. A little background on my mother - she joined the Navy in the early 70's, rode a motorcycle, was a single mom... growing up with that sort of mom was a blessing, because it showed me I could do absolutely anything I wanted and I didn't need to rely on a man. But I can't say it's all a positive. My whole life I've dressed like a boy. Jeans, t-shirt, sneakers. While other girls had Strawberry Shortcake dresses, or My Little Pony t-shirts, I was rockin' G.I. Joe and Rambo. In 7th grade I even played football on the school's team, and not the wussy kicker or QB, I was on the line on both sides of the ball. I only played one season, because I was getting into that "rebellious, idiot teenager" time of my life where I wasted almost every opportunity I had... but that's not the topic at hand...
Now as an adult I still dress like a boy (though I am actually not a lesbian *shock*), I play pro women's football now, and I simply am who I am. I don't care about things like pleasing my man, make-up, kids, cooking, cleaning the house, buying tons of shoes, etc. In my early-20s I admit that I felt guilty for who I am. I spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me, why am I not like other women, why would I rather sit around watching tv shows with dick and fart jokes instead of going out on a shopping spree with the girls... and all that shit.
My answer? Because I don't like those things!
I think now, at 31, I'm finally comfortable just being who I am. No, I am not married, I have no kids and do not ever want kids (my friends' kids are cool, because I don't have to be around them constantly, if you know what I mean), I couldn't tell you if the price of a head of lettuce is higher this week than last, or what happened this week on General Hospital (I like Days of Our Lives, ok? BO AND HOPE BETTER NOT SPLIT UP! :-O)... and I'm ok with all of that.
What matters is that all the things that make me an un-typical woman make me pretty fucking awesome all the same. Because of being bi-polar (mostly) I don't often have a high opinion of myself. A lot of the time I think I suck pretty hard and not in the good way, but underneath that there's also a small part of me that knows what a great woman I am. Sure, I may be fat, but I'm pretty healthy and am working on being even healthier, even if I don't lose much weight. Sure, I may have short hair, but it's comfortable and easy to deal with, though I'm actually growing it out, but growing ones hair out from a mohawk takes quite awhile. Sure, I may not look very feminine, I have most German heritage and I kinda resemble those female Olympic power lifters more than I do Heidi Klum, but even if I got some drastic plastic surgery, my body frame will never allow me to look like that. What does make me awesome is that fact that I am unapologetically myself. You always know where you stand with me. I'm a loyal friend to the end, even to a fault. I will always help my friends, always. I'm quite introverted, but with those I trust I will bare my soul, I just ask they aren't afraid to do the same in return. I'm a very smart woman, even when I doubt myself for doing something stupid. If I weren't intelligent I wouldn't be where I am today, a hop, skip, and a jump from Grad school with Professors I respect assuring me I will get accepted.
I like me for me, cause I am NOT what every other woman in America is (and I can only judge myself against other American women on this one). I care about more than the gorgeous, rich hubby, the 2.5 kids, the McMansion, mani's and pedi's and martini's, doing 60 minutes on the eliptical or Pilates, what time the kids get out of soccer practice, hubby buying me a brand new Escalade and all those other things that just don't matter to me. (Note: I am also not saying these things are bad or wrong, they're just not *me*. But if someone would like to buy me even a used Escalade, that would rock!)
So much of American society tells me I should care about all of these things, that without them I am not a real woman. Then I realize I am so much more of a real woman than anyone cares to take note of, because I have brought myself above all of the superficial and artificial things so many people rely on.
The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm
I find that I don't care about a lot of things. I really don't. But what thing do I care least about, that I might should care more about? That's very hard to say. After much deliberation though, I've decided one of my biggest apathies in life is being a "typical woman".
My entire life I have never been the ideal. I've always been overweight. I was picked on all through my childhood because I was the fat kid. It didn't help that every year or two my mother and I would move, so I was frequently the new kid, who was also the fat kid. In 4th grade it was learned I needed glasses - not a big shock, since both of my parents wear glasses - but when you're 8 or 9 years old, it's a huge deal. I still remember a girl on my bus snatching up my glasses case and smacking me in the face with it, simply because I wore glasses. They broke and I didn't tell my mom what really happened to them. It was also just after 4th grade that I hit puberty, such a lovely time for a girl. Yeah, I was NINE years old, and had to deal with the monthly curse. Totally terrifying. I also still remember being in 5th grade, when school's started giving the not sex but "personal hygeine" type talks. The boys and girls were split into two classrooms to watch a video geared for their gender. Us girls got the pad/tampon video. There was a lot of giggling, and I absolutely knew I was the only girl in the classroom that actually had her period already. It was pretty humiliating having to tell your 5th grade teacher that you already had your period and would need to leave class to use the restroom during that time. Looking back I'm sure the teacher was stunned, since an elementary school teacher probably never thought they would have to deal with that. I'm very thankful my 5th grade teacher was a woman, too.
I don't know if it's because I was picked on so much as a kid (all the way up until high school, really), or because my mom is also not a typical woman, but I've never been into the things most girls are. A little background on my mother - she joined the Navy in the early 70's, rode a motorcycle, was a single mom... growing up with that sort of mom was a blessing, because it showed me I could do absolutely anything I wanted and I didn't need to rely on a man. But I can't say it's all a positive. My whole life I've dressed like a boy. Jeans, t-shirt, sneakers. While other girls had Strawberry Shortcake dresses, or My Little Pony t-shirts, I was rockin' G.I. Joe and Rambo. In 7th grade I even played football on the school's team, and not the wussy kicker or QB, I was on the line on both sides of the ball. I only played one season, because I was getting into that "rebellious, idiot teenager" time of my life where I wasted almost every opportunity I had... but that's not the topic at hand...
Now as an adult I still dress like a boy (though I am actually not a lesbian *shock*), I play pro women's football now, and I simply am who I am. I don't care about things like pleasing my man, make-up, kids, cooking, cleaning the house, buying tons of shoes, etc. In my early-20s I admit that I felt guilty for who I am. I spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me, why am I not like other women, why would I rather sit around watching tv shows with dick and fart jokes instead of going out on a shopping spree with the girls... and all that shit.
My answer? Because I don't like those things!
I think now, at 31, I'm finally comfortable just being who I am. No, I am not married, I have no kids and do not ever want kids (my friends' kids are cool, because I don't have to be around them constantly, if you know what I mean), I couldn't tell you if the price of a head of lettuce is higher this week than last, or what happened this week on General Hospital (I like Days of Our Lives, ok? BO AND HOPE BETTER NOT SPLIT UP! :-O)... and I'm ok with all of that.
What matters is that all the things that make me an un-typical woman make me pretty fucking awesome all the same. Because of being bi-polar (mostly) I don't often have a high opinion of myself. A lot of the time I think I suck pretty hard and not in the good way, but underneath that there's also a small part of me that knows what a great woman I am. Sure, I may be fat, but I'm pretty healthy and am working on being even healthier, even if I don't lose much weight. Sure, I may have short hair, but it's comfortable and easy to deal with, though I'm actually growing it out, but growing ones hair out from a mohawk takes quite awhile. Sure, I may not look very feminine, I have most German heritage and I kinda resemble those female Olympic power lifters more than I do Heidi Klum, but even if I got some drastic plastic surgery, my body frame will never allow me to look like that. What does make me awesome is that fact that I am unapologetically myself. You always know where you stand with me. I'm a loyal friend to the end, even to a fault. I will always help my friends, always. I'm quite introverted, but with those I trust I will bare my soul, I just ask they aren't afraid to do the same in return. I'm a very smart woman, even when I doubt myself for doing something stupid. If I weren't intelligent I wouldn't be where I am today, a hop, skip, and a jump from Grad school with Professors I respect assuring me I will get accepted.
I like me for me, cause I am NOT what every other woman in America is (and I can only judge myself against other American women on this one). I care about more than the gorgeous, rich hubby, the 2.5 kids, the McMansion, mani's and pedi's and martini's, doing 60 minutes on the eliptical or Pilates, what time the kids get out of soccer practice, hubby buying me a brand new Escalade and all those other things that just don't matter to me. (Note: I am also not saying these things are bad or wrong, they're just not *me*. But if someone would like to buy me even a used Escalade, that would rock!)
So much of American society tells me I should care about all of these things, that without them I am not a real woman. Then I realize I am so much more of a real woman than anyone cares to take note of, because I have brought myself above all of the superficial and artificial things so many people rely on.
The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm