There’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love, but when they say "give" they mean "take."

[momnapplepie]

Who: hogsphonelines, momnapplepie
What: A conversation after Elicia falls asleep
When: BACKDATED to the night of Maes' return, November 10th
Where: Their living room
Summary: Sometimes, love isn't simple.
Rating: PG

Comments

[momnapplepie]

She can feel his touch through her robe and gown, warm and familiar. He'd done as much countless times. It made her want to step close and melt into him. He'd always had the ability to slip past all her defenses. She knew that he would again, she could see him working at it as surely as she could make out the flecks of green in his eyes, but this time she wondered if she should keep resisting: she was scared of what he'd find once he was there in the barren, aching places of her heart.

Her grip flexes on the sofa once more before she releases it and moves to the side, the new position not moving away from him, but encourages his hand to either shift to her hip or - hopefully - drop while enabling her to face him. "It's been a full day."

Her hand flexes with the desire to reach up and smooth some of his hair away from his forehead, with the desire to touch him and her self-control lasts all of a heartbeat before she does just that, moving a few strands to the side as she studies his face, reinforcing the etching on her memory. Her hand drops to rest lightly over his heart. "I can't tell you..." She stops, swallows the depth and strength of her emotions, and somehow manages to continue in a calm tone, though her eyes still give her away, "...how good it is to see you."

[momnapplepie]

Every word is a battering ram against her heart and Gracia closes her eyes for a moment. Her hand curls under his, grabbing onto his shirt. Even as she takes steps to remain composed, she only wants to hold on to him more tightly. She never wants to have to say goodbye to him again. However the simple inevitability of that, how helpless they are against him staying or going and against what has already happened caution her, not against trust, because she will always trust him, but against openness, against accepting him fully.

"I know that you would have never left us if you had a choice." The use of the plural there is unconscious, even as it both distances herself from his claim and includes the child who is always on her mind and in her heart. "We always knew how much you loved us."

She opens her eyes, blinks back tears. "You made very certain of that."

[momnapplepie]

Oh, don't - don't do that. She always felt so very safe in his arms. And now all she can feel as he embraces her is a raw fear, as though he'll be swept away again at any moment. She shudders lightly in his arms, knowing, knowing that he'll be destroyed in ways she can't put back together if she cracks now, if she breaks under the pressure of this happiness and pain. Before he'd had months and months to get used to the idea of being alive. Now he was coming just from leaving them, and how difficult this must be for him to face them and see the devastation his leaving had left in its wake.

She won't show it to him. She refuses to hurt him that badly. Maybe, slowly, she'll be able to let him into those places of her heart again. But not now, not tonight. Tonight she has to guard both of them.

"I love you too." He should never doubt that, that he always has a place here, with them, in her heart no matter how many times he's forced to leave. She lightly wraps her other arm around his waist. "Always."

[momnapplepie]

His tenderness threatens to undo her composure. She wants to curl into his chest and cry I missed you so much, she wants to reach up and kiss him until they're both gasping for breath and senseless, she wants to shove him away and yell Don't you ever do this again. Do you know what we went through? She does none of these things.

It's a strange process of enduring and storing up each sense of him holding her, the warmth of him pressed against her, the familiar way their bodies fit, the stroke of his hand on her hair... and when Gracia can no longer handle the strain, she straightens and pushes lightly against his chest with her hand, dropping her other arm and moving to lean back. "It's another chance to be together."

She leans her head back further, to better distance herself and meet his gaze. "But you should see if you can sleep. There will be a lot of people coming to see you tomorrow."

Just like that afternoon, this is an attempt to Do What's Best... but keep him from looking at her too closely. There's so much that they need to talk about, even if just about the months they had been together here, but... she's not sure if he's ready, or if she would be able to do it without cracking.

[momnapplepie]

Her gaze drops to their joined hands, and she shifts a little to interlock their fingers in a reassurance she's not sure which of them needs more. She is not ready for the easy intimacy of going back and going to bed with him, despite Elicia's presence between them.

"I don't think I could sleep." She doesn't look up at him, afraid he'd be able to read how lost she feels on her face. She should let go now, and start to direct him back to the bedroom if she wants to continue to protect both of them. But Gracia lingers, holding his hand an instant or so too long.

[momnapplepie]

...she's not really sure what to do with that. Should she insist that he go get some rest? Or should she try and take him up on it? Will she be able to keep her distance if he stays? It would be better if she made him go, safer, with much less of a chance of causing them pain... and much less of a chance of causing them joy.

No more regrets. They needed this too. She looks up at him and smiles softly. "You can sit with me on the couch for a little while, if you like."

[momnapplepie]

She allows him to lead her to the sofa, following not too far behind as they travel around it. She even allows their fingers to remain interlocked instead of withdrawing her hand when they move to sit. Besides, this way, she'll have plenty of room between them.

Softly, "You must be tired. I'd imagine today was pretty confusing for you."

[momnapplepie]

She glances to the side, eyeing his profile for a moment before smiling softly. "It does sound a little crazy." But she squeezes his hand for a moment after that, because it's this kind of crazy that she always loved about him. "It's all right if it takes you a little while to get used to it. It took me a while when I first arrived."