Some real thoughts.
I never thought it would be so hard to explain why I wanna be trans. I tossed the idea at Dave and Christian, all I was told was that I make a hot girl, that I have nice tits I shouldn't get rid of, and that I wouldn't look good with a penis. It was also ssaid that I'm doing it for attention. Har har. I felt the kind of indignation that I used to feel when people told me(or still tell me) that I can't do anything because of my gender. It makes me so mad!! I still have warm feelings toward Howell though, because I don't think he really cares about all the shit that went down with everybody else. Much love for that.
I'm feeling more and more sure that I want to be a guy. I don't think I'd ever be able to become a "complete" guy, but I think if I transitioned, I could become a complete me. Even the way I think is changing. I'm not forcing myself to be anything, so I'm just slipping into old habits, like my lopsided grin I had before cheerleading and a more natural walk. I feel awkward asI'm trying to unlearn all the gender cues that signify being a "woman", like the voice lilting up at the end of a statement, excessive hand gesturing. I'm also relearning how to slouch while walking and standing. It feels weird and it's not good for me, but I need to hide my chest. I hate it. I hate the way that I hate a part of myself. I hate that it makes me hate myself a little. I look in the mirror and all I see is some body that best belongs in so porn, not on a real person. It makes me feel digusted. If stabbing myself in the chest would get rid of my breasts, I would do it.
There are very few times when I've felt truly beautiful. I know that I'm percieved as hot, and that gives me power. I know that my physical self has a bit of power over people, and I've used in in the past. I know I'm perceived as "cute". I've used that too. It was a lot of fun, but that's it. In retrospect, it's even more of an act than I thought it was.
I've always thought that with different people you use different selves. With certain friends, you act this way. With other friends, you act that way. With your parents, you act another way, and so on. I suppose it's true. All those parts are supposed to come together and be who the person really is. I've never really felt that way. I've always observed people first and then acted in the way that I thought would get the best reaction out of them, acted in a way that they would want me to be. Sure, some of me may have come out, more in some situations and with certain people, but I feel that for the most part I was a big fake. It took a lot to jolt me out of this, but I still do it a little. I'm so used to it that I don't even know who my real self is. I just keep giving the obligatory smiles and nods.
I'm not depressed or anything, not like I used to be. I just don't know how to be. I've made so many fake me's that I don't know how I really feel about a lot of things. So for now, all I can do it not do anything at all until I figure it out. I've gotta figure who I am. I'm gonna be almost entireliy different, but I don't care. I'm not "changing". I'm becoming who I was supposed to be in the first place. Maybe that happens to be a man. I don't know.
I'm feeling more and more sure that I want to be a guy. I don't think I'd ever be able to become a "complete" guy, but I think if I transitioned, I could become a complete me. Even the way I think is changing. I'm not forcing myself to be anything, so I'm just slipping into old habits, like my lopsided grin I had before cheerleading and a more natural walk. I feel awkward asI'm trying to unlearn all the gender cues that signify being a "woman", like the voice lilting up at the end of a statement, excessive hand gesturing. I'm also relearning how to slouch while walking and standing. It feels weird and it's not good for me, but I need to hide my chest. I hate it. I hate the way that I hate a part of myself. I hate that it makes me hate myself a little. I look in the mirror and all I see is some body that best belongs in so porn, not on a real person. It makes me feel digusted. If stabbing myself in the chest would get rid of my breasts, I would do it.
There are very few times when I've felt truly beautiful. I know that I'm percieved as hot, and that gives me power. I know that my physical self has a bit of power over people, and I've used in in the past. I know I'm perceived as "cute". I've used that too. It was a lot of fun, but that's it. In retrospect, it's even more of an act than I thought it was.
I've always thought that with different people you use different selves. With certain friends, you act this way. With other friends, you act that way. With your parents, you act another way, and so on. I suppose it's true. All those parts are supposed to come together and be who the person really is. I've never really felt that way. I've always observed people first and then acted in the way that I thought would get the best reaction out of them, acted in a way that they would want me to be. Sure, some of me may have come out, more in some situations and with certain people, but I feel that for the most part I was a big fake. It took a lot to jolt me out of this, but I still do it a little. I'm so used to it that I don't even know who my real self is. I just keep giving the obligatory smiles and nods.
I'm not depressed or anything, not like I used to be. I just don't know how to be. I've made so many fake me's that I don't know how I really feel about a lot of things. So for now, all I can do it not do anything at all until I figure it out. I've gotta figure who I am. I'm gonna be almost entireliy different, but I don't care. I'm not "changing". I'm becoming who I was supposed to be in the first place. Maybe that happens to be a man. I don't know.