(no subject)
Right now I feel like I am just stuck. I met with my dietician up here yesterday and my mom had called her to ask her to weigh me whenever we met. She said she was unaware that I had lost some weight. Well she asked me all the normal stuff, like, 'how is eating going?' 'are you doing your snacks?' and that kind of stuff. Well we were talking and then she got onto the topic of us weighing and my weight. Like what I percieve my weight as, what I like or dislike, etc. Then she said that as long as I was maintaing that she was ok with that. Well, she weighed me (but she didn't make me take off my shoes, which come on--thats just a given) and I was at 111.75. Which is up from when my mom weighed me (110.1) When I told my mom this, she was of course happy cause she thought that I had gained, but I have had enough nutrion classes and stuff to know that 1-it could be the differences of the scales, 2-it could have been the time of day, 3-it could have been what i was wearing (shoes, jeans, belt, etc.) 3-If i had been to the bathroom recently or not. Last time I went home my dietician and therapist where freaking out because I was at 112, so now if I go home and weigh less than that meeting with them is just going to be miserable. I just don't know what to do because, I know the people I see at home are more experienced with this kind of situation, and I know what the people at Remuda would say--the same thing that my therapist and dietician at home are saying. I told my dietician up here some of the things I had eaten so far that day and what I had for dinner the night before, and she said it was fine. Which I mean it is fine, but she doesn't know what my eating disorder was like. She doesn't know that I ate both lunch and dinner and that it was real food--other than lettuce or carrots or whatever the sterotypical anorexic eats. She made a comment too, well as long as you're eating thats good. I was like, well I was eating before!!! It is just really frustrating, because I feel like I have to skip at least one of my snacks, if not more. And I still feel like I have all these rules and regulations surrounding food. I just want to be normal and eat whatever when I am hungry and stop when i'm full. I wish that I didn't use the controlling of my food to change a part of me that I know that I can change rather than actually looking at my shyness and quietness and changing the real problem instead. I just want to be able to love and accept myself. And it seems like if there is at least one aspect of me that I think is really good (ex body/weight) or better than other peoples then I will have that self acceptance. What I really just need to work on is the inside, and right now I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to change who I am, and it is too hard sometimes to push myself.