[World Trigger] fic: Doorway (oneshot)
I reread all of World Trigger from the beginning and finished watching the last part of the anime in my canon review. Have to say I still adore the series a lot, and I'm glad it's back from hiatus! Wishing the mangaka the best of health.
Title: Doorway
Fandom: World Trigger
Words: 3,511
Summary: Everyone thinks Arashiyama Jun has a dog. But he doesn't. Not really.
Notes: Written for Puimoo for
yuletide 2018. Tachikawa/Arashiyama. Petshop of Horrors!AU, but explained using World Trigger terms. Contains self harm typical of Petshop of Horrors for contract violation.
Doorway
"I didn't know you have a dog!" Ken says one day, completely out of the blue.
Jun freezes, wondering what has given him away, but by the time he turns, he has a smile on his face when he says, "You like dogs?" Even while he speaks, his mind is working fast, trying to grasp if this is it for him, or if the situation is still salvageable. Just how does Ken know? Does he actually know?
Ken nods. "They're awesome! If I had one, I'd name it Dog."
"Just Dog?" Jun asks teasingly, even though on the inside, he's panicking like there's no tomorrow. "That's sad. Poor dog."
Ken snorts and waves his hand in the air. "It's a fine name! Just like that hunting dog in Duck Hunt!"
"So you want to be laughed at, is what you're saying," Jun says, forcing himself to chuckle. Ken doesn't notice anything wrong, merely protesting the claim that he wants to be laughed at by a dog. What he's envisioning is nothing like that!
Jun doesn't really hear the rest of Ken's ramblings, still stuck on the fact that Ken knows about the "dog." Ken continues to ramble, something about having a dog by his side making his double sniping even cooler, until Jun can't take it anymore and blurts, "How do you know I have a dog?"
Ken stops mid sentence. "Huh? Oh, saw you buying a dog bed." His answer is nonchalant, even accompanied by a shrug.
The dog bed, of all things. Jun shouldn't have given in and bought it.
Jun forces himself to relax. It doesn't sound like Ken knows anything more than that. Although Ken then starts asking him questions about the size of the dog, as surely it must be a huge dog given the size of the dog bed Jun purchased, Jun doesn't find it as worrying anymore.
Until Ken turns his cell phone around and shows Jun just "how" he saw him buying a dog bed.
There on the screen is a photo of Jun at the pet store, posted by a user on Border's forums, to much squealing if the replies in that thread are any indication. A quick glance shows plenty of comments about the cuteness, and also some wondering about what kind of dog he has.
Jun wishes he could scream, but he just chuckles weakly when Ken complains that it's not fair that Jun is so popular and is even adding to his charm with a pet. So unfair!
By afternoon, everyone knows that Arashiyama Jun has a dog. At least, that's what it feels like to Jun. He can't turn anywhere without someone asking after his dog.
The attention makes his skin crawl, when he usually has no trouble with the spotlight. A natural, some would say, but it's only because he has never feared attention. What he fears is something else entirely-his family getting hurt.
He can't help but clench his hands, his nails digging into his palms, in a pitiful attempt to keep the hysteria at bay. He can weather this. He has to. He must.
His palms smart from pain. He tries to relax his fingers. He takes a deep breath.
Back in their operation room, there is no respite either. Ayatsuji asks him, "Girl or boy?"
"What?" is all Jun can manage.
Ayatsuji laughs. "Your dog! Girl or boy?"
"Boy," Jun eventually says.
Mitsuru doesn't even pause in tidying up the table-to him and everyone else, the subject is obviously not a big deal-as he asks him, "Name?"
Jun's mouth is dry. He should make up an answer. He really should. But he finds himself answering, "Nii-chan."
To the side, Ken laughs and says, "How is that any better than Dog?"
Kitora shakes her head. "Those are both terrible names."
"What would you name a dog then?" Ken asks her.
She sniffs and says, "Kuro, of course."
Ken laughs. "That's not any better! Let me guess, you want a black dog?" At the flush on Kitora's face, Ken then continues, "How did I ever guess? I'm a genius!"
Jun manages a smile at their antics and helps Mitsuru tidy up. When he feels like he can finally speak again, he says, "I'll take Nii-chan any day over Dog and Kuro."
It goes without saying that the reporters are all over this tidbit of the Arashiyama Jun owning a dog. At their next interview for a magazine spread detailing information about joining Border, with mini profiles for each of the members of the Arashiyama Unit accompanying the spread, the interviewers are only too eager to ask Jun about his dog.
He doesn't answer right away, trying to relax his hands so his nails don't dig into his palms again. The red crescents against his skin haven't faded just yet, though they soon will. He is only too glad that they're not visible when he's in his trion body, and he is usually in his trion body when he's at HQ or on the job, or there'd be questions.
Ken cuts in, happy to enlighten everyone. "He has a big dog. A boy! The name is-"
Jun elbows Ken before he can say more. It's one thing to tell his team. It's a whole different story telling the world. He can't. That's inviting danger.
So, he takes over, telling them how much his dog loves his family, trying to mitigate the damage as much as possible. If he gives them something to write about first, they'll stop digging around where he doesn't want them to. They must.
"He'll never hesitate to protect his family," Jun says after considering what he can say.
The interviewer gives an "awww" and asks, "Even from neighbors?"
Jun has a hand over his heart as he looks at the interviewer, almost like a pledge. "Yes, even from neighbors. From all danger, basically."
It's all over the Border website and now the magazines that Arashiyama Jun has a dog. Pretty soon, Jun knows they'll also mention it on TV. The Arashiyama Unit is the face of Border, and as such, they are pretty much celebrities, who have little privacy to themselves.
If not for the subject of what's being spread, Jun would not mind, as a bit of levity in the face of daily fear of invasions and kidnappings is something to be treasured. But when the subject threatens the safety of his family and his very existence, Jun cannot help feeling his skin crawling.
This time, he scratches at his forearm, trying to rid himself of the itch.
It doesn't help.
At least the sleeves of his jacket hide the scratches.
When he returns home, Fuku looks up from his cell phone and asks with a confused expression, "Nii-chan, you have a dog? We have a dog?" Jun's little brother looks around the house with curiosity, but there is of course no dog in sight that Fuku can see.
Jun can't let anyone know, not even his little brother or sister. It might be time to move out to prevent that from happening, but how then is he supposed to protect them if he's not with them?
"Nah," he answers. He can lie and say that the dog is at Border, but if Fuku ever learns that his brother lied to him, he'll feel betrayed, and Jun never wants to hurt his little brother for any reason. He won't. He can't. So he doesn't lie. "I don't have a dog. They made a mistake."
That's technically the truth. He isn't the one who has a dog.
Fuku frowns. "Why didn't you tell them?"
Jun just smiles and ruffles Fuku's hair, prompting a scowl. "Sometimes, we just need some lightheartedness in our lives."
He then changes the subject and asks while looking around the room, "Where's Saho?"
"Still at volleyball practice," Fuku answers while trying to fix his hair.
Jun gasps in mock surprise. "Tell me you didn't."
"Didn't what?" Fuku asks in suspicion.
"Skip practice! Don't you usually walk home together with Saho?"
"She has joint practice today! They're going to take forever! She told me to go home first. I didn't skip practice!" Fuku's face is red by now, and he crosses his arms, turning his head to the side.
Jun laughs. His little brother is just so cute, and Jun has successfully distracted him from the previous topic.
Once in his own room, Jun locks the door behind him. He checks that his curtains are closed before he pads over to the closet, opens the door, and brings out the dog bed that has caused so much commotion.
As the face of Border, he can't even buy a dog bed without everyone making a huge fuss over it. Yet, he has to buy one, for the sake of his sanity.
He sighs and places the dog bed on the floor.
Then, he leans down and crawls on top of the dog bed, circling twice and curling around himself before he settles down. From here, he can see the family photo that's propped up on his bedside table.
In the photo, Dad and Mom are on the left, holding each other and grinning at the camera. A much younger Fuku is trying to hide from view, with Saho pulling on his arm to get him to stop hiding. Grandma is to the right, a bright smile on her face, and next to her is Grandpa, who is patting a happy black dog with green eyes next to him.
He wishes Grandpa were still with them.
He'd know what to do. Grandpa always knew what to do. He was the one who gave Jun a home and a name. Jun is supposed to protect and love his family in Grandpa's place now that he's gone, but he can't help remembering how he was almost too late to save Saho and Fuku when their school was attacked. If not for Mikumo, his little siblings could have been hurt or even worse, killed. Nightmares of what ifs have been keeping him awake for much too long.
He sighs, sinking into the softness of the dog bed, hoping that the comfort of his new bed will keep the nightmares at bay. By now, he's willing to try anything if he can just stop seeing Fuku and Saho dying, night after night.
It doesn't help.
Jun whines in his sleep, twisting and turning.
"Aren't you a sad-looking pup?" someone murmurs. Below the person's feet are bodies-Fuku and Saho and Mom and Dad and-no, this isn't real! This isn't how it happened.
"Can you stand?" the voice murmurs again. Jun latches onto the voice. It's so familiar, so very familiar. It's not a voice that would belong to someone who would carelessly trample over the bodies of his loved ones. This is the one who welcomed him home, who loved him like family, who was his family.
"I'll sign the damn contract," Grandpa tells someone to the side. "So hand him over already. I'll give him all the love in the world."
Jun feels the waking world calling for him. He whines. He doesn't want to wake up. Not yet.
Grandpa, Jun thinks to himself. Grandpa, I miss you. Don't go. Don't leave me. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.
Jun wakes up.
There are three rules Jun must follow, always, if he wishes to be part of this family with none the wiser. Grandpa drilled it into him when he was alive. He is never to let anyone find out his true identity. He must love only his family and no others. He must protect his family.
They are written into his very soul, the core of his existence. He tore into his arms and legs when Grandpa passed away, a failure on his part to protect his family, the sorrow and guilt too much for him to keep under control, though there is nothing he could have done in the face of illness. He tells himself there's nothing he could have done, but even then, he knows it's his fault. He is why Grandpa died. Why isn't he the one dead? Why is Grandpa the one to die? Why, when Jun was the one who...
It's not until Fuku wails so loudly from Mom's arms in the room over that Jun wakes from his despair and latches onto the fact that he still has his siblings to protect and love, even more than ever now that Grandpa is gone. Every wail of his little brother's pierces him in the heart. It hurts so much that he can't help but whine, sharp nails digging into his skin.
Fuku, Nii-chan is here. Please, please don't cry.
For them, Jun will keep on living. He must. Grandpa is gone, but somehow, Jun is still here.
He joins Border. Anything to keep his siblings safe. Even from himself. The majority of Border hates neighbors, after all. They'll keep his siblings safe.
"You look like shit," Tachikawa tells Jun as they're heading out from HQ to the university.
Jun manages a wane smile, wishing he hasn't deactivated his trion body, but there's no reason for him to still have his trigger on while attending university. But it would have hidden the dark circles under his eyes, as well as the long gashes along his arms. The thought makes Jun pull on his sleeves.
All of a sudden, Tachikawa grabs his hands and yanks the sleeves up. He has never had any tact. Jun growls and bares his teeth, but it's too late.
"What the hell are these?" Tachikawa demands, thankfully too focused on the gashes to pay attention to Jun's growling or his strangely sharp teeth.
Jun pulls his hands away and mutters, "They're from my dog."
Tachikawa just gives him a look. "That's some vicious dog."
"Yeah," Jun agrees.
He can certainly be quite vicious to himself.
Jun expects Tachikawa to drop it, but he doesn't, not really. He shows up in Jun's classes even though they have completely separate schedules, and he tags along to lunch, or more like, he drags Jun to lunch. They have udon, of course. Tachikawa always picks udon.
The chatter is not entirely unpleasant, but Jun can't really muster any interest in conversing. He's just waiting for Tachikawa to ask him more questions, for the inane chatter to turn into an interrogation.
It doesn't.
For that, Jun is grateful.
It sort of becomes a tradition, hanging out while they're at the university. Jun even picks where they eat sometimes. As long as it's not udon, Jun is fine with it. He likes some variety, after all. Tachikawa may be able to survive solely on udon, but Jun can't.
Jun even begins tutoring Tachikawa, helping him with his English. They spend a lot of time together outside of their Border duties. It makes Jun feel almost human. He nearly forgets that he's not.
He invites Tachikawa over to his place to study without really thinking it through. It's too late by the time Tachikawa is inside his room, looking over it with interest. Jun stops at the doorway, struck with the sudden realization that he might love this man too, when he's only supposed to love his family. He guarded himself against this with his team, always thinking of them as coworkers and nothing more than that, even though what he really wants is to tear away the walls between them and lean against them. How has he overlooked this? How could he have let Tachikawa Kei slip through so easily?
He grips at his chest and heaves. He can feel the need to tear. The closest target is Tachikawa, but Jun can't harm him. The code that governs him is going haywire from his inaction at eliminating the threat. He was created to love his family only. Loving another means he has strayed from his duty. Jun's mind is whirling, grasping at a solution, only for everything to slip through his hands.
"Hey, you still there?" Tachikawa says and approaches.
No, go away! Jun growls. I don't want to hurt you too!
Like how he hurt Grandpa, slamming him against the wall with too much strength just because Grandpa made Fuku cry. The impact didn't kill him, but his weakened immune system made him susceptible to the common cold. In the end, it was still Jun's fault, even though Grandpa never blamed him, not even on his deathbed.
Tachikawa though, Tachikawa is strong. His position of number one certainly isn't for show. He can cut down any and all neighbors before him, even a trion soldier like Jun.
Jun relaxes at that thought and quirks a smile. It's not love, he convinces himself. It's a safeguard.
Still, he asks, "Will you marry me?"
"What the hell?" Tachikawa says with a laugh.
After all, if they're family, Jun won't have to kill Tachikawa. Even better, Tachikawa can keep Jun in line.
Later, when they're curled up together on the bed, tutoring completely forgotten, Tachikawa mutters, "So where's the dog?"
"I don't have a dog," Jun says but tenses, not wanting to get into this topic.
"You have a dog bed," Tachikawa points out, jerking his thumb to indicate the dog bed on the floor. It's that damn dog bed again, the one that started this whole mess. Jun really should have put it away before inviting Tachikawa over. Then again, he really should have thought it through before inviting Tachikawa over in the first place, but he can't say he regrets it. He doesn't.
"It's for me," Jun says truthfully but winces. He never lies to family, future family or not, but in this case, he's once again inviting danger by telling what he can of the truth. If he gives his identity away, family or not, there's no salvaging that. "People just assumed."
At that, Tachikawa laughs so much that he buries his head against Jun, making Jun's heart leap. Jun leans down and nudges him back. Tachikawa's breath tickles when he says, "That's gotta be the strangest hobby I've ever heard about. No wonder you couldn't clarify. Imagine that. The face of Border, all curled up in a dog bed."
Thankfully, Tachikawa, although quite observant in some cases, can be very obtuse with other matters. He doesn't even come close to guessing the real reason Jun has a dog bed and just assumes it to be a weird hobby. Jun can always depend on Tachikawa to be a little stupid. He's endearing in that way. Jun chuckles and teases, "I'll even let you buy me a collar."
Tachikawa runs a hand across Jun's unblemished arm. Jun shivers at the touch. The gashes have long healed by now, and Jun hasn't felt a need to scratch lately, not until that moment at the door to his room. It was the threshold of a completely unexpected realization, the doorway to a new beginning. For once, he saw hope, something all too frightening, too unfamiliar, too exciting.
"If I put a leash on you, will you stop hurting yourself?" Tachikawa murmurs. Now that Jun has clarified that he doesn't have a dog, there's no excuse. If only Tachikawa could be stupid with stuff like this too. "Will you stop throwing yourself into danger? Don't think I haven't noticed how you always get hurt during missions."
"I..." Jun opens his mouth. Has he really been so reckless during missions?
"I'm not trying to hurt myself," Jun whispers.
"Then what?" Tachikawa is relentless.
"I'm just expendable," Jun says. He's not actually human, no matter what his current appearance suggests. It's better that he gets hurt than anyone else. Though he wishes to protect his family, the sad fact is that he's the most dangerous one to his family when it all comes down to it. He hurt Grandpa just because Fuku was crying. He can't even imagine what else he might do because of the rules that govern him.
"You're not," Tachikawa argues. "I'm sad when you're hurt. Your little sis and little bro would be too. And your teammates. All of Border. And all your fans."
Jun gives a small nod. He doesn't know when it happened, but he has touched the lives of so many. Maybe, his definition of family has been too narrow. Aren't his teammates like family too? He was willing to tell them the truth of his name, when he wanted to tell no one else. That means something. He can admit now that he treasures them. Perhaps they too, treasure him in return.
And he knows without a doubt that Fuku and Saho would sob their hearts out if anything happens to him, and Jun can't ever hurt them, so Jun can only answer, "I'll try."
"That's all I ask," Tachikawa says.
At the very least, Jun feels completely safe here in the arms of his would be executioner.
So, Jun lets himself smile. This time, he falls asleep soundly, and no nightmares plague his dreams.
the end
This entry was originally posted at https://lucathia.dreamwidth.org/359620.html. You can comment here or there.
Title: Doorway
Fandom: World Trigger
Words: 3,511
Summary: Everyone thinks Arashiyama Jun has a dog. But he doesn't. Not really.
Notes: Written for Puimoo for
yuletide 2018. Tachikawa/Arashiyama. Petshop of Horrors!AU, but explained using World Trigger terms. Contains self harm typical of Petshop of Horrors for contract violation.
Doorway
"I didn't know you have a dog!" Ken says one day, completely out of the blue.
Jun freezes, wondering what has given him away, but by the time he turns, he has a smile on his face when he says, "You like dogs?" Even while he speaks, his mind is working fast, trying to grasp if this is it for him, or if the situation is still salvageable. Just how does Ken know? Does he actually know?
Ken nods. "They're awesome! If I had one, I'd name it Dog."
"Just Dog?" Jun asks teasingly, even though on the inside, he's panicking like there's no tomorrow. "That's sad. Poor dog."
Ken snorts and waves his hand in the air. "It's a fine name! Just like that hunting dog in Duck Hunt!"
"So you want to be laughed at, is what you're saying," Jun says, forcing himself to chuckle. Ken doesn't notice anything wrong, merely protesting the claim that he wants to be laughed at by a dog. What he's envisioning is nothing like that!
Jun doesn't really hear the rest of Ken's ramblings, still stuck on the fact that Ken knows about the "dog." Ken continues to ramble, something about having a dog by his side making his double sniping even cooler, until Jun can't take it anymore and blurts, "How do you know I have a dog?"
Ken stops mid sentence. "Huh? Oh, saw you buying a dog bed." His answer is nonchalant, even accompanied by a shrug.
The dog bed, of all things. Jun shouldn't have given in and bought it.
Jun forces himself to relax. It doesn't sound like Ken knows anything more than that. Although Ken then starts asking him questions about the size of the dog, as surely it must be a huge dog given the size of the dog bed Jun purchased, Jun doesn't find it as worrying anymore.
Until Ken turns his cell phone around and shows Jun just "how" he saw him buying a dog bed.
There on the screen is a photo of Jun at the pet store, posted by a user on Border's forums, to much squealing if the replies in that thread are any indication. A quick glance shows plenty of comments about the cuteness, and also some wondering about what kind of dog he has.
Jun wishes he could scream, but he just chuckles weakly when Ken complains that it's not fair that Jun is so popular and is even adding to his charm with a pet. So unfair!
By afternoon, everyone knows that Arashiyama Jun has a dog. At least, that's what it feels like to Jun. He can't turn anywhere without someone asking after his dog.
The attention makes his skin crawl, when he usually has no trouble with the spotlight. A natural, some would say, but it's only because he has never feared attention. What he fears is something else entirely-his family getting hurt.
He can't help but clench his hands, his nails digging into his palms, in a pitiful attempt to keep the hysteria at bay. He can weather this. He has to. He must.
His palms smart from pain. He tries to relax his fingers. He takes a deep breath.
Back in their operation room, there is no respite either. Ayatsuji asks him, "Girl or boy?"
"What?" is all Jun can manage.
Ayatsuji laughs. "Your dog! Girl or boy?"
"Boy," Jun eventually says.
Mitsuru doesn't even pause in tidying up the table-to him and everyone else, the subject is obviously not a big deal-as he asks him, "Name?"
Jun's mouth is dry. He should make up an answer. He really should. But he finds himself answering, "Nii-chan."
To the side, Ken laughs and says, "How is that any better than Dog?"
Kitora shakes her head. "Those are both terrible names."
"What would you name a dog then?" Ken asks her.
She sniffs and says, "Kuro, of course."
Ken laughs. "That's not any better! Let me guess, you want a black dog?" At the flush on Kitora's face, Ken then continues, "How did I ever guess? I'm a genius!"
Jun manages a smile at their antics and helps Mitsuru tidy up. When he feels like he can finally speak again, he says, "I'll take Nii-chan any day over Dog and Kuro."
It goes without saying that the reporters are all over this tidbit of the Arashiyama Jun owning a dog. At their next interview for a magazine spread detailing information about joining Border, with mini profiles for each of the members of the Arashiyama Unit accompanying the spread, the interviewers are only too eager to ask Jun about his dog.
He doesn't answer right away, trying to relax his hands so his nails don't dig into his palms again. The red crescents against his skin haven't faded just yet, though they soon will. He is only too glad that they're not visible when he's in his trion body, and he is usually in his trion body when he's at HQ or on the job, or there'd be questions.
Ken cuts in, happy to enlighten everyone. "He has a big dog. A boy! The name is-"
Jun elbows Ken before he can say more. It's one thing to tell his team. It's a whole different story telling the world. He can't. That's inviting danger.
So, he takes over, telling them how much his dog loves his family, trying to mitigate the damage as much as possible. If he gives them something to write about first, they'll stop digging around where he doesn't want them to. They must.
"He'll never hesitate to protect his family," Jun says after considering what he can say.
The interviewer gives an "awww" and asks, "Even from neighbors?"
Jun has a hand over his heart as he looks at the interviewer, almost like a pledge. "Yes, even from neighbors. From all danger, basically."
It's all over the Border website and now the magazines that Arashiyama Jun has a dog. Pretty soon, Jun knows they'll also mention it on TV. The Arashiyama Unit is the face of Border, and as such, they are pretty much celebrities, who have little privacy to themselves.
If not for the subject of what's being spread, Jun would not mind, as a bit of levity in the face of daily fear of invasions and kidnappings is something to be treasured. But when the subject threatens the safety of his family and his very existence, Jun cannot help feeling his skin crawling.
This time, he scratches at his forearm, trying to rid himself of the itch.
It doesn't help.
At least the sleeves of his jacket hide the scratches.
When he returns home, Fuku looks up from his cell phone and asks with a confused expression, "Nii-chan, you have a dog? We have a dog?" Jun's little brother looks around the house with curiosity, but there is of course no dog in sight that Fuku can see.
Jun can't let anyone know, not even his little brother or sister. It might be time to move out to prevent that from happening, but how then is he supposed to protect them if he's not with them?
"Nah," he answers. He can lie and say that the dog is at Border, but if Fuku ever learns that his brother lied to him, he'll feel betrayed, and Jun never wants to hurt his little brother for any reason. He won't. He can't. So he doesn't lie. "I don't have a dog. They made a mistake."
That's technically the truth. He isn't the one who has a dog.
Fuku frowns. "Why didn't you tell them?"
Jun just smiles and ruffles Fuku's hair, prompting a scowl. "Sometimes, we just need some lightheartedness in our lives."
He then changes the subject and asks while looking around the room, "Where's Saho?"
"Still at volleyball practice," Fuku answers while trying to fix his hair.
Jun gasps in mock surprise. "Tell me you didn't."
"Didn't what?" Fuku asks in suspicion.
"Skip practice! Don't you usually walk home together with Saho?"
"She has joint practice today! They're going to take forever! She told me to go home first. I didn't skip practice!" Fuku's face is red by now, and he crosses his arms, turning his head to the side.
Jun laughs. His little brother is just so cute, and Jun has successfully distracted him from the previous topic.
Once in his own room, Jun locks the door behind him. He checks that his curtains are closed before he pads over to the closet, opens the door, and brings out the dog bed that has caused so much commotion.
As the face of Border, he can't even buy a dog bed without everyone making a huge fuss over it. Yet, he has to buy one, for the sake of his sanity.
He sighs and places the dog bed on the floor.
Then, he leans down and crawls on top of the dog bed, circling twice and curling around himself before he settles down. From here, he can see the family photo that's propped up on his bedside table.
In the photo, Dad and Mom are on the left, holding each other and grinning at the camera. A much younger Fuku is trying to hide from view, with Saho pulling on his arm to get him to stop hiding. Grandma is to the right, a bright smile on her face, and next to her is Grandpa, who is patting a happy black dog with green eyes next to him.
He wishes Grandpa were still with them.
He'd know what to do. Grandpa always knew what to do. He was the one who gave Jun a home and a name. Jun is supposed to protect and love his family in Grandpa's place now that he's gone, but he can't help remembering how he was almost too late to save Saho and Fuku when their school was attacked. If not for Mikumo, his little siblings could have been hurt or even worse, killed. Nightmares of what ifs have been keeping him awake for much too long.
He sighs, sinking into the softness of the dog bed, hoping that the comfort of his new bed will keep the nightmares at bay. By now, he's willing to try anything if he can just stop seeing Fuku and Saho dying, night after night.
It doesn't help.
Jun whines in his sleep, twisting and turning.
"Aren't you a sad-looking pup?" someone murmurs. Below the person's feet are bodies-Fuku and Saho and Mom and Dad and-no, this isn't real! This isn't how it happened.
"Can you stand?" the voice murmurs again. Jun latches onto the voice. It's so familiar, so very familiar. It's not a voice that would belong to someone who would carelessly trample over the bodies of his loved ones. This is the one who welcomed him home, who loved him like family, who was his family.
"I'll sign the damn contract," Grandpa tells someone to the side. "So hand him over already. I'll give him all the love in the world."
Jun feels the waking world calling for him. He whines. He doesn't want to wake up. Not yet.
Grandpa, Jun thinks to himself. Grandpa, I miss you. Don't go. Don't leave me. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.
Jun wakes up.
There are three rules Jun must follow, always, if he wishes to be part of this family with none the wiser. Grandpa drilled it into him when he was alive. He is never to let anyone find out his true identity. He must love only his family and no others. He must protect his family.
They are written into his very soul, the core of his existence. He tore into his arms and legs when Grandpa passed away, a failure on his part to protect his family, the sorrow and guilt too much for him to keep under control, though there is nothing he could have done in the face of illness. He tells himself there's nothing he could have done, but even then, he knows it's his fault. He is why Grandpa died. Why isn't he the one dead? Why is Grandpa the one to die? Why, when Jun was the one who...
It's not until Fuku wails so loudly from Mom's arms in the room over that Jun wakes from his despair and latches onto the fact that he still has his siblings to protect and love, even more than ever now that Grandpa is gone. Every wail of his little brother's pierces him in the heart. It hurts so much that he can't help but whine, sharp nails digging into his skin.
Fuku, Nii-chan is here. Please, please don't cry.
For them, Jun will keep on living. He must. Grandpa is gone, but somehow, Jun is still here.
He joins Border. Anything to keep his siblings safe. Even from himself. The majority of Border hates neighbors, after all. They'll keep his siblings safe.
"You look like shit," Tachikawa tells Jun as they're heading out from HQ to the university.
Jun manages a wane smile, wishing he hasn't deactivated his trion body, but there's no reason for him to still have his trigger on while attending university. But it would have hidden the dark circles under his eyes, as well as the long gashes along his arms. The thought makes Jun pull on his sleeves.
All of a sudden, Tachikawa grabs his hands and yanks the sleeves up. He has never had any tact. Jun growls and bares his teeth, but it's too late.
"What the hell are these?" Tachikawa demands, thankfully too focused on the gashes to pay attention to Jun's growling or his strangely sharp teeth.
Jun pulls his hands away and mutters, "They're from my dog."
Tachikawa just gives him a look. "That's some vicious dog."
"Yeah," Jun agrees.
He can certainly be quite vicious to himself.
Jun expects Tachikawa to drop it, but he doesn't, not really. He shows up in Jun's classes even though they have completely separate schedules, and he tags along to lunch, or more like, he drags Jun to lunch. They have udon, of course. Tachikawa always picks udon.
The chatter is not entirely unpleasant, but Jun can't really muster any interest in conversing. He's just waiting for Tachikawa to ask him more questions, for the inane chatter to turn into an interrogation.
It doesn't.
For that, Jun is grateful.
It sort of becomes a tradition, hanging out while they're at the university. Jun even picks where they eat sometimes. As long as it's not udon, Jun is fine with it. He likes some variety, after all. Tachikawa may be able to survive solely on udon, but Jun can't.
Jun even begins tutoring Tachikawa, helping him with his English. They spend a lot of time together outside of their Border duties. It makes Jun feel almost human. He nearly forgets that he's not.
He invites Tachikawa over to his place to study without really thinking it through. It's too late by the time Tachikawa is inside his room, looking over it with interest. Jun stops at the doorway, struck with the sudden realization that he might love this man too, when he's only supposed to love his family. He guarded himself against this with his team, always thinking of them as coworkers and nothing more than that, even though what he really wants is to tear away the walls between them and lean against them. How has he overlooked this? How could he have let Tachikawa Kei slip through so easily?
He grips at his chest and heaves. He can feel the need to tear. The closest target is Tachikawa, but Jun can't harm him. The code that governs him is going haywire from his inaction at eliminating the threat. He was created to love his family only. Loving another means he has strayed from his duty. Jun's mind is whirling, grasping at a solution, only for everything to slip through his hands.
"Hey, you still there?" Tachikawa says and approaches.
No, go away! Jun growls. I don't want to hurt you too!
Like how he hurt Grandpa, slamming him against the wall with too much strength just because Grandpa made Fuku cry. The impact didn't kill him, but his weakened immune system made him susceptible to the common cold. In the end, it was still Jun's fault, even though Grandpa never blamed him, not even on his deathbed.
Tachikawa though, Tachikawa is strong. His position of number one certainly isn't for show. He can cut down any and all neighbors before him, even a trion soldier like Jun.
Jun relaxes at that thought and quirks a smile. It's not love, he convinces himself. It's a safeguard.
Still, he asks, "Will you marry me?"
"What the hell?" Tachikawa says with a laugh.
After all, if they're family, Jun won't have to kill Tachikawa. Even better, Tachikawa can keep Jun in line.
Later, when they're curled up together on the bed, tutoring completely forgotten, Tachikawa mutters, "So where's the dog?"
"I don't have a dog," Jun says but tenses, not wanting to get into this topic.
"You have a dog bed," Tachikawa points out, jerking his thumb to indicate the dog bed on the floor. It's that damn dog bed again, the one that started this whole mess. Jun really should have put it away before inviting Tachikawa over. Then again, he really should have thought it through before inviting Tachikawa over in the first place, but he can't say he regrets it. He doesn't.
"It's for me," Jun says truthfully but winces. He never lies to family, future family or not, but in this case, he's once again inviting danger by telling what he can of the truth. If he gives his identity away, family or not, there's no salvaging that. "People just assumed."
At that, Tachikawa laughs so much that he buries his head against Jun, making Jun's heart leap. Jun leans down and nudges him back. Tachikawa's breath tickles when he says, "That's gotta be the strangest hobby I've ever heard about. No wonder you couldn't clarify. Imagine that. The face of Border, all curled up in a dog bed."
Thankfully, Tachikawa, although quite observant in some cases, can be very obtuse with other matters. He doesn't even come close to guessing the real reason Jun has a dog bed and just assumes it to be a weird hobby. Jun can always depend on Tachikawa to be a little stupid. He's endearing in that way. Jun chuckles and teases, "I'll even let you buy me a collar."
Tachikawa runs a hand across Jun's unblemished arm. Jun shivers at the touch. The gashes have long healed by now, and Jun hasn't felt a need to scratch lately, not until that moment at the door to his room. It was the threshold of a completely unexpected realization, the doorway to a new beginning. For once, he saw hope, something all too frightening, too unfamiliar, too exciting.
"If I put a leash on you, will you stop hurting yourself?" Tachikawa murmurs. Now that Jun has clarified that he doesn't have a dog, there's no excuse. If only Tachikawa could be stupid with stuff like this too. "Will you stop throwing yourself into danger? Don't think I haven't noticed how you always get hurt during missions."
"I..." Jun opens his mouth. Has he really been so reckless during missions?
"I'm not trying to hurt myself," Jun whispers.
"Then what?" Tachikawa is relentless.
"I'm just expendable," Jun says. He's not actually human, no matter what his current appearance suggests. It's better that he gets hurt than anyone else. Though he wishes to protect his family, the sad fact is that he's the most dangerous one to his family when it all comes down to it. He hurt Grandpa just because Fuku was crying. He can't even imagine what else he might do because of the rules that govern him.
"You're not," Tachikawa argues. "I'm sad when you're hurt. Your little sis and little bro would be too. And your teammates. All of Border. And all your fans."
Jun gives a small nod. He doesn't know when it happened, but he has touched the lives of so many. Maybe, his definition of family has been too narrow. Aren't his teammates like family too? He was willing to tell them the truth of his name, when he wanted to tell no one else. That means something. He can admit now that he treasures them. Perhaps they too, treasure him in return.
And he knows without a doubt that Fuku and Saho would sob their hearts out if anything happens to him, and Jun can't ever hurt them, so Jun can only answer, "I'll try."
"That's all I ask," Tachikawa says.
At the very least, Jun feels completely safe here in the arms of his would be executioner.
So, Jun lets himself smile. This time, he falls asleep soundly, and no nightmares plague his dreams.
the end
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