moment in time
I did something tonight I haven't done in, about 2 years.
I struck someone in anger. Not really in anger, but in a furious rage stemming from emotional hurt inflicted upon my children and myself. (it was a backhand to the jaw, with my weaker left hand as my right is still in a cast)
(no, I do not believe this was caused by my testosterone therapy)
I found out I'd been lied to, repeatedly over the past month or so. (and I don't know about before then currently) Not only had I been lied to, but so had the innocents who shared our lives, my children. To me, this is the far greater infraction, far greater wound, to lie to children for one's own gain. These weren't "little white lies" but lies about his father being deathly ill, resulting in me guilt tripping my ex for money to get this person to a place halfway across the country at a moment's notice.
I called him a lying bastard, as well as a few other choice phrases. I HATE his actions, and hate the way he caused me to feel.
I am a hopeless sap though as after calming down, I know I do still love him, though I cannot and will not be lied to and lied about again. I cannot have him treating those innocents with callous disregard.
Will I allow him back into my life IF he comes back? I don't know right now. I don't know if he will try, after all, I did strike him.
I know that nothing can or will be salvaged without him getting counselling for the lying, as it seems to be habitual.
My own counselling will come when I speak to my therapist.
I know that striking someone is wrong. I don't excuse it, but I also understand WHY I did it. I wanted him to feel some semblance of the pain he had inflicted upon the kids and that was the only way I could see to do so.
*skulking back to bed, though only to lick the wounds, no sleep will come tonight.
I struck someone in anger. Not really in anger, but in a furious rage stemming from emotional hurt inflicted upon my children and myself. (it was a backhand to the jaw, with my weaker left hand as my right is still in a cast)
(no, I do not believe this was caused by my testosterone therapy)
I found out I'd been lied to, repeatedly over the past month or so. (and I don't know about before then currently) Not only had I been lied to, but so had the innocents who shared our lives, my children. To me, this is the far greater infraction, far greater wound, to lie to children for one's own gain. These weren't "little white lies" but lies about his father being deathly ill, resulting in me guilt tripping my ex for money to get this person to a place halfway across the country at a moment's notice.
I called him a lying bastard, as well as a few other choice phrases. I HATE his actions, and hate the way he caused me to feel.
I am a hopeless sap though as after calming down, I know I do still love him, though I cannot and will not be lied to and lied about again. I cannot have him treating those innocents with callous disregard.
Will I allow him back into my life IF he comes back? I don't know right now. I don't know if he will try, after all, I did strike him.
I know that nothing can or will be salvaged without him getting counselling for the lying, as it seems to be habitual.
My own counselling will come when I speak to my therapist.
I know that striking someone is wrong. I don't excuse it, but I also understand WHY I did it. I wanted him to feel some semblance of the pain he had inflicted upon the kids and that was the only way I could see to do so.
*skulking back to bed, though only to lick the wounds, no sleep will come tonight.