Priorities...
We all have priorities, and these priorities change over time.
For some of us, our priorities are ourselves.
For others, our priorities are those around us.
For even others, our priorities are things, matierial possessions.
For well over a decade, my main priorities in life were my husband and children. I put them before anything else, even to the point of taking care of myself, even eating was always a second priotity to them.
Then, I realised that by putting myself as my LAST priority, I was short changing myself. I was killing myself none too slowly, by refusing to acknowledging that I had needs that deserved to be met.
So, I re-evaluated my priorities. I realised that the husband I had been putting first in my life didn't DESERVE to be a priority, as he had been mentally abusive, emotionally unavailable, and sexually...he had even raped me numerous times in my sleep during our marraige. The facade that he cared for me, was only a shell to cover the true selfishness in the relationship.
I stopped to think about my children. Would making myself a priority in my life be a negative to my children? Would doing what I needed to do be a detriment to them? The answers came, though slowly. Perhaps it might be for a short period of time, but I knew my children better than anyone else, and they would accept me, because they knew just how much I loved them.
So I began to move forward. My children were still tops on my priority list, myself moving out of the basement of that list and into the light, but finding that I still put myself third, as my heart found a new home. A young man from California stole away with my heart, but it wasn't truly stolen, rather given gladly to him.
He became the second priority in my life, coming very close to how I hold my children.
Winter turned to spring, and then began to show signs that summer was on it's way. My intended surgeon for mastectomy told me he would not do the surgery if I was still smoking. Continuing smoking was never an option to me at that point and I quit smoking on 5/30/07.
Summer came and roast us all. Clashes happened frequently between the one who was legally still my husband and myself. Unfortunately the tension spilled over to affect my relationship with my partner. This sweet person who saw me, and sees me, not as a girl becoming a guy, but as a guy.
In spite of these difficulties, we found the ability to sneak away for the weekend, having a commitment ceremony at pridefest. I can't explain how I felt that day, nor how I still feel when I look in his eyes, when I look at the ring I proudly wear upon my left hand. I will be happier about things when I can legally marry him. Not as M & F, but M & M. (no not the candy) I want to be able to tell the world, "This is my husband, and I am his."
I may have gone about things the wrong way, as legally I was (and am) not divorced from that other person.
I was served with a divorce petition on July 26th, one week before my top surgery was scheduled. My 'legal' husband was forcing me to choose between my transition and fighting for my children. There was no choice, my #1 priority was and is, my children.
With the cancellation of my surgery, a new stress came into my mind. The possibility that I might be stuck with these things for a very long time. This did not set well with me to put it lightly.
I finally found a job and started working, focusing on how I could pass as male, focusing on my transition and fighting for my kids. Soon after starting working though, I broke my wrist at home and lost my job because of it. This just added more to the feeling of "I'm going to be stuck like this, and not have my kids."
Unfortunately, one major priority got lost in the shuffle, my partner.
I realised this when we came to our first anniversary, or did so to some extent. I tried to show him how important he was, and is, to me.
I'm not real good at expressing those types of emotions, so buying him a gps device and a day spa certificate in celebration of the anniversary of the day we met were my feeble attempts to say, "You mean the world to me, and I would do anything within my power to make certain you know this and never forget."
Then a tragedy happened, so soon after our anniversary, requiring my partner make an unplanned trip to California. Suddenly there were 1800 miles between us, as there had been a year before.
My stress and frustration at my life and how trapped it seemed, and seems, came to a boiling point. He got the brunt of it. All the distrust caused by insecurities, past betrayals, serious miscommunication, and sheer overwhelming stress - it all was sent at him.
It never should have been.
I now know that I will never again choose to speak to a particular member of his family, as she has shown that she can't tell the difference between myself with a Missouri phone number, and a bastard who is no longer a part of my partner's life with a California number. That is the only time she will call me that 'p' word.
I reacted to things she said in a way I shouldn't have, and sadly, my partner bore the brunt of the pain and anger.
I've apologized to my partner since then, but hope that he understands that this also carries my regret for my actions.
I've more recently talked to my doctor, about getting something for my anxiety/stress, and my inability to sleep.
I'm not above admitting I have problems. I'm not so egotistical to think I can't ask for help.
I've had a chance to re-think my priorities, to re-evaluate my life.
Being #3 in my own life is ok with me.
Lucas