My life sucks...literally. X_X
Ok, this has to be one of the worst days of my life. I know you've probably heard me say this before, but this is for real. If you are reading this now, I just wouldn't even waste your time. This isn't worth reading, this is just a place to vent. I don't expect anyone to be looking at this seeing as how I a.)Never come on here anymore and b.) Haven't commented on a friend's journal in forever (since I haven't been on here). Anyways...here I go talking to myself.
What the fuck was Mom thinking? You know, I don't mind she relays my feelings to the sperm donor I call my father....ok, well he isn't really a sperm donor but whatever...biological shitty ass father. Anyways, I didn't mind today that she relayed my feelings-I mean how else is he gonna find out how I feel about him? It all started when I was like 4. The first time I saw him at my Grandparents' house, I hid from him and he searched all over to find me. I found this quite amusing, as I had never played with him before and proceeded to do this with him the next time I saw him. This time, though, it appears as if the game wasn't amusing to him so he left me outside the whole fucking time he was at my Grandparent's, and I was just hoping he was gonna find me that whole fucking 2 hours. So by the time I got back in I realized he was gone, and I never saw him again.
So the bastard shows up about 8 years later with a half-brother for me. Now hyper as this little kid was, I loved him to death. Then his Mom took him away from our family, claiming our father was a deadbeat and my grandparents were bad influences, and let's not even get into me. ;) Oh yes, the bitch dared go into my grandparents. You know...I may have been unsuitable as my dad was CERTAINLY a deadbeat, but my G-ma and G-pa? HELL NO that bitch was majorly out of line.
So in 2001, my Grandfather died. I just remember the day he died and not being able to put into words how much I loved him...I ran from his bedside into the hall and burst into tears. He died 2 days later and I felt like I had betrayed him, I never had been able to quite tell him I loved him. It was just too much for words, and too awkward with all my family members sitting in the room.
2 weeks later my great grandfather died...leaving my Grandmother and Great grandmother devastated. In the next period of 10 months, 10 other people on my Dad's side of the family passed away from various causes...leaving my grandmother and great grandmother greatly depressed. My Mom even warned me that they could get sick, and something could happen to them. So I spent a lot of time with them, just trying to help them bear the burden...as well as grieve for my grandfather by myself. Then, in the 12th month, a member on my mom's side passed away-my great grandmother. She had alzheimers and so she hadn't really been "with" us for a while...but she was still part of my family. And I miss singing rudolph the red nosed reindeer about 10 times every xmas with her and the rest of my family.
So back to the dad story, x_x. My Dad shows up with his new GFs and their new sons and also informs me that he is trying to win back custody of my half brother. He saw how much my grandfather wanted it before he died, and part of me thinks he wants to make sure my grandmother and the rest of my family get to see him ...it'd mean so much to all of us. So he starts coming around more, trying to be my Dad. Child support flows in for the first time in my life (despite the court order) and he starts talking to me and trying to arrange times to see my when I went out to my G-ma's. This is a start. I mean, I know he just wants access to me so I'll say he's a good dad in court, but you know...the feeling is nice. :) And sometimes I feel like he actually DOES care.
So today, my mom yells at him...I went to the hip doctor who told me I was great and never had to see him again unless I have problems again. (I was thinking, "dude...you're not the kind of help I need. -_-") But yeah, and my dad was supposed to be there but he never showed or called. So my mom called and chewed the ass out...much to my dismay. When she chews him out-she yells at him and then brings me into it (she tries to make sure he knows how much he's hurt me) and how I feel. I tell her things, but I never quite know how to put my feelings for him into words. Well anyways...she ended up telling him that he was a shit dad and he never does anything for me. And after she told me this, I asked her why she had to go screw everything up like that. Now that he hears that, he'll be calling 24/7 wanting to talk. And last time she did something like this, (which was well deserved and more on the dot of how I felt) He gave me a long talk and asked me if I felt like that really and all this stuff. You know...I just couldn't say yes. x_x So anyways, I know that next weekend, when my mom goes out of town and I'm going to my grandma's, I'll most likely be questioned by my grandma and dad. Then I'll mostly be dragged out to do shit with him.
Here's my thing about what my mom said: When it comes to my Dad, I really don't give a fuck. I'm sorry, but if the asshole's gonna desert me like that-then he doesn't deserve me...fucked up as I may be. The only thing I need from him is the child support he owes my mom-which is worth over 60,000 dollars. Everything else that he's lacking in, my mom makes up for. She is AWESOME...and she told me I needed to have a relationship with my Dad-it's unhealthy not to. You know-I really don't think I do. My mom gives me all I ever needed.
On the topic of my Mom...she works her ass off. I love her to death and it bothers me that my Dad can't get his lazy ass to pay child support. My mom is in major debt, and I know it rides on her shoulders day after day. She took a huge paycut just to get me on insurance during my hip surgeries-and I know she'd do it again. And I'm fucking pissed that she has to work her ass off just to pay bills and be covered up to her neck in debt already, just because she had me. x_x And because my mom works ALL the time, she's tired all the time, and she never does anything for herself. Except she recently got a boyfriend thankfully, but it's still tiring that she's tired all the time. And I just feel bad for us both.
Not to mention our financial issues give us a hard time when it comes to leaving here and moving somewhere else. (Plus another VERY personal issue, which I can't share with ANYONE.) As of now, we're stuck with my Nana...who, God love her, Is a blackmailing control freak. She lends us money, but she holds it over my mom's head. It's just horrible. x_x She's caused a lot of emotional problems for me, too. I think I should be in therapy for my relationship with her. It's really bad....I can't stand to be around her anymore and I yell at her frequently, as she does me. It's depressed me-and not being able to talk about it with anyone doesn't help.
And last but not least, there are my friends. God love em...but like I said before...THEY KEEP FUCKING BITCHING ABOUT ME NOT BEING "SOCIAL". You know...sometimes I just want to scream " HEY! MY LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" and " FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT YOU, I DON'T LIKE ALL THE THINGS YOU DO SO BACK THE FUCK OFF". Ugh...Whatever...and one of my good friends has started hanging out with bitches. I'm trying to stay optimistic about the whole thing but they're just so bad for him. x_X Smoking...drinking...sex. I know he doesn't care about it but I care because I don't want him to get hurt. Not to mention these people are just so fucking shallow and it's like he doesn't notice how much his REAL friends care about him and how much these people are screwing him over. They're the kind of people who'll leave you on the side of the road drunk, as a joke. Well most of them would anyways. Ugh...
Bleh, my life sucks. And I have so many self esteem issues, too. :/ I'm not pretty...I'm fairly annoying...I'm bitchy because of all of my problems...depressed because of all that's been happening...and fat. x_x It leaves me wondering, who's ever gonna love meh? x_X More importantly, am I ready to be alone? :( IDK...I'm just fucked up and pissed off. :( My life sucks right now. At least I have my mom, though. :/
So now I'm gonna go back to listening to my avril songs, wasting away into nothingness. At least listening to someone vent their anger keeps me sane...:/ and no matter what the posers say she kicks ass. Bleh...I wish I could be like her. At least I got to see her concert.
"Nobody's Home"
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
"Take me Away"
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around it
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
What the fuck was Mom thinking? You know, I don't mind she relays my feelings to the sperm donor I call my father....ok, well he isn't really a sperm donor but whatever...biological shitty ass father. Anyways, I didn't mind today that she relayed my feelings-I mean how else is he gonna find out how I feel about him? It all started when I was like 4. The first time I saw him at my Grandparents' house, I hid from him and he searched all over to find me. I found this quite amusing, as I had never played with him before and proceeded to do this with him the next time I saw him. This time, though, it appears as if the game wasn't amusing to him so he left me outside the whole fucking time he was at my Grandparent's, and I was just hoping he was gonna find me that whole fucking 2 hours. So by the time I got back in I realized he was gone, and I never saw him again.
So the bastard shows up about 8 years later with a half-brother for me. Now hyper as this little kid was, I loved him to death. Then his Mom took him away from our family, claiming our father was a deadbeat and my grandparents were bad influences, and let's not even get into me. ;) Oh yes, the bitch dared go into my grandparents. You know...I may have been unsuitable as my dad was CERTAINLY a deadbeat, but my G-ma and G-pa? HELL NO that bitch was majorly out of line.
So in 2001, my Grandfather died. I just remember the day he died and not being able to put into words how much I loved him...I ran from his bedside into the hall and burst into tears. He died 2 days later and I felt like I had betrayed him, I never had been able to quite tell him I loved him. It was just too much for words, and too awkward with all my family members sitting in the room.
2 weeks later my great grandfather died...leaving my Grandmother and Great grandmother devastated. In the next period of 10 months, 10 other people on my Dad's side of the family passed away from various causes...leaving my grandmother and great grandmother greatly depressed. My Mom even warned me that they could get sick, and something could happen to them. So I spent a lot of time with them, just trying to help them bear the burden...as well as grieve for my grandfather by myself. Then, in the 12th month, a member on my mom's side passed away-my great grandmother. She had alzheimers and so she hadn't really been "with" us for a while...but she was still part of my family. And I miss singing rudolph the red nosed reindeer about 10 times every xmas with her and the rest of my family.
So back to the dad story, x_x. My Dad shows up with his new GFs and their new sons and also informs me that he is trying to win back custody of my half brother. He saw how much my grandfather wanted it before he died, and part of me thinks he wants to make sure my grandmother and the rest of my family get to see him ...it'd mean so much to all of us. So he starts coming around more, trying to be my Dad. Child support flows in for the first time in my life (despite the court order) and he starts talking to me and trying to arrange times to see my when I went out to my G-ma's. This is a start. I mean, I know he just wants access to me so I'll say he's a good dad in court, but you know...the feeling is nice. :) And sometimes I feel like he actually DOES care.
So today, my mom yells at him...I went to the hip doctor who told me I was great and never had to see him again unless I have problems again. (I was thinking, "dude...you're not the kind of help I need. -_-") But yeah, and my dad was supposed to be there but he never showed or called. So my mom called and chewed the ass out...much to my dismay. When she chews him out-she yells at him and then brings me into it (she tries to make sure he knows how much he's hurt me) and how I feel. I tell her things, but I never quite know how to put my feelings for him into words. Well anyways...she ended up telling him that he was a shit dad and he never does anything for me. And after she told me this, I asked her why she had to go screw everything up like that. Now that he hears that, he'll be calling 24/7 wanting to talk. And last time she did something like this, (which was well deserved and more on the dot of how I felt) He gave me a long talk and asked me if I felt like that really and all this stuff. You know...I just couldn't say yes. x_x So anyways, I know that next weekend, when my mom goes out of town and I'm going to my grandma's, I'll most likely be questioned by my grandma and dad. Then I'll mostly be dragged out to do shit with him.
Here's my thing about what my mom said: When it comes to my Dad, I really don't give a fuck. I'm sorry, but if the asshole's gonna desert me like that-then he doesn't deserve me...fucked up as I may be. The only thing I need from him is the child support he owes my mom-which is worth over 60,000 dollars. Everything else that he's lacking in, my mom makes up for. She is AWESOME...and she told me I needed to have a relationship with my Dad-it's unhealthy not to. You know-I really don't think I do. My mom gives me all I ever needed.
On the topic of my Mom...she works her ass off. I love her to death and it bothers me that my Dad can't get his lazy ass to pay child support. My mom is in major debt, and I know it rides on her shoulders day after day. She took a huge paycut just to get me on insurance during my hip surgeries-and I know she'd do it again. And I'm fucking pissed that she has to work her ass off just to pay bills and be covered up to her neck in debt already, just because she had me. x_x And because my mom works ALL the time, she's tired all the time, and she never does anything for herself. Except she recently got a boyfriend thankfully, but it's still tiring that she's tired all the time. And I just feel bad for us both.
Not to mention our financial issues give us a hard time when it comes to leaving here and moving somewhere else. (Plus another VERY personal issue, which I can't share with ANYONE.) As of now, we're stuck with my Nana...who, God love her, Is a blackmailing control freak. She lends us money, but she holds it over my mom's head. It's just horrible. x_x She's caused a lot of emotional problems for me, too. I think I should be in therapy for my relationship with her. It's really bad....I can't stand to be around her anymore and I yell at her frequently, as she does me. It's depressed me-and not being able to talk about it with anyone doesn't help.
And last but not least, there are my friends. God love em...but like I said before...THEY KEEP FUCKING BITCHING ABOUT ME NOT BEING "SOCIAL". You know...sometimes I just want to scream " HEY! MY LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!" and " FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT YOU, I DON'T LIKE ALL THE THINGS YOU DO SO BACK THE FUCK OFF". Ugh...Whatever...and one of my good friends has started hanging out with bitches. I'm trying to stay optimistic about the whole thing but they're just so bad for him. x_X Smoking...drinking...sex. I know he doesn't care about it but I care because I don't want him to get hurt. Not to mention these people are just so fucking shallow and it's like he doesn't notice how much his REAL friends care about him and how much these people are screwing him over. They're the kind of people who'll leave you on the side of the road drunk, as a joke. Well most of them would anyways. Ugh...
Bleh, my life sucks. And I have so many self esteem issues, too. :/ I'm not pretty...I'm fairly annoying...I'm bitchy because of all of my problems...depressed because of all that's been happening...and fat. x_x It leaves me wondering, who's ever gonna love meh? x_X More importantly, am I ready to be alone? :( IDK...I'm just fucked up and pissed off. :( My life sucks right now. At least I have my mom, though. :/
So now I'm gonna go back to listening to my avril songs, wasting away into nothingness. At least listening to someone vent their anger keeps me sane...:/ and no matter what the posers say she kicks ass. Bleh...I wish I could be like her. At least I got to see her concert.
"Nobody's Home"
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
"Take me Away"
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around it
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away