Martism No7: Social Decontamination
So I hear this noise. Was it thunder? No. Was it an oncoming army of cyber robots from the future? No. It was my oldest riding mate aboard his pristine 1981 Suzuki Katana. This thing is not your normal bike. It has, for many years been dubbed 'The Manbike' and rightly so. It once housed a 750cc engine direct from the Suzuki factory but that was thrown away and replaced with 1100cc beast. This beast was then bored out to almost 1400cc. Over the years, many go fast bits have been added for further life threatening goodness and todays Manbike sure is something to behold. It is also something to be feared. I have ridden the Manbike and its what is right and proper when it comes to acceleration...especially with my 150 pounds aboard. The 150 pounds that I weighed when I first climbed aboard the Manbike was slightly heavier when I dismounted due to the extra testicle I had grown in the half an hour I was aboard the infamous Manbike.
Yesterday, I made a foolish mistake. I agreed to jump on the back of the Manbike for a trip to my new Favorite pub in Hawthorne. Hawthorne is about 15 minutes from my place....we got there in about 5. At one stage of this hellish ride, we more than tippled the speed limit of 60Kph. Now, going that fast will always raise the pulse, but doing 220Kph in a 60kph zone through the suburbs on a bike that refuses to go around corners with two people on it could actually give you a coronary. With my heart rate running dangerously rapid and my life intact, we arrived at the pub only to be stared at by a horde of pointless teenagers, all laying around spending their Daddys money on imported booze. There was the baggy panted, face pierced boys and the depraved, short skirted toerags with the chipped toe nail polish and $900 shoes. I dont like 'em and something needs to be done. The gene pool needs a good cleansing and I have a plan for an improvement of the species. I think the first step in getting rid of this human waste would be for the government to give them all motorcycles. Right now. Make it compulsory for all teenagers to ride motorcycles from the age of 16 and subsidize the cost so even the most useless, work dodger can get one on credit. The teen problem will be instantly solved because motorcycles provide every 'food' group that is needed in order to be a popular teenager.
Teenage boys actually have very few needs. Their needs can be boiled down to being cool, looking tough and getting into the panties of teenage girls (or middle aged teachers, but that a whole other story). The needs of teenage girls are just as simplistic. They firstly need peer group acceptance, coolness, every pair of shoes known to man (alas, that idiosyncrasy seems to stay into the adult years) and not allowing male hands past their bra and panties. Now, what better way to address all of those genetic teen imperatives than a motorcycle?
Is there a cooler, more rebellious thing on earth than a bike? A gigantic powerful black handgun comes close but the answer is, of course, no. Anyway you look at it, bikes are the only answer to the shocking social problem of large groups of spoiled teenagers. Bikes fulfill the adolescent craving for risk much more than surfing, shop lifting or Heroin and the benefits to the community are vast.
The fools, the arrogant and the uncoordinated will be quickly struck down in the first couple of weeks and it will bring down the rest of the unworthy in no time at all Within the decade, a new, more focused, respectful and graceful teenager will evolve. The benefits to the teenage girls will be just as wonderful. If they sat on the back, they would soon realize that talking crap and nagging is pointless because the rider cant hear you and isn't listening anyway. They would also learn to pack lightly and carry only enough that is needed for the destination. If they decided to actually ride then that would go a long way to reducing the accident rates with todays dim-witted, middle aged women who suddenly decide to take up riding instead of Valium. It would also soon greatly reduce the motorcycle accident rate and car drivers might actually start to see us because its possible that their kid could be the one that they didn't see.
Not a single negative in my entire proposal.
Not a one!
Yesterday, I made a foolish mistake. I agreed to jump on the back of the Manbike for a trip to my new Favorite pub in Hawthorne. Hawthorne is about 15 minutes from my place....we got there in about 5. At one stage of this hellish ride, we more than tippled the speed limit of 60Kph. Now, going that fast will always raise the pulse, but doing 220Kph in a 60kph zone through the suburbs on a bike that refuses to go around corners with two people on it could actually give you a coronary. With my heart rate running dangerously rapid and my life intact, we arrived at the pub only to be stared at by a horde of pointless teenagers, all laying around spending their Daddys money on imported booze. There was the baggy panted, face pierced boys and the depraved, short skirted toerags with the chipped toe nail polish and $900 shoes. I dont like 'em and something needs to be done. The gene pool needs a good cleansing and I have a plan for an improvement of the species. I think the first step in getting rid of this human waste would be for the government to give them all motorcycles. Right now. Make it compulsory for all teenagers to ride motorcycles from the age of 16 and subsidize the cost so even the most useless, work dodger can get one on credit. The teen problem will be instantly solved because motorcycles provide every 'food' group that is needed in order to be a popular teenager.
Teenage boys actually have very few needs. Their needs can be boiled down to being cool, looking tough and getting into the panties of teenage girls (or middle aged teachers, but that a whole other story). The needs of teenage girls are just as simplistic. They firstly need peer group acceptance, coolness, every pair of shoes known to man (alas, that idiosyncrasy seems to stay into the adult years) and not allowing male hands past their bra and panties. Now, what better way to address all of those genetic teen imperatives than a motorcycle?
Is there a cooler, more rebellious thing on earth than a bike? A gigantic powerful black handgun comes close but the answer is, of course, no. Anyway you look at it, bikes are the only answer to the shocking social problem of large groups of spoiled teenagers. Bikes fulfill the adolescent craving for risk much more than surfing, shop lifting or Heroin and the benefits to the community are vast.
The fools, the arrogant and the uncoordinated will be quickly struck down in the first couple of weeks and it will bring down the rest of the unworthy in no time at all Within the decade, a new, more focused, respectful and graceful teenager will evolve. The benefits to the teenage girls will be just as wonderful. If they sat on the back, they would soon realize that talking crap and nagging is pointless because the rider cant hear you and isn't listening anyway. They would also learn to pack lightly and carry only enough that is needed for the destination. If they decided to actually ride then that would go a long way to reducing the accident rates with todays dim-witted, middle aged women who suddenly decide to take up riding instead of Valium. It would also soon greatly reduce the motorcycle accident rate and car drivers might actually start to see us because its possible that their kid could be the one that they didn't see.
Not a single negative in my entire proposal.
Not a one!