"No longer the lost, no longer the same,"
And yes, I can feel myself starting to break.
It's just too much. All too much. Too much work, too much expectation. I am crumbling under the pressure.
I don't understand who I am living for anymore. It's like, this life is only given to us once, and yet I am living mine for other people and not myself. The lame part is that I just don't know how to take reign of it and just live. I want to truly live, be free, and be sane.
Because yes, this is taking my very sanity.
It hurts to feel so underappreaciated, so undervalued. And yet I feel that way constantly. I worked my butt off most of my life, and nobody cares. Not my family, who just wants more, not my friends, whom are hardly existent anymore, not me, who just seems to have given up, who turns everything in late now because really... that's the only time they notice.
I seriously don't get how so many people can function this way without snapping.
I'm about ready to just enter a voluntary coma.
Yet quitting is just not an option. I look at my family and know I'm doing it for them. They may not appreciate it, but it's still for them. And regardless what they do or say, I couldn't ever just stop giving, it's not within my nature, I have a heart. It's the same heart that skips a beat at the content smile of my sibs when I take them shopping, it's the look of gratitude when I pay a bill for my parent's so they don't have to worry about it later, or when I buy groceries so they don't have to. It's the same heart that smiles when it can feel that pride as it's able to help pay for the roof over our heads.
The benefits of working are those, though the downfalls are my lack of sleep, my lack of any type of life out of work. I don't have time for one. I don't have time for friends, for relationships. It's impossible. I'm too immersed in working non-stop because it's what I am told to do. My whole body aches, it's being pushed to it's limits. Hell it's being pushed passed it's limits to the point where sometimes I get vertigo, sometimes I feel like I am about to pass out. It's just unhealthy.
So all in all, yes I am complaining but I am also sure that I wont do anything about it. I know what's expected of me and like a good little girl I am just doing as I am told. No questions asked. No sanity gained.
"God help me I've come undone, out of the light of the sun."
It's just too much. All too much. Too much work, too much expectation. I am crumbling under the pressure.
I don't understand who I am living for anymore. It's like, this life is only given to us once, and yet I am living mine for other people and not myself. The lame part is that I just don't know how to take reign of it and just live. I want to truly live, be free, and be sane.
Because yes, this is taking my very sanity.
It hurts to feel so underappreaciated, so undervalued. And yet I feel that way constantly. I worked my butt off most of my life, and nobody cares. Not my family, who just wants more, not my friends, whom are hardly existent anymore, not me, who just seems to have given up, who turns everything in late now because really... that's the only time they notice.
I seriously don't get how so many people can function this way without snapping.
I'm about ready to just enter a voluntary coma.
Yet quitting is just not an option. I look at my family and know I'm doing it for them. They may not appreciate it, but it's still for them. And regardless what they do or say, I couldn't ever just stop giving, it's not within my nature, I have a heart. It's the same heart that skips a beat at the content smile of my sibs when I take them shopping, it's the look of gratitude when I pay a bill for my parent's so they don't have to worry about it later, or when I buy groceries so they don't have to. It's the same heart that smiles when it can feel that pride as it's able to help pay for the roof over our heads.
The benefits of working are those, though the downfalls are my lack of sleep, my lack of any type of life out of work. I don't have time for one. I don't have time for friends, for relationships. It's impossible. I'm too immersed in working non-stop because it's what I am told to do. My whole body aches, it's being pushed to it's limits. Hell it's being pushed passed it's limits to the point where sometimes I get vertigo, sometimes I feel like I am about to pass out. It's just unhealthy.
So all in all, yes I am complaining but I am also sure that I wont do anything about it. I know what's expected of me and like a good little girl I am just doing as I am told. No questions asked. No sanity gained.
"God help me I've come undone, out of the light of the sun."