Once again I am falling...
It's never just one thing. First comes the sneak blow that knocks the wind out of you. But when that happens all I do is try and catch my breath and blink the sting of tears away. Then it's claws dig deep into my skin and I can't ignore the pain, I can't ignore the blood as it runs down so quickly. Life never lets me be at peace. And it doesn't help that I am falling so easily. There's no safety net for me. I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into something I wish I never had in the first place.
That rambling and anything that follows will not be understood by anybody but me. But it helps to let it out. I can't even sit down and just talk to someone about it. Theres so many secrets. Theres so much hurt and all these bottled up emotions that make me physically ill. And on top of it all it's just life knocking us down time and time again. We hit one bump and as we are trying to figure out how to surpass the obsticle and prepare to face some serious consequences, we are dealt another bad hand, another problem that's just as immense as the first. And the only outcome of either will be negative. And then I find we just walked into another.
I try to keep it inside but it's so hard. But I can't bother anyone with my problems. I don't want to burden anyone. The people I care about and cherish shouldn't suffer or worry on my count. So I bottle up the words, bottle up the tear, and bottle up the pain. But it's too much. I have been bottling things up inside for years.
Now it's become too much. Now I sit and contemplate things I know I shouldn't. Not death. Death would be too easy, too coward like in my situation. I've always known I have problems. But I deny them. Of course I am going to deny them. Of course I am going to play nice when someone asks me because I don't want them to hurt or worse, I don't want them to look at me differently. So I hide that cruel sadistic nature. I'm not me. And yet I don't know who I am.
That rambling and anything that follows will not be understood by anybody but me. But it helps to let it out. I can't even sit down and just talk to someone about it. Theres so many secrets. Theres so much hurt and all these bottled up emotions that make me physically ill. And on top of it all it's just life knocking us down time and time again. We hit one bump and as we are trying to figure out how to surpass the obsticle and prepare to face some serious consequences, we are dealt another bad hand, another problem that's just as immense as the first. And the only outcome of either will be negative. And then I find we just walked into another.
I try to keep it inside but it's so hard. But I can't bother anyone with my problems. I don't want to burden anyone. The people I care about and cherish shouldn't suffer or worry on my count. So I bottle up the words, bottle up the tear, and bottle up the pain. But it's too much. I have been bottling things up inside for years.
Now it's become too much. Now I sit and contemplate things I know I shouldn't. Not death. Death would be too easy, too coward like in my situation. I've always known I have problems. But I deny them. Of course I am going to deny them. Of course I am going to play nice when someone asks me because I don't want them to hurt or worse, I don't want them to look at me differently. So I hide that cruel sadistic nature. I'm not me. And yet I don't know who I am.