Life and Alicia
Last night I got to see my twin, my best friend, the love of my life, the first girl I fell in love with, my Alicia. It was really nice. I hadn't seen her since my wedding. We have kept in touch alot over the phone, but she lives in Grants Pass so distance has been an issue.
So we had a wonderful time as I tried to take her to all of my favorate Thai restraunts that have closed. There was a million I miss yous and I love yous. It felt so good just to have her close again.
I took her back to the house to introduce me to the roomates and give her the tour of my world. We ended up in my room and hugged and held eachother forever, laughing that niether of us wanted to let go. I had forgotten that we were like that. That when I used to stay the night at her house we would hold eachother and pet eachothers faces and tell eachother how much we cared, without that necessarily equaling wierdness.
Then we started to kiss . . . and the kissing began to turn into making out. Then I apologised for being bad. I realised that she is my twin and as much as I wanted to get lost in the moment so did she, and she had just been telling me how good she'd been at not cheating on the guy she's in the process of hooking up yet. She responded by telling me "Yes, we were being bad. That right now she really had to figure out where things were going with Adam and that there was a boundry she couldn't cross." As I went to assure her that I required nothing and was just happy to be in the same proximity as her she continued "So things can't be that way between us . . . . Yet." I said everything I was going to and there was more hugging and holding.
But the yet hit home. It was a deliberate yet. I couldn't help but let the storybook dream that that word could mean in. And it's driving me crazy. It's so Hollywood fairy tale of true love and stuff that it just makes me nausiated. I'm certain that things wouldn't ever be that picturesc. Life isn't picturesc. I don't know if I'd even want the risk of changing the dynamic that is us for that dream, but it's a dream I stopped dreaming long ago when I realised that she was strait. Of course since then she's realised she's sorta bi. She was 18 when we had our intimate evening, and there's numerous reasons for her to not know all of the nuances of her orientation then.
But none of that really matters. I refuse to live in a world of what ifs. I just really miss the feeling of having her nearby. Damn I sound so sappy! There are very few people who I feel like nothing else matters when I'm with them and she came first, so naturally things will be that way.
So yea. I'm kinda silly and wierded out, but I had a good Sunday.
So we had a wonderful time as I tried to take her to all of my favorate Thai restraunts that have closed. There was a million I miss yous and I love yous. It felt so good just to have her close again.
I took her back to the house to introduce me to the roomates and give her the tour of my world. We ended up in my room and hugged and held eachother forever, laughing that niether of us wanted to let go. I had forgotten that we were like that. That when I used to stay the night at her house we would hold eachother and pet eachothers faces and tell eachother how much we cared, without that necessarily equaling wierdness.
Then we started to kiss . . . and the kissing began to turn into making out. Then I apologised for being bad. I realised that she is my twin and as much as I wanted to get lost in the moment so did she, and she had just been telling me how good she'd been at not cheating on the guy she's in the process of hooking up yet. She responded by telling me "Yes, we were being bad. That right now she really had to figure out where things were going with Adam and that there was a boundry she couldn't cross." As I went to assure her that I required nothing and was just happy to be in the same proximity as her she continued "So things can't be that way between us . . . . Yet." I said everything I was going to and there was more hugging and holding.
But the yet hit home. It was a deliberate yet. I couldn't help but let the storybook dream that that word could mean in. And it's driving me crazy. It's so Hollywood fairy tale of true love and stuff that it just makes me nausiated. I'm certain that things wouldn't ever be that picturesc. Life isn't picturesc. I don't know if I'd even want the risk of changing the dynamic that is us for that dream, but it's a dream I stopped dreaming long ago when I realised that she was strait. Of course since then she's realised she's sorta bi. She was 18 when we had our intimate evening, and there's numerous reasons for her to not know all of the nuances of her orientation then.
But none of that really matters. I refuse to live in a world of what ifs. I just really miss the feeling of having her nearby. Damn I sound so sappy! There are very few people who I feel like nothing else matters when I'm with them and she came first, so naturally things will be that way.
So yea. I'm kinda silly and wierded out, but I had a good Sunday.