(no subject)
The whole concept of dating is very wierd for me. Especially now.
So there's the whole gay thing. There's the assumption that everyone I see is strait and therefore able to be offended by my interest.
There's also the whole fact that I've dated men all of my life because they're easy. Men approach you. I realize that the only people I've really been close with have been people that I've met through my social circle and such. This isn't really looking promising at this moment -- Most of my circle is men, mostly gay, and strait or bi girls that seem to perfer men. I realize that I've previously been taking the easy way out of the dating scene and am not as prepared as I'd like to go out and meet people
Then there is the incredible shyness that overtakes me. It's really fucking obnoxious. Cute girls make me very nervous. I giggle and talk in a really meek voice. It shocks me when I realize I'm doing this because I am SO NOT a shy person, and that puts me off and makes me more nervous. The other day I literally broke a cigarette in half because I was talking with a cute girl that works in my building and may actually be gay. It's like a bad sitcom and totally not what I'm comfotable thinking of as me. Hell -- I've had friends hook me up with an ex of mine because they thought it would be funny to see us being shy around girls together. We sat and looked at eachother accross the room and would occasionally giggle make comments like we'd been engaging in an actual conversation. It was super-wierd! I realize that part of this is because I think of lesbians as mythic creatures. I've never actually known one, and the thought that someone may be into me that way kinda kills my confident demenor.
So these things always come down to fear. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of accidently offending some nice strait girl. I'm afraid of coming off like an idiot and being rejected (which is nicely counterpoint to the fact that this feeling is what makes me act like an idiot.) More than that I'm afraid of actually being with someone that I'm that attracted to. Before dating was safe. I was in control. I did things because I wanted to. I always knew where I stood. I knew I was dating truely wonderful people with wonderful personalities who were very into me. I was attracted to them, not necessarily thier bodies. The concept of being so ga-ga that I can't take my eyes off of someone fills me with an odd terror. Part of this is a control thing -- if I'm that into them how do I keep from completely submitting my will to them or some shit. I can be pretty driven to please people based on the fact that thier people, how does this change with that level of attraction.
So I know that I need to grow some balls and meet some girls to actually get over this, but the process is quite tediuos.
So there's the whole gay thing. There's the assumption that everyone I see is strait and therefore able to be offended by my interest.
There's also the whole fact that I've dated men all of my life because they're easy. Men approach you. I realize that the only people I've really been close with have been people that I've met through my social circle and such. This isn't really looking promising at this moment -- Most of my circle is men, mostly gay, and strait or bi girls that seem to perfer men. I realize that I've previously been taking the easy way out of the dating scene and am not as prepared as I'd like to go out and meet people
Then there is the incredible shyness that overtakes me. It's really fucking obnoxious. Cute girls make me very nervous. I giggle and talk in a really meek voice. It shocks me when I realize I'm doing this because I am SO NOT a shy person, and that puts me off and makes me more nervous. The other day I literally broke a cigarette in half because I was talking with a cute girl that works in my building and may actually be gay. It's like a bad sitcom and totally not what I'm comfotable thinking of as me. Hell -- I've had friends hook me up with an ex of mine because they thought it would be funny to see us being shy around girls together. We sat and looked at eachother accross the room and would occasionally giggle make comments like we'd been engaging in an actual conversation. It was super-wierd! I realize that part of this is because I think of lesbians as mythic creatures. I've never actually known one, and the thought that someone may be into me that way kinda kills my confident demenor.
So these things always come down to fear. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of accidently offending some nice strait girl. I'm afraid of coming off like an idiot and being rejected (which is nicely counterpoint to the fact that this feeling is what makes me act like an idiot.) More than that I'm afraid of actually being with someone that I'm that attracted to. Before dating was safe. I was in control. I did things because I wanted to. I always knew where I stood. I knew I was dating truely wonderful people with wonderful personalities who were very into me. I was attracted to them, not necessarily thier bodies. The concept of being so ga-ga that I can't take my eyes off of someone fills me with an odd terror. Part of this is a control thing -- if I'm that into them how do I keep from completely submitting my will to them or some shit. I can be pretty driven to please people based on the fact that thier people, how does this change with that level of attraction.
So I know that I need to grow some balls and meet some girls to actually get over this, but the process is quite tediuos.