"I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm afraid of what I might say...
...I bite my tongue everytime you come around, because blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground."
Sometimes, I have the strongest urge to say things that are best left never to be said. I would play "for instance", but you never know who is watching your lj, and I don't feel like posting friends only. Let's suffice to say that I am not willing to sacrafice what I have to gain what I want, unfortunately. Am I a coward for this? Should I always be willing to take a chance on honesty even if the outcome is leaning towards unsavory? I never know when to take chances, especially with regard to personal interactions. I'm so cautious in my life to hold on to what I've got as long as I have it, even if that means sacraficing a short time(or even more unlikely, a long time) of something better. I guess I always let things escalate too far before I take the jump, and then the water always looks icy. Whether it's people I've grown too distant from to be able to cut them off completely or people I've grown so close too that I'm afraid to try for closer, I always find myself in these sticky in between relationships. There's some sort of sense of obligation or fear of change that leaves me feeling distant, lonely, and unsatisfied. The worst part is, as hopeless, excited, insecure, and anticipatory as I may feel, in the end it always reaches equilibrium at a dull, numb sensation. I can't celebrate where I am. I can't mourn for where I can't ever go. No glee. No tears. Just numb. The scariest part is, I know how drastic the ups and downs of numb can be. I can't even imagine unleashing my feelings. I mean, actually being as happy as I'd like to be is unfathomable. Actually being as sad as I could get is insufferable. I guess it all boils down to my inability to believe in myself, that I could be significant to anyone other than myself or that I could be strong enough to withstand my defeat. Anyone who as even skimmed this rant is truly a friend, and I thank you for it. I would appreciate any thoughts, words of wisdom, or suggestions. Is honesty worth it? Is the repeated rejection worth the prospects of an eventual gain?
Sometimes, I have the strongest urge to say things that are best left never to be said. I would play "for instance", but you never know who is watching your lj, and I don't feel like posting friends only. Let's suffice to say that I am not willing to sacrafice what I have to gain what I want, unfortunately. Am I a coward for this? Should I always be willing to take a chance on honesty even if the outcome is leaning towards unsavory? I never know when to take chances, especially with regard to personal interactions. I'm so cautious in my life to hold on to what I've got as long as I have it, even if that means sacraficing a short time(or even more unlikely, a long time) of something better. I guess I always let things escalate too far before I take the jump, and then the water always looks icy. Whether it's people I've grown too distant from to be able to cut them off completely or people I've grown so close too that I'm afraid to try for closer, I always find myself in these sticky in between relationships. There's some sort of sense of obligation or fear of change that leaves me feeling distant, lonely, and unsatisfied. The worst part is, as hopeless, excited, insecure, and anticipatory as I may feel, in the end it always reaches equilibrium at a dull, numb sensation. I can't celebrate where I am. I can't mourn for where I can't ever go. No glee. No tears. Just numb. The scariest part is, I know how drastic the ups and downs of numb can be. I can't even imagine unleashing my feelings. I mean, actually being as happy as I'd like to be is unfathomable. Actually being as sad as I could get is insufferable. I guess it all boils down to my inability to believe in myself, that I could be significant to anyone other than myself or that I could be strong enough to withstand my defeat. Anyone who as even skimmed this rant is truly a friend, and I thank you for it. I would appreciate any thoughts, words of wisdom, or suggestions. Is honesty worth it? Is the repeated rejection worth the prospects of an eventual gain?