i wish it would all just disappear
ummm...today..it hurt a little bit! like my little heart feels broked and i have no idea why! well i think i know but im not sure if thats it..i mean yeah i have a lot to be stressed about but i didnt feel bad until all of this came up. i think i need fair to be over and i need some sleep and it'll be all good. but umm soooooo i dunno. im kinda stuck on the whole bf thing again. like i just dont feel right about myself! i mean i feel like its all my fault. like im a bad person...i dont think i really am but i kinda blame myself for everything. and look how bad ive screwed up my 2 past relaionships. do i really wanna do that to myself or someone else again?? yeah i like him..but the dislike for myself is more and like i dont even know if this whole thing is a possibility. why should i get my hopes up?? i wish i wouldnt put myself thru all this bullshit again. like im all upset over the whole mike thing again. where did i go wrong there? i was the best girlfriend i could be and he wanted to kill himself..why didnt i see that coming? or why couldnt i try to work things out a little bit? why did he leave on such bad terms? and really why do i care? everyone leaves eventually..my luck with guys is horrible. all of this is pointless..but im so tired of being constantly surrounded by happy couples. every person that ive taken the time to get really close to this year has a boyfriend and its all good..but im such a bitch that people dont want to stay around me too long so i basically fuck myself over and over. i wanna feel a part of and i wanna be happy but im sooo screwed up that ill never let that be and every gut that might have been semi-good for me ive shoved away..so i get stuck with people like mark. i dont wanna be like this..i wanna be normal..GOD i sound desperate, huh?