Playing Old Favorites
Well, it looks like I'm back to playing Vash the Stampede again. Although, I really always have. Allow me to elaborate.
My entire life has been about putting others first. I always think, "How can I handle this situation without hurting anyone else?" The answer usually comes at my own expense. Now, in the anime Trigun (for those of you who've never seen it), Vash is the main character who is an ace gun man, but refuses to kill anyone. The reason he does this is because he knows that no one has the right to take another's life. Now, while he'll still injure people, the analogy is that he's always thinking about the greater good: saving both the spider and the butterfly caught in the spider's web. This is how I've been acting for as long as I can remember. See, I just don't feel right putting myself first. I don't know why, I just feel guilty. I realize this is an irrational thought, but something deep inside of me continues to lead me down this path.
Now I don't want this post to come off as me saying I'm perfect, because I'm far from it. It's just that I keep putting others first at my own expense. Luckily, I'm not having to do that right now, because things are going well. That, and I have made strives to put myself first. I just can't stop feeling guilty for it, though. I don't know why and I wish I could change it. I want to be able to be happy and have others be happy around me. I don't want one or the other. And for once, although it sounds extremely selfish, if it comes to my happiness or others, I want to pick my own. God that sounds aweful... The thing is, though, I probably won't choose myself over others. And therein lies most of the dilemma. Part of me is afraid to slip back into "Doormat Stefan" and the other half doesn't want to transform into "Dick Stefan". I need to find the happy median, and I need all ya'll's help.
Speaking of transforming, I got all 98 episodes of Transformers on DVD!!!! I watched the first 5 tonight with Chris, and was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. Like, you have no idea. Anyways, I'll stop fan-boying about that. Anyone who wants to partake in the gloriousness of Transformers, let me know, and I'll show you a couple episodes. I won't make you sit through all 98 (plus the old movie, so really more like 100) unless you want to. But yeah, I'm out.
My entire life has been about putting others first. I always think, "How can I handle this situation without hurting anyone else?" The answer usually comes at my own expense. Now, in the anime Trigun (for those of you who've never seen it), Vash is the main character who is an ace gun man, but refuses to kill anyone. The reason he does this is because he knows that no one has the right to take another's life. Now, while he'll still injure people, the analogy is that he's always thinking about the greater good: saving both the spider and the butterfly caught in the spider's web. This is how I've been acting for as long as I can remember. See, I just don't feel right putting myself first. I don't know why, I just feel guilty. I realize this is an irrational thought, but something deep inside of me continues to lead me down this path.
Now I don't want this post to come off as me saying I'm perfect, because I'm far from it. It's just that I keep putting others first at my own expense. Luckily, I'm not having to do that right now, because things are going well. That, and I have made strives to put myself first. I just can't stop feeling guilty for it, though. I don't know why and I wish I could change it. I want to be able to be happy and have others be happy around me. I don't want one or the other. And for once, although it sounds extremely selfish, if it comes to my happiness or others, I want to pick my own. God that sounds aweful... The thing is, though, I probably won't choose myself over others. And therein lies most of the dilemma. Part of me is afraid to slip back into "Doormat Stefan" and the other half doesn't want to transform into "Dick Stefan". I need to find the happy median, and I need all ya'll's help.
Speaking of transforming, I got all 98 episodes of Transformers on DVD!!!! I watched the first 5 tonight with Chris, and was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. Like, you have no idea. Anyways, I'll stop fan-boying about that. Anyone who wants to partake in the gloriousness of Transformers, let me know, and I'll show you a couple episodes. I won't make you sit through all 98 (plus the old movie, so really more like 100) unless you want to. But yeah, I'm out.