ew
it's 4:30 or so, and nobody's online to talk to. this isn't urgent enough to wake anybody else up over, either. so...livejournal? it's been a while since i wrote here anyway, even though i check my friends section daily.
it's funny...doing the right thing doesn't always feel all that great.
a few months ago, something came up in my life that was a huge deal to me...something music related. it's very complicated, so i'll leave it at that. at the time, it was a major fork-in-the-road decision for everyone involved. as things progressed in the situation, i realized that the choice i felt was right was going to be the one most disappointing to the others waiting on my answer. i was terrified, but it didn't change what i knew and felt. i prayed, begging for some kind of divine intervention that would steer me the other way, but it only reinforced my feelings. in the end, i made the decision which i felt was right. interesting consequences ensued, which have since almost completely vanished, and that night will probably soon be forgotten by the rest of the people involved.
since that night (quite literally), i have had an entirely new breed of panic attack on my hands. it brings a feeling closer to full-blown terror than panic, a feeling that someone's hand is inside my chest, firmly squeezing everything inside, particularly my heart. for almost a month, it was a daily thing, and as long as i wasn't sedated out of my mind, it was there. it still happens several times a week, and i still have to get all jacked up on medicine to stop it. it interferes with whatever i'm doing, and i have not yet found any natural means of dealing with it.
so now i'm wondering...doing the right thing, following your convictions, and all that...is supposed to make it easier for you to live with yourself, right? lets you sleep at night, and all that stuff?
then why, having made a choice which i knew beyond any doubt was the right one, do i find myself in a situation so far off from that?
it's funny...doing the right thing doesn't always feel all that great.
a few months ago, something came up in my life that was a huge deal to me...something music related. it's very complicated, so i'll leave it at that. at the time, it was a major fork-in-the-road decision for everyone involved. as things progressed in the situation, i realized that the choice i felt was right was going to be the one most disappointing to the others waiting on my answer. i was terrified, but it didn't change what i knew and felt. i prayed, begging for some kind of divine intervention that would steer me the other way, but it only reinforced my feelings. in the end, i made the decision which i felt was right. interesting consequences ensued, which have since almost completely vanished, and that night will probably soon be forgotten by the rest of the people involved.
since that night (quite literally), i have had an entirely new breed of panic attack on my hands. it brings a feeling closer to full-blown terror than panic, a feeling that someone's hand is inside my chest, firmly squeezing everything inside, particularly my heart. for almost a month, it was a daily thing, and as long as i wasn't sedated out of my mind, it was there. it still happens several times a week, and i still have to get all jacked up on medicine to stop it. it interferes with whatever i'm doing, and i have not yet found any natural means of dealing with it.
so now i'm wondering...doing the right thing, following your convictions, and all that...is supposed to make it easier for you to live with yourself, right? lets you sleep at night, and all that stuff?
then why, having made a choice which i knew beyond any doubt was the right one, do i find myself in a situation so far off from that?