I tried to sleep prematurely...
... and now I'm just awake with thoughts. I'm also on Harrison because I needed to download something from Clubbox and Rutherford doesn't have Clubbox installed, and I'm remembering now how much I tactilely love this keyboard. I never made typos on this thing because it could keep up with me. XD
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I don't like seeing people in a situation that hurts/is negative for them and so if I can, I will do what I can to help. If I know the person well/consider them a friend then I want the best for them; but even if I don't know them well I want the people around me to be happy, or at least neutral/calm.
When I help someone I know am I helping them in the hopes that they will someday repay me in-kind? When I help someone I don't know am I hoping that it will be rewarded in the cycle of samsara or an extra brownie-point on the checklist at heaven? If so, as these are plainly selfish motivations do they negate or cancel out the act of helping?
Now, it can just as easily be argued that I could only be helping them to assuage my own guilt/pain at seeing them in that situation, thus making my desire/gesture to help selfishly motivated as well. After all, seeing the people around me happy makes me happy/peaceful, so the desire and act to help them will ultimately better the circumstances surrounding me. Does that negate the act of help itself? To what degree can it be argued that something is done for the benefit of others vs for the benefit of ourselves? It's really a fascinating quandary when you start to get into it.
I think that on a personal level, I now think more along the line that "if it's meant to come back around to me, it will. If not, fine. I will still do what I can to try and better the condition of those in my life, self included." And if that's selfish, then so be it- I'll let some other being deal with that when this trip comes to an end.
Ultimately- if the action of being "good" towards another person actually benefits the recipient's life/mood/state of being, even for a little while, I think that that is what really matters in the here-and-now (or at least I hope so).
I don't want to be ungrateful for kindness, and I don't want to take people for granted, but how can I possibly make up for all of the times people have taken care of me, in a way that's fair and truly equal? I can't, I don't think, and that's where my potential goodness falls apart. There isn't enough of it in me to make up for the rest of it.
In all honesty, I think that the fact that you are actually aware of this, that you feel bad about it and that you want to validate the kindness given you by repaying it in turn is one of the greatest steps a person can make towards repaying it. I think that awareness is often unjustly discounted as being something trivial in the grand scheme of actions because it solely exists in our minds where other people can't see or feel it as something tangible. However, without that awareness and introspection of the weight (or potential lack thereof) of our actions it does seem to cheapen them in a sense. "Well, why did/didn't you do [x]?" "I dunno, I just did/didn't."
So many people simply accept kindness for what it is and think nothing beyond it. That you put thought and care into that kindness adds to it's ultimate weight and while I can see that making the thought of what to do with said kindness a daunting one, I also think that it's ultimately a good thing.
And maybe sometimes an honest appreciation of/for an act of kindness is all that is needed in return?
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