ninth translation // written/action for housemates

[lt_linguist]

[Heavily filtered - probably 97% - to Malcolm Reynolds]

[It takes a few hours after the experiment wears off for this letter to appear - she's been collecting her thoughts, working through everything, and then composing the message, mustering every ounce of dignity she can.]Captain Reynolds

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[slaying]

[Selfish, selfish Slayer. So caught up in her own melodrama that, when the first few hours of her house-arrest has passed with little action, she walks into Uhura's room. Because the communications officer was always good for chat. Maybe they could, oh god Buffy didn't know, share some cookies or do their nails or absolutely anything other than talk about love.

Of course, Buffy bursts in upon Uhura's very private moment of whatever-this-experiment-left-them-with. The playful and goading remark that she had planned dies on her lips.]

Oh, Uhura? [Her shoulders slump and she invites herself in. Move over, woman. She's having a seat next to you.] Rough week?

[lt_linguist]

[In the past, before being tossed here, Uhura probably would've found Buffy's personality abrasive, annoying.

Now, though, it's sort of...comforting. Gives her a feeling of being grounded, in a way. Almost like Spock, despite the night-and-day personalities.]

I've never felt so utterly disgusted with myself.

[slaying]

I have. [She doesn't say it as a deflection off of Uhura just...hey girl, she understands.] Plus, it passes. Oh, plus, this wasn't your fault. It was some kind of a spell thing. At least you've got that going for you, right?

[lt_linguist]

I feel like I should've done more. Should've known something was wrong. It didn't quite feel right, even as it was happening. I resisted the last one, and that didn't involve cheating on Spock.

[slaying]

I don't know if it's a resisty thing. More like a lottery that is seriously lacking in fun and with worst prizes imaginable. Sometimes you get hit, sometimes you don't. I haven't been affected by all of them, and sometimes I didn't even realize that something was going on.

[lt_linguist]

I know that, I do know. I just. [She sighs, and rubs the bridge of her nose.] I'm still culpable for my actions. The Malnosso didn't force me to do anything I did, they simply manufactured false emotions.

[It takes her a moment to say something else.] A little over three years.

[slaying]

The felt pretty real to me but--hmm? What was that? Three years of what?

[lt_linguist]

I've known Spock for three years. The Malnosso somehow got into my head and circumvented three years of... conversations, learning about each other, sharing things, friendship and trust and... [She scowls and blinks.] This huge, terrible tragedy, and watching him go off, not expecting him to come back.

They made me forget all that, for what? I spent four days with a guy I just met.

[slaying]

But the moment you had your mind back, you knew exactly where your heart belongs. That's what matters. Spells...they can make you do anything.

[Buffy sighs, but reaches out to touch Uhura's shoulder.] Can I tell you a story? I think...I think it might help.

[lt_linguist]

I just... feel really helpless. It's not a feeling I like.

[She glances at the other woman for a moment.] Sure.

icon misfire!

[slaying]

Two years ago, I was attacked by a demon whose venom caused horrible hallucinations. I didn't know it the time--but, but I'd started seeing things. It felt like...waking up. There were these doctors and my parents, telling me that all my life until that point, the six years I'd spent as the Slayer? That was the fake life. That'd I'd made it up and that I was actually a mental patient, highly schizophrenic and usually more vegetable than human. The things they said sounded so real. I wanted to believe them so much.

[She looks away. Eyeing the ground.] My friends--the ones I'd known for years, loved like my own family? They were trying really hard to save me. But I'd given up. The doctor told me I had to destroy the things that kept dragging me back to the fantasy. And I tried. I nearly killed my friends, my sister because I was hallucinating.

[She breaks off there. She has left out so much--the joy of seeing her mother alive, the fear that she was genuinely crazy. It takes her a moment, but:] They forgave me. I'm sure Spock'll

[lt_linguist]

[Wow. Uhura watches as the other woman tells the story. She can't even imagine what that must've been like.

It's a while before she speaks again.]

I know he'll forgive me. And I'll forgive him. But part of me will always feel guilty. Part of me will always remember that for the first time in three years, I was with someone else, and, at least for a little while, I enjoyed it.

[slaying]

It comes down to choice. You were forced into the someone-elseness. You'd never have chosen it if they didn't choose for you. Like I didn't choose to be poisoned.

[And so, she comes to the not-so-pleasant moral of her story.] Save your disgust for the things that are actually you're fault.

[lt_linguist]

Good advice. Now I'll just have to learn to take it.

[She gives Buffy a wry smile.] I've always been my own harshest critic. It's part of why I'm so good at what I do.

[slaying]

[She needs to learn how to take it too. Girl's carrying massive disgust over Kadaj.]

That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just--y'know. Balance. It's needed.

[lt_linguist]

[She nods.] Life is a constant attempt to achieve balance, some might say.

I'll just let myself feel bad for hurting the person I love most in the world for a while, then we'll move on and keep trying to make this weird thing work.