Topic catch-up time...
Horatio considers the question, typed up before him in size twelve black typeface. The question almost makes him laugh and cry at the irony. Of all the questions, this was the one presented this week, a week that he would not forget in a long time. Trying to shake off the grief that has consumed him for the past few weeks, he began to type.
In a word, no. Not intentionally, anyway. Others may consider some of the things I contend with as a policeman adventurous, but I don't get any thrills out of chasing down a criminal, or even shooting at one if the occasion calls for it.
Horatio pauses in his typing at this point, the scene still playing out in front of his eyes. The jolt of Speed's body as the bullet hits him, the sound of his body hitting the ground.
"I can't feel anything...."
"I know, just keep breathing....hang in there..."
"Can't fight it...."
The adrenaline I get from that situation isn't the kind that leaves you wanting more. It leaves you feeling drained and more often than not, frustrated and angry. There's nothing adventurous, or even romantic about it. Maybe in another life I would've been a thrillseeker for fun, but in this one I'm not.
The answer is short, but Horatio finds that it is still too soon and this question was perhaps hitting too close to home. Speed's death may have been a few weeks ago, but in his mind it's still mere days.
Without question, it's my mother. My dad left her when I was two years old and my brother was just a baby. It was the early 60s, so she was up against adverse circumstances but somehow, she managed to raise my brother and I by herself and juggle a job to ensure that there was dinner on the table every night. We didn't live like royalty, but we were happy.
It was my mom that I went to for all advice and answers. It didn't matter whether it was girls, guys at school giving me trouble, or help on a history assignment. She could have been under the worst stress, but she still made the point of sitting down and helping me. She nurtured me, but she also wasn't adverse to administering tough love. If she asked me to do something like cook dinner or do the laundry, I did it. If I didn't, I knew I'd be in for trouble.
If my mother was the most influential person in my life, then coming home from school one afternoon to find her dead was the most influential event. We lived in a bad neighbourhood, and seeing dealers selling their drugs to addicts in the street wasn't a rare sight. However, they needed people with no criminal record to do their dirty work, and mom was one of those people pressured. This particular dealer asked her again and again and the next time she refused, she was shot.
Her death, and helping to find her killer with the police made me realize my vocation. That one event affected me for the rest of my life, and it wasn't just helping me realize what I wanted to do with my life. I had to start thinking like an adult and taking responsibility. In seventeen years, mom had been preparing me for the moment I reached adulthood. Every bit of advice, every answer to a question. I was nervous, but to this day I still remember everything she said and did.
It depends......heartache can be a double-edged sword. It can make you stronger and weaker at the same time. When I split up from my ex-wife it affected my work, as much as I didn't want it to. It was a bitter breakup where all the lies and underlying problems in our marriage surfaced, and of course it became difficult to concentrate on my work when I was told by my ex-wife that it was one of the reasons our marriage ended.
When my brother was shot a few years ago, I let my own pain and guilt over his death overrule my judgement. While the bastard that did it deserved what he got, I was disappointed with myself for nearly losing control when I was in the interrogation room with him and Frank.
I've had my fair share of heartache in my life, and yet while it does make me stronger, it hasn't turned off my feelings completely. Every blow dealt can still be hard to take. But when you need to find the strength to get on with life, it is very effective.