(no subject)
okay so i know this is like entry overload, but no one seriously reads this thing anymore anyways so here goes:
i feel like everything i have tried to do gets fucked up somehow. I feel like i'm really messing up my life. Like everytime i go for something that gives me short term satisfaction, it ends up with long term consequences. For example, "hickey boy" like at that point it was fun and what not, but now i look back at that and i do kind of regret that it was with that guy, he's so shady and a total douche. i dunno, like me and shan do this thing where we bust out a prank call, and a particular prank was not as pranky as i would have liked to think bc it was a serious issue you know? and if taken lightly it can be construed as funny you know? but the fact that the person didn't know it was a joke and that it got a good friend involved and that it started shit really pisses me off. i don't even know. and the fact that this person is in a frat here where the brothers are frickin psycho when it comes to dealing with issues like this is not sitting well with my stomach either. Like i'm honestly afraid to go to any parties where they might be and drink you know? i feel like i can't really get anywhere with guys either. Like every guy i have ever liked either doesn't reciprocate the feelings or there is competition. UGH why can't there be an easy one? why does there have to be competition for me? why can't someone just fall in my lap you know? like why can't i know how to be more "guy savvy" and learn how to be more assertive? its like that oklahoma song "i'm just a girl who can't say no" and like i need to be able to say no and yes at the right times. i just wish i had had more practice with stuff before college. and sometimes its like aww i wish i had a boyfriend, but other times i'm really glad i'm single. And then like josh really likes my friend amey. and i mean he talks to me about it, and i don't konw if she reciprocates exactly, and i wish i could tell him good stuff, but i don't know for sure and like i feel as though he's my son or something? idk its weird but i just want the best thing possible for him and i want him to have what he wants. And i think i feel especially bad bc i'm the one that introduced them, like if they hadn't met, this stuff wouldn't be happening right now. And then stuff happened tonite that made me look kind of at my character, and like wonder how untrustworthy i really am. like the fact that this certain thing happend, like people just seriously don't trust me and that really bothers me and hurts me that i can't be trusted not to do certain things, bc seriously i try not to mess with shit like that and it just makes me so angry that i feel as htough people gang up on me too, and don't take the blame for stuff and then blame me for anything that goes wrong. its not always my fault, or at least not always totally my fault. I'm angry at myself for letting myself get fucked up like i do. that seriously freakin bothers me that like i am just letting myself get so trashed. i dont wanna be trashed like i was yesterday, or a few weekends ago. i do'nt like taht feeling ever of not being in control, i want to have control over myself, or at least more control than i have. I hate that i said i would do this walk thing and that it starts in like 4 hours and i havn't gotten any sleep tonite. idk i'm just really angry at myself right now. and tonite my friend down the hall almost died bc she was in the hands of drunk people, that's frickin retarded, that needs to not happen and it seriously is just working me up ugh. And i'm pissed off that my roommate won't freaking sleep in the room that she sleeps down the hall all the time or whatever without really telling me where she is! i mean i know we aren't the best of friends, but like if she died tomorrow i would bring flowers to her funeral you know? i mean i want to know where she is kind of and its really inconsiderate not to at least leave a note. I mean she could be freakin getting raped and murdered right now but bc we don't talk about stuff i wouldn't even be a good witness to the cops. I wish she would talk to me and be like "hey on weekends, could you not be up so late in the room?" and i would understand you know, i just wish she would talk to me. when i found out she felt like i was "takin gover the entire room" i made an effort to clean my side up you know? even though she didn't directly tell me. gosh i really don't like who i am right now. ughhhhhhhhhhhh!
i feel like everything i have tried to do gets fucked up somehow. I feel like i'm really messing up my life. Like everytime i go for something that gives me short term satisfaction, it ends up with long term consequences. For example, "hickey boy" like at that point it was fun and what not, but now i look back at that and i do kind of regret that it was with that guy, he's so shady and a total douche. i dunno, like me and shan do this thing where we bust out a prank call, and a particular prank was not as pranky as i would have liked to think bc it was a serious issue you know? and if taken lightly it can be construed as funny you know? but the fact that the person didn't know it was a joke and that it got a good friend involved and that it started shit really pisses me off. i don't even know. and the fact that this person is in a frat here where the brothers are frickin psycho when it comes to dealing with issues like this is not sitting well with my stomach either. Like i'm honestly afraid to go to any parties where they might be and drink you know? i feel like i can't really get anywhere with guys either. Like every guy i have ever liked either doesn't reciprocate the feelings or there is competition. UGH why can't there be an easy one? why does there have to be competition for me? why can't someone just fall in my lap you know? like why can't i know how to be more "guy savvy" and learn how to be more assertive? its like that oklahoma song "i'm just a girl who can't say no" and like i need to be able to say no and yes at the right times. i just wish i had had more practice with stuff before college. and sometimes its like aww i wish i had a boyfriend, but other times i'm really glad i'm single. And then like josh really likes my friend amey. and i mean he talks to me about it, and i don't konw if she reciprocates exactly, and i wish i could tell him good stuff, but i don't know for sure and like i feel as though he's my son or something? idk its weird but i just want the best thing possible for him and i want him to have what he wants. And i think i feel especially bad bc i'm the one that introduced them, like if they hadn't met, this stuff wouldn't be happening right now. And then stuff happened tonite that made me look kind of at my character, and like wonder how untrustworthy i really am. like the fact that this certain thing happend, like people just seriously don't trust me and that really bothers me and hurts me that i can't be trusted not to do certain things, bc seriously i try not to mess with shit like that and it just makes me so angry that i feel as htough people gang up on me too, and don't take the blame for stuff and then blame me for anything that goes wrong. its not always my fault, or at least not always totally my fault. I'm angry at myself for letting myself get fucked up like i do. that seriously freakin bothers me that like i am just letting myself get so trashed. i dont wanna be trashed like i was yesterday, or a few weekends ago. i do'nt like taht feeling ever of not being in control, i want to have control over myself, or at least more control than i have. I hate that i said i would do this walk thing and that it starts in like 4 hours and i havn't gotten any sleep tonite. idk i'm just really angry at myself right now. and tonite my friend down the hall almost died bc she was in the hands of drunk people, that's frickin retarded, that needs to not happen and it seriously is just working me up ugh. And i'm pissed off that my roommate won't freaking sleep in the room that she sleeps down the hall all the time or whatever without really telling me where she is! i mean i know we aren't the best of friends, but like if she died tomorrow i would bring flowers to her funeral you know? i mean i want to know where she is kind of and its really inconsiderate not to at least leave a note. I mean she could be freakin getting raped and murdered right now but bc we don't talk about stuff i wouldn't even be a good witness to the cops. I wish she would talk to me and be like "hey on weekends, could you not be up so late in the room?" and i would understand you know, i just wish she would talk to me. when i found out she felt like i was "takin gover the entire room" i made an effort to clean my side up you know? even though she didn't directly tell me. gosh i really don't like who i am right now. ughhhhhhhhhhhh!