the good times are killing me
so its really frustrating when you dont know how you feel. if that makes any sense. i cant tell if what i feel is just me being a typical human being (wanting what i cant have, and in this case, visa versa) OR if i actually am turned off as of late.. hmmm. i keep trying to figure myself out. i wish analyzing myself was as easy (not that its easy) as analyzing other people. its just easier to look at someone else's life objectively and get a better picture of what is going on than to look at my own life and be an impartial spectator (oh lord, the history of social thought is freaking invading my LIFE.. but what did i expect from that class anyway, its basically all i ever do). i dont want to hurt him/give up on something that could be really good? but honestly, its my second month in college- should i really be expected to want something serious this early? esp. since im still meeting people and getting to know myself in this new environment. but that is not even the point. well it kind of is. but really, am i over-analyzing this? I DONT KNOW. i am definitely NOT the type to want to be coddled and smothered at all. im too used to being my own person with my own life- thats how it has always been- to be able to immediately get used to someone always being like- i care about you, i like you, im worried about you, im sorry, are you ok???? JUST STOP. honestly that is so annoying to me. but am i making these few stupid things to be a bigger deal than they should be? is the fact that there is someone else who is a possibility clouding my judgement? and who knows if its even a freaking possibility. it could definitely be ALL IN MY HEAD. cause that is basically how it has been my whole life.. how dumb would i be if i gave up on one thing to chase some guy who is not even interested and then im left with nothing? i feel like i am being selfish/wanting a lot of attention and its messing up my mind. why does this have to be so complicated. i hate drama. life should be easy. or should it? probably not. but when its hard, it sucks. not that this is the most awful thing that i have ever been through, cause obviously its not at all. its probably a "good" problem to have. but its still fucking frustrating to not know what i want, how i really feel, or what i should do/not do. people tell me to go with the flow. hell, thats what i tell myself. but is that really appropriate all the time? i mean i totally wish it was.. but how do i just "go with the flow" when my first instinct is to back off completely, but then immediately turn around and tell myself that i am doing the wrong thing. by that point i am completley conflicted and there is no going with the flow. going with the flow implies not thinking too much. and i am thinking way to much. i also think that that is his problem too- when we first met and were talking he didnt try so hard and was so much more natural, which is exactly what i want. once thinking comes into play- everything goes to hell. wtf.i need someone who is confident enought to not completely change his personality once something happens- who can continue to be himself no matter what. not cocky- but confident. not that he isnt confident- i just dont know how to describe it or if i am just imagining it all. both are good possibilities.
this whole thing makes it sound like i am totally freaking out which i am not- i have just had a lot of thoughts lately on the subject and needed to unload. so im done now. peace.