Wow, this was from 2007
The following has been sitting as a draft on LiveJournal for almost 5 years. Wow, a long time ago. How many things have changed and have happened...
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Okay, so where do I start when I haven't posted an entry here in two and a half years?
I'm unemployed, unmarried, unattached, unhealthy, unenthusiastic, and generally sick of things the way they are.
I'm posting here to vent because I don't feel I could vent on MySpace because there are things I think I'll be saying here that I don't want the people who read my posts there to see.
I have been in near constant pain for the last two months. It really started back in early April but I didn't feel the full effects of it for nearly a month. Yes, I had tingles down my leg and foot when I got out of bed in the morning, but that was the extent of it for a while. Then my back started hurting and the pain would shoot through my hip and down my leg, not tingling, stabbing pain. After treating it as sciatica for a while then getting physical therapy, I finally got the MRI I needed and it showed that I have three disks that have degenerated pinching the nerves that run down my left leg. This past Thursday I had a epidural steroid shot that is supposed to give me some relief. I am really putting a lot of stock in that shot. It isn't supposed to start working for another day or two but I am really ready for the pain to go away. I'm not a candidate for surgery unless I start having vascular damage in the area. I have been taking hydrocodone for two months straight and I'm concerned that I am dependent on it as I was following surgery in 2001. As Eaton told me then, take care of the pain now, worry about the other later...great.
No matter what my girlfriend at the time said about it, I think one of the reasons our relationship fell apart was because I wasn't honest with her about just how much pain I was in. Every other aspect of our relationship was based on honesty and calling each other out when we felt the other wasn't being honest in one respect or another. I think that because of her youth and my age, she just couldn't see us being together. She's too young to be saddled with a guy who has the medical history I have and the debts I have because of it. She is a very healthy woman with needs of her own and her two girls to consider and I think that is the biggest reason she pulled away. After I re-read some of our early posts I realized something. She was ready to have sex with me within days of our initial contact. We hadn't even met. Even though she told me once that if we never had sex again, she would still stay with me, I think the possibility of losing our sex life to my back condition was a problem for her. As "earthy" as she might have been and all the talk about how natural and wonderful sex was, she had a ton of hang ups that I feel I only scratched the surface of her problems. I also discovered I have hang ups of my own that came from decades of bad sex and bad treatment in my two marriages.
I know now that I am better off alone. I think she is taking better care of herself than she was when we were together. She was really wrung out and I am to blame for a lot of that. She keeps saying that she called everything off because of her and it had nothing to do with me. I can't argue with that, but I can still say that I feel if I still had my job and if I were healthy, we would probably still be together. She says she invested herself into me too much. I invested my life in her and her two girls. Indeed, I invested my future in her and into having a family of five. I have a feeling that if I had invested less in her, I probably would still have my job. I realize I spent way too much time at my job working on our relationship where I should have been working my job.
I am in an apartment that is full of illegals, in fact, the one neighbor I've actually talked to is being sent back to Brazil next month by immigration. The apartments here are old and unmaintained. I had to fight for two weeks to get a stove that wasn't a fire hazard. The wiring to the burners was burned out and one of the connectors was corroded to the point where it fell off the burner. The A/C has failed here four times already, they've looked at it twice with no improvement in the temperature in the place.
_________________________________________________________________________
Okay, so where do I start when I haven't posted an entry here in two and a half years?
I'm unemployed, unmarried, unattached, unhealthy, unenthusiastic, and generally sick of things the way they are.
I'm posting here to vent because I don't feel I could vent on MySpace because there are things I think I'll be saying here that I don't want the people who read my posts there to see.
I have been in near constant pain for the last two months. It really started back in early April but I didn't feel the full effects of it for nearly a month. Yes, I had tingles down my leg and foot when I got out of bed in the morning, but that was the extent of it for a while. Then my back started hurting and the pain would shoot through my hip and down my leg, not tingling, stabbing pain. After treating it as sciatica for a while then getting physical therapy, I finally got the MRI I needed and it showed that I have three disks that have degenerated pinching the nerves that run down my left leg. This past Thursday I had a epidural steroid shot that is supposed to give me some relief. I am really putting a lot of stock in that shot. It isn't supposed to start working for another day or two but I am really ready for the pain to go away. I'm not a candidate for surgery unless I start having vascular damage in the area. I have been taking hydrocodone for two months straight and I'm concerned that I am dependent on it as I was following surgery in 2001. As Eaton told me then, take care of the pain now, worry about the other later...great.
No matter what my girlfriend at the time said about it, I think one of the reasons our relationship fell apart was because I wasn't honest with her about just how much pain I was in. Every other aspect of our relationship was based on honesty and calling each other out when we felt the other wasn't being honest in one respect or another. I think that because of her youth and my age, she just couldn't see us being together. She's too young to be saddled with a guy who has the medical history I have and the debts I have because of it. She is a very healthy woman with needs of her own and her two girls to consider and I think that is the biggest reason she pulled away. After I re-read some of our early posts I realized something. She was ready to have sex with me within days of our initial contact. We hadn't even met. Even though she told me once that if we never had sex again, she would still stay with me, I think the possibility of losing our sex life to my back condition was a problem for her. As "earthy" as she might have been and all the talk about how natural and wonderful sex was, she had a ton of hang ups that I feel I only scratched the surface of her problems. I also discovered I have hang ups of my own that came from decades of bad sex and bad treatment in my two marriages.
I know now that I am better off alone. I think she is taking better care of herself than she was when we were together. She was really wrung out and I am to blame for a lot of that. She keeps saying that she called everything off because of her and it had nothing to do with me. I can't argue with that, but I can still say that I feel if I still had my job and if I were healthy, we would probably still be together. She says she invested herself into me too much. I invested my life in her and her two girls. Indeed, I invested my future in her and into having a family of five. I have a feeling that if I had invested less in her, I probably would still have my job. I realize I spent way too much time at my job working on our relationship where I should have been working my job.
I am in an apartment that is full of illegals, in fact, the one neighbor I've actually talked to is being sent back to Brazil next month by immigration. The apartments here are old and unmaintained. I had to fight for two weeks to get a stove that wasn't a fire hazard. The wiring to the burners was burned out and one of the connectors was corroded to the point where it fell off the burner. The A/C has failed here four times already, they've looked at it twice with no improvement in the temperature in the place.