Learning to forgive myself
Well living with oneself does press the point about who's to blame for dissatisfaction. I was riding my exercycle this evening, rocking out to salsa tunes on the iPod and enjoying the cold air blowing in the window. I kept thinking about the slim, athletic figure I enjoyed only a few short years ago.
Instead of blaming the exBF (though he was not a healthy influence in my life style) and rather than beating myself up about it, I simply extended grace. I forgave myself. I meant it and said it aloud over the tune in my ears. Even the regret seemed to slip out of my somewhat compressed upper body. I notice that I consciously pull my shoulder back. I pedaled awhile with my hands behind my tilted head, letting my heart open...a bit.
I haven't been one to give myself much slack. Since I'm inside my skin I guess I don't really notice.
It is so much more convenient and entirely ineffective to blame somebody else or continue to flail your poor conscience with guilty invectives. You shoulda, shoulda, shoulda.
Well, what if I watch out for this mental habit of self-scolding and maybe also give myself a break, or even a deserved compliment once in awhile? Would I be more peaceful? I think so.
I began school after break today entirely at peace -- I enjoyed teaching, engaging my students, managing things, explaining, and I came home satisfied. That's the way it should be, isn't it?
Of course I'm running on a fresh rest, like a good battery charge. I will have to try not to discharge it all at once early in the week.
Forgiveness. I always thought that was up to God to dispense. And certainly, grace placed in human hands seemed to make sense to extend to others. Being oblivious to self is a virtue in some religions and so why would I forgive myself? And yet, it seems fitting.
I breathe a sigh. Nurturing one's soul...simple.
Instead of blaming the exBF (though he was not a healthy influence in my life style) and rather than beating myself up about it, I simply extended grace. I forgave myself. I meant it and said it aloud over the tune in my ears. Even the regret seemed to slip out of my somewhat compressed upper body. I notice that I consciously pull my shoulder back. I pedaled awhile with my hands behind my tilted head, letting my heart open...a bit.
I haven't been one to give myself much slack. Since I'm inside my skin I guess I don't really notice.
It is so much more convenient and entirely ineffective to blame somebody else or continue to flail your poor conscience with guilty invectives. You shoulda, shoulda, shoulda.
Well, what if I watch out for this mental habit of self-scolding and maybe also give myself a break, or even a deserved compliment once in awhile? Would I be more peaceful? I think so.
I began school after break today entirely at peace -- I enjoyed teaching, engaging my students, managing things, explaining, and I came home satisfied. That's the way it should be, isn't it?
Of course I'm running on a fresh rest, like a good battery charge. I will have to try not to discharge it all at once early in the week.
Forgiveness. I always thought that was up to God to dispense. And certainly, grace placed in human hands seemed to make sense to extend to others. Being oblivious to self is a virtue in some religions and so why would I forgive myself? And yet, it seems fitting.
I breathe a sigh. Nurturing one's soul...simple.