[fic] Nakajima x Yamada - Meeting is the Beginning of Parting [1/1]
Title: Meeting is the Beginning of Parting
Author: BG
Pairing: Nakajima Yuto x Yamada Ryosuke
Ratings: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
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He watches from the wings. Yamada twirls and sashays and Yuto finds himself as mesmerized as everyone else in the audience. A lone figure in the centre of a very large stage and yet, right in this moment, more so than any other time or place, Yamada is larger than life. Yuto remembers meeting Yamada for the first time; seems like such a long time ago now. His heart had fluttered at Yamada’s sweet smile and he had been breathless ever since.
Yamada’s a performer now. Through and through, a crowd pleasing idol with a disarming wit and a charming smile. It makes Yuto frown.
He watches from the wings. It is all he ever seems to do.
It happened so suddenly. Yamada was his friend. A good friend, his best friend and then suddenly he wasn’t. He was now something else; something more and the whirlwind of emotions swirling through him made him feel ill. He can’t pinpoint the time it all changed. One day, Yamada was rushing up to him, eager to talk, eager to please and then seemingly the very next day it was like Yuto no longer existed. There was a time, not all that long ago really, in which it had looked like all Yuto’s hopes would come to fruition and then the clouds passed over the sun in the sky and nothing became of the shadows.
Yuto felt generally like he had been sucked into a deafening vacuum of silence and then shot out through a wind tunnel into a strange land where Yamada no longer cared what he thought. A world where Yamada no longer cared for him.
It makes him want to cry.
Yuto turned to others for friendship, for comfort. He tried so hard to smile and laugh and be normal, as normal as he could be. When Keito told him in no uncertain terms that he was not a replacement and that he should not be treated as one, Yuto realized that the most important thing about friendship is that it is a two way street.
He spends a lot of time with Keito. When he allowed himself to feel, he realized that he could laugh with Keito and smile with him and not just pretend to do all those things. For the first time in such a long time, Yuto felt the tinges of happiness seeping into his soul. The days seemed brighter and not as long as they had before. It makes him smile.
His world was rocked on its axis one mirthful day when Yamada dropped a comment about Yuto spending all his free time with Keito, like it was entirely Yuto’s fault that Yamada had spent his day off completely alone because everyone else already had plans.
Yuto retaliated before he could bite his tongue. Really, Yuto doesn’t like to fight, he doesn’t like to argue.
You spend all your time with him now?
Yuto can almost taste the tension in the air; such a bitter sour taste.
“It isn’t like that.”
Sure it’s not.
“You’re always busy. I’m tired of waiting. I can’t wait for you my whole life.”
I never asked you to.
“Exactly.”
As he walks away Yuto realizes that never before had he ever felt so low. It’s true. Yamada had never asked him to wait. Yuto had just not wanted to let go. Perhaps it was time.
The very thought made him miserable.
He struggled to regain the happiness. It came and went too fleetingly it was almost as if it was never there. The laughter doesn’t come easily now and it saddens him because Yuto is living his dream. Everyday should be fun - hard work - but fun. Instead every time Yamada fills his field of vision a dark storm cloud threatens to burst at the seams.
There are times were he thinks everything could go back to the way it was. On set when Yamada grabs his hand in the all group cheer, his heart flutters and he keeps his still in that circle of hands instead of pulling away like he had when Yabu and Keito had touched his hand. It seemed silly but it felt wrong but Yamada’s touch made his skin burn and tears prickle behind his eyes.
It was at the moment Yamada touched him that Yuto realized that whatever was between them had been left ambiguous for far too long. If it was over…if it was over before it ever really got started then Yuto wanted to close that book in his life once and for all.
Not knowing for certain. It was agony.
He cornered him as he was coming out of the dressing rooms. It was late. He had pushed Yamada back into the dressing room and locked the door, turning a deaf ear to the indignant call of his name. Apparently Yamada hadn’t appreciated being man-handled but right at that moment, Yuto could care less.
“Who are you Yamada?”
His question was met with the blink-blink of Yamada’s girly lashes and a blank stare. So he asked again.
“Who are you?”
He still received no answer.
“You’re a pretender.”
“I think you mean performer.”
“No. I don’t. I said pretender. Sure you perform. We all do. But you pretend. It’s like you hide away the real you and show the world something fake. Why did you leave? I thought….I though that we - that you and I… A while ago you told me I spend all my time with Keito. You’re right. I do. He doesn’t mind my company. He doesn’t shun me or push me away. You’re always busy. I’m tired of waiting. I was tired of having our plans canceled. I want to live. All I do is wait in the wings and watch you. I’m tired of not living. I…”
Yuto blushed scarlet when he realized the implications of his words.
Yamada just blinked at him.
“You only said it the once and I believed you.”
At those words Yamada’s eyes met his, wide and a myriad of emotions fluttered through them, too quickly for Yuto to read.
“Did you ever really love me?”
No answer came and Yuto felt his eyes fill with tears. It was with a heavy heart that Yuto realized he would indeed have to close the book on this chapter of his life. Lock it away so he was never tempted to read through it again.
He turned away as the first tear fell; unable to look upon Yamada anymore. He unlocked the dressing room door and pushed the door open. His body jerked just as he was about to step into the artificially lit hallway.
“Wait.”
As he looked over his shoulder he could see the gentle smile gracing Yamada’s lips.
Yamada’s hand held steadfastly onto his own. Yuto again felt tears fall as he watched Yamada lace their fingers together. His smile now a brilliant grin beneath heavy bangs and tear laced lashes.
xXx
A/N: T__T buh. I suck
Author: BG
Pairing: Nakajima Yuto x Yamada Ryosuke
Ratings: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own them.
archive
He watches from the wings. Yamada twirls and sashays and Yuto finds himself as mesmerized as everyone else in the audience. A lone figure in the centre of a very large stage and yet, right in this moment, more so than any other time or place, Yamada is larger than life. Yuto remembers meeting Yamada for the first time; seems like such a long time ago now. His heart had fluttered at Yamada’s sweet smile and he had been breathless ever since.
Yamada’s a performer now. Through and through, a crowd pleasing idol with a disarming wit and a charming smile. It makes Yuto frown.
He watches from the wings. It is all he ever seems to do.
It happened so suddenly. Yamada was his friend. A good friend, his best friend and then suddenly he wasn’t. He was now something else; something more and the whirlwind of emotions swirling through him made him feel ill. He can’t pinpoint the time it all changed. One day, Yamada was rushing up to him, eager to talk, eager to please and then seemingly the very next day it was like Yuto no longer existed. There was a time, not all that long ago really, in which it had looked like all Yuto’s hopes would come to fruition and then the clouds passed over the sun in the sky and nothing became of the shadows.
Yuto felt generally like he had been sucked into a deafening vacuum of silence and then shot out through a wind tunnel into a strange land where Yamada no longer cared what he thought. A world where Yamada no longer cared for him.
It makes him want to cry.
Yuto turned to others for friendship, for comfort. He tried so hard to smile and laugh and be normal, as normal as he could be. When Keito told him in no uncertain terms that he was not a replacement and that he should not be treated as one, Yuto realized that the most important thing about friendship is that it is a two way street.
He spends a lot of time with Keito. When he allowed himself to feel, he realized that he could laugh with Keito and smile with him and not just pretend to do all those things. For the first time in such a long time, Yuto felt the tinges of happiness seeping into his soul. The days seemed brighter and not as long as they had before. It makes him smile.
His world was rocked on its axis one mirthful day when Yamada dropped a comment about Yuto spending all his free time with Keito, like it was entirely Yuto’s fault that Yamada had spent his day off completely alone because everyone else already had plans.
Yuto retaliated before he could bite his tongue. Really, Yuto doesn’t like to fight, he doesn’t like to argue.
You spend all your time with him now?
Yuto can almost taste the tension in the air; such a bitter sour taste.
“It isn’t like that.”
Sure it’s not.
“You’re always busy. I’m tired of waiting. I can’t wait for you my whole life.”
I never asked you to.
“Exactly.”
As he walks away Yuto realizes that never before had he ever felt so low. It’s true. Yamada had never asked him to wait. Yuto had just not wanted to let go. Perhaps it was time.
The very thought made him miserable.
He struggled to regain the happiness. It came and went too fleetingly it was almost as if it was never there. The laughter doesn’t come easily now and it saddens him because Yuto is living his dream. Everyday should be fun - hard work - but fun. Instead every time Yamada fills his field of vision a dark storm cloud threatens to burst at the seams.
There are times were he thinks everything could go back to the way it was. On set when Yamada grabs his hand in the all group cheer, his heart flutters and he keeps his still in that circle of hands instead of pulling away like he had when Yabu and Keito had touched his hand. It seemed silly but it felt wrong but Yamada’s touch made his skin burn and tears prickle behind his eyes.
It was at the moment Yamada touched him that Yuto realized that whatever was between them had been left ambiguous for far too long. If it was over…if it was over before it ever really got started then Yuto wanted to close that book in his life once and for all.
Not knowing for certain. It was agony.
He cornered him as he was coming out of the dressing rooms. It was late. He had pushed Yamada back into the dressing room and locked the door, turning a deaf ear to the indignant call of his name. Apparently Yamada hadn’t appreciated being man-handled but right at that moment, Yuto could care less.
“Who are you Yamada?”
His question was met with the blink-blink of Yamada’s girly lashes and a blank stare. So he asked again.
“Who are you?”
He still received no answer.
“You’re a pretender.”
“I think you mean performer.”
“No. I don’t. I said pretender. Sure you perform. We all do. But you pretend. It’s like you hide away the real you and show the world something fake. Why did you leave? I thought….I though that we - that you and I… A while ago you told me I spend all my time with Keito. You’re right. I do. He doesn’t mind my company. He doesn’t shun me or push me away. You’re always busy. I’m tired of waiting. I was tired of having our plans canceled. I want to live. All I do is wait in the wings and watch you. I’m tired of not living. I…”
Yuto blushed scarlet when he realized the implications of his words.
Yamada just blinked at him.
“You only said it the once and I believed you.”
At those words Yamada’s eyes met his, wide and a myriad of emotions fluttered through them, too quickly for Yuto to read.
“Did you ever really love me?”
No answer came and Yuto felt his eyes fill with tears. It was with a heavy heart that Yuto realized he would indeed have to close the book on this chapter of his life. Lock it away so he was never tempted to read through it again.
He turned away as the first tear fell; unable to look upon Yamada anymore. He unlocked the dressing room door and pushed the door open. His body jerked just as he was about to step into the artificially lit hallway.
“Wait.”
As he looked over his shoulder he could see the gentle smile gracing Yamada’s lips.
Yamada’s hand held steadfastly onto his own. Yuto again felt tears fall as he watched Yamada lace their fingers together. His smile now a brilliant grin beneath heavy bangs and tear laced lashes.
xXx
A/N: T__T buh. I suck