Father's Day
Man, what a father's day weekend.
I kept thinking I should write about it, but it's all so unexpected yet long anticipated, frightening and exciting, confusing and simple, how do I possibly express everything in words?
Maybe I'll keep it simple.
Sara and I have wanted to adopt since... OK, I'm backing up even further. Sara and I have *planned* on adopting since we were dating, though obviously those plans were very nebulous at first. If you look at http://lpsmith.livejournal.com/tag/adoption you'll find a series of three posts (well, four now with this one), the first of which was from February of 2007. 2007! And there, I talk about how the first time we went to an adoption introduction seminar it was early 2006. In 2007 we finally started the process in earnest, going to classes and figuring out what route we wanted to take. We found an agency, Antioch Adoptions, which focused on the foster/adopt process, where you become licensed both as foster parents and as adoptive parents, and take in a child who is still in the foster care system and not 'legally free' to be adopted, but the people involved with the case know that that's where it's heading. So by accepting some uncertainty into your own life (the child may end up going back to their biological family after all, or a stable relative may be found, or who knows what else), you give the child the chance to have a stable home, something they desperately need.
So we took the classes and became licensed to adopt, and then we were wiped out for a while and put off getting our foster license, and then we tackled that stack of paperwork and found it much less onerous than we had anticipated, went through more interviews and home studies, and finally became an official foster home in December of 2008.
Then nothing happened for a while, as Antioch was going through some sort of upheaval. Then finally in April, we got a new social worker, who came and interviewed us *again*, and then in May she contacted us about a girl she thought might work! That one fell through (her social worker didn't think she was ready for daycare yet), and then we were contacted about a second child, and then a third, and those didn't work either, but there was definite forward momentum.
Then she contacted us about... well, hmm. Since I would rather not make this my very first friendslocked post, for the sake of her privacy I will call her Sandi. Sandi was four years old, of mixed race (black/Hispanic), and loved to sing. She was exhibiting some difficult behaviors, but all of them seemed to Sara and I like ones we could easily deal with. Things moved forward sort of tentatively; there were a couple other families that also were interested in fostering her too. After a few emails back and forth , a reschedule or two, and talking with her foster mother on the phone a couple times, we finally ended up going to a meeting up in Everett (where she was living) to meet with her current foster mother, Sandi's social worker, our own social worker from Antioch, and a few others. We expected the other families to be there too and to maybe talk about the differences in our homes, but once we got there, it turned out the other families had bowed out. And in the next hour or two, we basically determined a) that we knew what her current behaviors were, b) what sorts of things would need to be done with her in our house, and c) that she would visit us that weekend and the next, and then move in with us on July 5th.
Move in with us! This was it! For something that took over two *years* to happen, this was just ridiculously quick. We went to the park with Anna (the foster mom) to meet Sandi and watch her play some, so we at least could say we had seen the child once before accepting her into our home. She was adorable. We waited in line with her at the bouncy house and chatted with her and her current foster parents. Then we drove back home, periodically looking at each other in astonishment.
Father's day, two days later, Sandi was over at our place for a sleepover. We went to the pool, which the four of us almost had to ourselves--we caught it at a perfect sunny window in an otherwise grayish day. When Ellric and I had a pillow fight, she gathered the stray pillows to give back to Ellric so he could throw them back at me. We all had dinner together. Then she wanted to play dress-up, so she got on her Princess Ariel dress, inspiring Ellric to get on his Blue Power Ranger uniform. Then we danced in the living room, and designated one half of the room for just dancing, and one half for dancing and pillow fighting. We all brushed teeth together, and since she had forgotten her toothbrush at home, we gave her the choice of the blue toothbrush or the blue toothbrush. She handed me back the blue toothbrush and took the blue toothbrush instead. Then I read Sandi's 'Disney Princesses' book (her favorite) to both her and Ellric and put everyone to bed. Reportedly, she will resist going to bed. She was asleep in half a minute.
At one point, Sara came up to me and asked, "How are you doing?” "I'm in love," I replied. Ellric, knowing this was sort of the 'trial run' before deciding for sure to have her join our family, told me as I tucked him in. "I think today was a pretty good day. We should ask her tomorrow if she thinks today was a pretty good day, too."
I drove her back to Everett the next morning after sharing breakfast with my folks, and then this last weekend she was back for two more days. Since everything had been working out just fine, Anna, Sara, and I sat down with her when she arrived to tell her she would be living with us next week. That was kind of hard, because I wanted to ask if she wanted to live with us, or at least would be okay with it. And while she almost certainly would have said yes, Anna and others thought that unfortunately, that might give her unreasonable expectations for the amount of control she has in her life. As a foster kid, she really doesn't have any say in what happens to her. As much as she would want to, she can't go back to living with her mom right now--probably not ever. And she shouldn't *have* to make those decisions anyway--she's only four! As she gets older and can handle more responsibility, our job will be the same as any parent's, to give her the responsibility she can handle.
Most of the drama was in my own head, of course, as Sandi only protested, "But I like my bunk bed!" and after a bit of explaining some of the reasons we felt our home was a better fit for her, she was fine, and headed off to play. We went to the pool again, and hung out around the house. Sunday we went to church and later borrowed my folks' van to go get some furniture for her bedroom. After that, we went to my folks' house for dinner, and both of my in-town sisters were there with their families. We were pretty tired before going, and weren't sure if Sandi would be up for it either, but afterwards we were very happy we went. She had a great time playing with her two younger cousins, and even joined in the pig pile climbing all over my soon-to-be-a-fireman brother-in-law. She asked to sit next to my sister Miriam at dinner.
So she's absolutely been on her best behavior the whole time we've seen her, and it hasn't looked like it's even been that much of an effort for her. At this point I'm waiting for her worst behavior just so I can see it, calibrate, and move on. It might take a few months--they told us in our classes that there was often a 'honeymoon' period when the kids first move in with you.
And there are other storm clouds on the horizon--things I probably shouldn't talk about her out of respect for her privacy, but basically summed up in 'things from her past continuing to affect her future'. But I'm not worried. We'll deal with each issue as it comes up, just as we have with Ellric.
And some day, she'll probably find this and read it, if I don't thrust it on her unawares. Hello, sweetheart. I can't imagine what the years since now have been like for you, just like I can't imagine what your life was like before today, though I'm beginning to piece together bits and pieces. But I know that you're still a beautiful child, and that four minutes with you would be enough to make me fall in love with you all over again.
Be safe. Be well. And be strong.
I kept thinking I should write about it, but it's all so unexpected yet long anticipated, frightening and exciting, confusing and simple, how do I possibly express everything in words?
Maybe I'll keep it simple.
Sara and I have wanted to adopt since... OK, I'm backing up even further. Sara and I have *planned* on adopting since we were dating, though obviously those plans were very nebulous at first. If you look at http://lpsmith.livejournal.com/tag/adoption you'll find a series of three posts (well, four now with this one), the first of which was from February of 2007. 2007! And there, I talk about how the first time we went to an adoption introduction seminar it was early 2006. In 2007 we finally started the process in earnest, going to classes and figuring out what route we wanted to take. We found an agency, Antioch Adoptions, which focused on the foster/adopt process, where you become licensed both as foster parents and as adoptive parents, and take in a child who is still in the foster care system and not 'legally free' to be adopted, but the people involved with the case know that that's where it's heading. So by accepting some uncertainty into your own life (the child may end up going back to their biological family after all, or a stable relative may be found, or who knows what else), you give the child the chance to have a stable home, something they desperately need.
So we took the classes and became licensed to adopt, and then we were wiped out for a while and put off getting our foster license, and then we tackled that stack of paperwork and found it much less onerous than we had anticipated, went through more interviews and home studies, and finally became an official foster home in December of 2008.
Then nothing happened for a while, as Antioch was going through some sort of upheaval. Then finally in April, we got a new social worker, who came and interviewed us *again*, and then in May she contacted us about a girl she thought might work! That one fell through (her social worker didn't think she was ready for daycare yet), and then we were contacted about a second child, and then a third, and those didn't work either, but there was definite forward momentum.
Then she contacted us about... well, hmm. Since I would rather not make this my very first friendslocked post, for the sake of her privacy I will call her Sandi. Sandi was four years old, of mixed race (black/Hispanic), and loved to sing. She was exhibiting some difficult behaviors, but all of them seemed to Sara and I like ones we could easily deal with. Things moved forward sort of tentatively; there were a couple other families that also were interested in fostering her too. After a few emails back and forth , a reschedule or two, and talking with her foster mother on the phone a couple times, we finally ended up going to a meeting up in Everett (where she was living) to meet with her current foster mother, Sandi's social worker, our own social worker from Antioch, and a few others. We expected the other families to be there too and to maybe talk about the differences in our homes, but once we got there, it turned out the other families had bowed out. And in the next hour or two, we basically determined a) that we knew what her current behaviors were, b) what sorts of things would need to be done with her in our house, and c) that she would visit us that weekend and the next, and then move in with us on July 5th.
Move in with us! This was it! For something that took over two *years* to happen, this was just ridiculously quick. We went to the park with Anna (the foster mom) to meet Sandi and watch her play some, so we at least could say we had seen the child once before accepting her into our home. She was adorable. We waited in line with her at the bouncy house and chatted with her and her current foster parents. Then we drove back home, periodically looking at each other in astonishment.
Father's day, two days later, Sandi was over at our place for a sleepover. We went to the pool, which the four of us almost had to ourselves--we caught it at a perfect sunny window in an otherwise grayish day. When Ellric and I had a pillow fight, she gathered the stray pillows to give back to Ellric so he could throw them back at me. We all had dinner together. Then she wanted to play dress-up, so she got on her Princess Ariel dress, inspiring Ellric to get on his Blue Power Ranger uniform. Then we danced in the living room, and designated one half of the room for just dancing, and one half for dancing and pillow fighting. We all brushed teeth together, and since she had forgotten her toothbrush at home, we gave her the choice of the blue toothbrush or the blue toothbrush. She handed me back the blue toothbrush and took the blue toothbrush instead. Then I read Sandi's 'Disney Princesses' book (her favorite) to both her and Ellric and put everyone to bed. Reportedly, she will resist going to bed. She was asleep in half a minute.
At one point, Sara came up to me and asked, "How are you doing?” "I'm in love," I replied. Ellric, knowing this was sort of the 'trial run' before deciding for sure to have her join our family, told me as I tucked him in. "I think today was a pretty good day. We should ask her tomorrow if she thinks today was a pretty good day, too."
I drove her back to Everett the next morning after sharing breakfast with my folks, and then this last weekend she was back for two more days. Since everything had been working out just fine, Anna, Sara, and I sat down with her when she arrived to tell her she would be living with us next week. That was kind of hard, because I wanted to ask if she wanted to live with us, or at least would be okay with it. And while she almost certainly would have said yes, Anna and others thought that unfortunately, that might give her unreasonable expectations for the amount of control she has in her life. As a foster kid, she really doesn't have any say in what happens to her. As much as she would want to, she can't go back to living with her mom right now--probably not ever. And she shouldn't *have* to make those decisions anyway--she's only four! As she gets older and can handle more responsibility, our job will be the same as any parent's, to give her the responsibility she can handle.
Most of the drama was in my own head, of course, as Sandi only protested, "But I like my bunk bed!" and after a bit of explaining some of the reasons we felt our home was a better fit for her, she was fine, and headed off to play. We went to the pool again, and hung out around the house. Sunday we went to church and later borrowed my folks' van to go get some furniture for her bedroom. After that, we went to my folks' house for dinner, and both of my in-town sisters were there with their families. We were pretty tired before going, and weren't sure if Sandi would be up for it either, but afterwards we were very happy we went. She had a great time playing with her two younger cousins, and even joined in the pig pile climbing all over my soon-to-be-a-fireman brother-in-law. She asked to sit next to my sister Miriam at dinner.
So she's absolutely been on her best behavior the whole time we've seen her, and it hasn't looked like it's even been that much of an effort for her. At this point I'm waiting for her worst behavior just so I can see it, calibrate, and move on. It might take a few months--they told us in our classes that there was often a 'honeymoon' period when the kids first move in with you.
And there are other storm clouds on the horizon--things I probably shouldn't talk about her out of respect for her privacy, but basically summed up in 'things from her past continuing to affect her future'. But I'm not worried. We'll deal with each issue as it comes up, just as we have with Ellric.
And some day, she'll probably find this and read it, if I don't thrust it on her unawares. Hello, sweetheart. I can't imagine what the years since now have been like for you, just like I can't imagine what your life was like before today, though I'm beginning to piece together bits and pieces. But I know that you're still a beautiful child, and that four minutes with you would be enough to make me fall in love with you all over again.
Be safe. Be well. And be strong.