Marketing plans that transform into major Hollywood movies
Or, movies that transform your mind into mush. Or toys that transform children into customers.
So ednun took me to see Transformers 2 in Camden tonight. He wanted to go to a showing with audio description, which is fair enough, and as his helper, I got in for free, so that was cool. Thanks, man.
It was interesting to watch an audio-described film. I've never tried it before.
They don't broadcast the audio description; you wear headphones. These are big heavy battery-powered wireless ones that clamp over your ears, but quite deliberately don't have padding to block out the sound, because they don't carry the soundtrack. That you get from the cinema speakers.
They're a little odd. They have multiple controls - an on/off switch, another for people with hearing aids (we think), and not one but two volume wheels, one for each ear. The narration isn't in stereo, but this way, you can adjust the sound balance for yourself, in an odd slightly-clunky way, like trying to steer a tank in Battlezone with 2 joysticks.
I'd also like to know how the wireless transmission works. It's some kind of line-of-sight system; turning your head sideways, or holding hands over the 'phones, introduces static, and Ed tells me that when people walk in front of you, the signal is blocked. Infra-red headphones?
They just carry the extra narration. It's pretty detailed in places - they describe the animated production-company logos and things before the titles, for instance. In places, especially if not a lot is going on, they describe the character's expressions and small movements. Entertainingly, the description was very English, too, with words like "knackered" in it. This pleased me quite inordinately. It's not intrusive, but you do have to turn it up loud, because sometimes, he's talking right through very loud action. And oddly, in places, it's rather under-descriptive: when a hot student girl straddles our hero, mounting him as if to screw him, the voice merely says "she sits on him". That ain't what I call "sitting", my friend.
The thing about this film is, though, I am not a Transformers fan. I did not expect to hugely enjoy the film. And I didn't.
Ed, however, is. He's a massive fan. He even bought the book of the movie, scanned it page by freaking page, and then OCRed the whole thing so he could read it. That is dedication.
I could talk about the film. I could talk about its bizarre disjointedness, about how it not only depends entirely on special effects but, oddly, in this one, of effects of military hardware and explosions almost more than giant battling alien robots. I could talk, for quite some time, with feeling, about Megan Fox. OK, so, in real life, she's a tattooed slapper, total trailer-trash, but in the movies, when they cover up all the tats with heavy-duty makeup, well, damn she is decorative. She couldn't act her way out of a wet cardboard box, but she doesn't need to.
Michael Bay is deranged for getting her to put on some extra weight for the film, but I am aware that my tastes in this regard are not the everyman's.
But still, after everything, even now I know the difference between an Autobot and a Decepticon, hypothetical gods help me, I still think the whole damned concept is a load of utter toss.
So it is something of a relief to know that I am not alone.
So I recommend, for the idly curious, The 10 Most Confusing Things in 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen', followed by the greatly more cynical and thus more amusing Bonus! Rob's Transformers 2 F.A.Q.s! from Topless Robot.
Example:
Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.
... and...
Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
Conclusion: skip the film, read the summaries. Some of the reviews are also recommended for amusement value. Metro's one, for instance, entitled "Just skip these robot wars": blank, wet-lipped super-hottie Megan Fox, who looks like she'd scoff LaBeouf for breakfast before spitting him out and moving on to Cheryl Cole". Excellent.
So ednun took me to see Transformers 2 in Camden tonight. He wanted to go to a showing with audio description, which is fair enough, and as his helper, I got in for free, so that was cool. Thanks, man.
It was interesting to watch an audio-described film. I've never tried it before.
They don't broadcast the audio description; you wear headphones. These are big heavy battery-powered wireless ones that clamp over your ears, but quite deliberately don't have padding to block out the sound, because they don't carry the soundtrack. That you get from the cinema speakers.
They're a little odd. They have multiple controls - an on/off switch, another for people with hearing aids (we think), and not one but two volume wheels, one for each ear. The narration isn't in stereo, but this way, you can adjust the sound balance for yourself, in an odd slightly-clunky way, like trying to steer a tank in Battlezone with 2 joysticks.
I'd also like to know how the wireless transmission works. It's some kind of line-of-sight system; turning your head sideways, or holding hands over the 'phones, introduces static, and Ed tells me that when people walk in front of you, the signal is blocked. Infra-red headphones?
They just carry the extra narration. It's pretty detailed in places - they describe the animated production-company logos and things before the titles, for instance. In places, especially if not a lot is going on, they describe the character's expressions and small movements. Entertainingly, the description was very English, too, with words like "knackered" in it. This pleased me quite inordinately. It's not intrusive, but you do have to turn it up loud, because sometimes, he's talking right through very loud action. And oddly, in places, it's rather under-descriptive: when a hot student girl straddles our hero, mounting him as if to screw him, the voice merely says "she sits on him". That ain't what I call "sitting", my friend.
The thing about this film is, though, I am not a Transformers fan. I did not expect to hugely enjoy the film. And I didn't.
Ed, however, is. He's a massive fan. He even bought the book of the movie, scanned it page by freaking page, and then OCRed the whole thing so he could read it. That is dedication.
I could talk about the film. I could talk about its bizarre disjointedness, about how it not only depends entirely on special effects but, oddly, in this one, of effects of military hardware and explosions almost more than giant battling alien robots. I could talk, for quite some time, with feeling, about Megan Fox. OK, so, in real life, she's a tattooed slapper, total trailer-trash, but in the movies, when they cover up all the tats with heavy-duty makeup, well, damn she is decorative. She couldn't act her way out of a wet cardboard box, but she doesn't need to.
Michael Bay is deranged for getting her to put on some extra weight for the film, but I am aware that my tastes in this regard are not the everyman's.
But still, after everything, even now I know the difference between an Autobot and a Decepticon, hypothetical gods help me, I still think the whole damned concept is a load of utter toss.
So it is something of a relief to know that I am not alone.
So I recommend, for the idly curious, The 10 Most Confusing Things in 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen', followed by the greatly more cynical and thus more amusing Bonus! Rob's Transformers 2 F.A.Q.s! from Topless Robot.
Example:
Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.
... and...
Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
Conclusion: skip the film, read the summaries. Some of the reviews are also recommended for amusement value. Metro's one, for instance, entitled "Just skip these robot wars": blank, wet-lipped super-hottie Megan Fox, who looks like she'd scoff LaBeouf for breakfast before spitting him out and moving on to Cheryl Cole". Excellent.