ummm
i dont know wut to do.. i dont know wuts wrong with me.. i dont know who to call ... i dont know if... maybe i am bi polar... i seriously think i am.. although i really dont know the symptoms i think i am.. im ok throughout the day and then when it comes to night i have the biggest feeling of guilt... of shame... of... i dont know what im doin with my life, where im heading, i break down and get emotional for no reason... it scares me. i try to see wut it is driving me insane but i dont know what it is. its like an emptiness... but i have everything i want thus far, i have the acceptance and the friendship with the twins ive always wanted and now that i have it i wonder why i wasted so much time trying to prove myself to them. theyre still great people and i enjoy my time i spent with them whether it be at theyre house or going out to eat or hanging out at band practice or a movie or a concert or just anything... boy was i a loser for wasting so much time for acceptance. and now that i have it unsure of how to use it. i finally asked jaymi out.. and we've been going out for since like january... and we barely hang out and i really want to but its just two differnt worlds for us, shes rarely available and when she is im not and if i am i still do nothing about going over to see her or anything, and............ wuts this feeling... i sumtimes think its sumthing telling me to do sumthing but i dont know wut that sumthing is... KILL! lol jk... but i dont know its a feeling of sunkeness.. as im sinkin... i feel my heart being dragged down, so heavy.. i feel like i have sumthing to write down. to express sumthing but when i try i dont know wut to write down or express... i try to draw but my drawings become scirbbles which then get turn into gibberish.. i constantly find myself writing down "i dont know" all over the place.... but i seriously am happy... just sad and down for some reason when it comes to night... maybe i just want to move out... but i dont see that being the anwser... i think i want more. i want the band to make it and then i move out with the band and we share a house and we all have fun and then... that still wont make a difference since im practically with the band anyways... it has to be something else.. but what... maybe im just delirious.. maybe its just cuz everynight i hear the same cd which consist of the same songs which are all slow and meaningful and kinda depressing songs and therefore it brings me down.... maybe i should turn off the music... maybe then the feelings will away but then i get bored of silence... i like that... that thing u do. that thing u do so good...
so lets talk about life.. im currently not attending school cuz financial aide never came in... i still work at publix... the twins band, After Ten, are recording theyre first demo... theyve won 2 battle of the bands and won like 200 dollars off of it... like i mention already me and jaymi are a couple, but we really see or talk to each other... (just remember the telephone lines do work both ways) i want to move out.. but i wouldnt be able to support myself. therefore want the band to make it and let them support me for a little while... which is a big gamble cuz who the hell said they'll take me along for the ride? i mean i am the one who made theyre website and who books them theyre shows and support and judge theyre music and... i mean all that means shit cuz as soon as they make it they can just simply forget all about me.. but i highly doubt that but then again i could be in for a suprise and thats sumthing im deeply afraid of. ME and christina are no longer friends.. lets just say i talk alot... ALOT of shit and, i mean it was all true, but she found out i was and she got mad and doesnt like me anymore, and i saw her once at the moviues when i went out with jaymi and i thought everything was cool but im not sure... cuz the next day i saw her at publix and she didnt even look at me... and funny shit happened today, her bf called me out of the blue to say wutsup.. it weirded me out so i hung up on him... he didnt call back so he obviously didnt have anything important or meaningful to say... ok im off to bed good night...
so lets talk about life.. im currently not attending school cuz financial aide never came in... i still work at publix... the twins band, After Ten, are recording theyre first demo... theyve won 2 battle of the bands and won like 200 dollars off of it... like i mention already me and jaymi are a couple, but we really see or talk to each other... (just remember the telephone lines do work both ways) i want to move out.. but i wouldnt be able to support myself. therefore want the band to make it and let them support me for a little while... which is a big gamble cuz who the hell said they'll take me along for the ride? i mean i am the one who made theyre website and who books them theyre shows and support and judge theyre music and... i mean all that means shit cuz as soon as they make it they can just simply forget all about me.. but i highly doubt that but then again i could be in for a suprise and thats sumthing im deeply afraid of. ME and christina are no longer friends.. lets just say i talk alot... ALOT of shit and, i mean it was all true, but she found out i was and she got mad and doesnt like me anymore, and i saw her once at the moviues when i went out with jaymi and i thought everything was cool but im not sure... cuz the next day i saw her at publix and she didnt even look at me... and funny shit happened today, her bf called me out of the blue to say wutsup.. it weirded me out so i hung up on him... he didnt call back so he obviously didnt have anything important or meaningful to say... ok im off to bed good night...