What I need is someone to save me.

[lpfreak420]

So yeah im still not in the best mood. Got back from deer camp around 11:30 and then went shopping with my mom and sister. Went to North Park, great fun. I had to get black pants for Beauty and Beau. I cant believe im doing B & B, pageants just arent my thing. Well like always my mom managed to put everyone in a bad mom like she always does. I thought I was gonna have to throwdown with my sister because the lovely gurl of all the wonderful Rankin county schools were there at one time. It was great, Jackson Academy, Jackson Prep, Northwest, Richland--yeah all those great people were there looking at me and my sister crazy and just being...yeah. Me being in a really down mood and all those people and just the whole situation made me have a panic attack. I have never had one in place like that so I had to kind of suppress it some how cuz I could just sit down infront of a store and start to cry. Luckily it was while we were on our way out so I just walked fast. But when I got the car my mom just kept going and brought up the shit about my medication, God I hate that, "my medication" but it just made me break down. I got home hoping I would be able to do sumthing with my friends since I havent seen them since Wednesday and I havent seen laurin since Tuesday. I get home and find out they are planning to do sumthing. I found out they planned this earlier in the week. I dont know, it just seems that evey time Laurin, Charlotte, and Wes do stuff or plan sumthing they always leave me out. Its hard enough to not feel very welcome in your own home, but to feel unwanted by your friends, your strength, its a shitty feeling. I dont know why I think like this, I try and tell myself after the fact that im just being paranoid but it always happens and I cant help it. Lately I've really wanted to break edge. I've just so badly wanted to run from everything I believe in, I havent seen a point in those things. Its just been so tempting to call up someone get some weed or circle and just get away, mostly today, im really disappointed in myself about that. I cant bring myself to take everything I've worked on for the past year and have it come crashing down. I'm also scared that If I started again, especially how things are going, I wont stop. I just wish it was Tuesday around 6 o'clock so I could be running from everything. Playing soccer, when it seems like its just me out there, its allison at her best without all the drama--its where I can run and for an hour and half its not about whats going on in my life, its about me, my team and soccer, but what worries me is that even that isnt what it used to be.

P.S-Its been a year today since our court date at the CPD. Haha good time good time