This man is my friend. He's my manfriend.
I told Superman about my new man friend the other day.
His instinct made him react like he was upset... he said "oh...*sigh*" on the phone.
Then he corrected himself and said he was happy for me and that I must actually like this guy to bother telling him about it. I feel like I wronged Superman somehow...
*my mind is now telling me off for saying i feel bad*
"What the Fuck are you doing Lozzy_Jo?! Why do you feel bad for finally liking someone and being nervous and excited about someone after more than a year of being single and getting used by guys?! Why do you seek approval from him so much?! Why do you want approval and validation from a silly little boy who used you, took your money, used you as a housewife, made you support him, manipulated you so he could fuck you every which way a human being can get fucked. Mind fucking, Soul Fucking and Body fucking were all you had for three years and yet you still pray he sticks around. Just relax, be happy and go with what's happening now. This guy likes you. He remembers things you tel him, he compliments you. you turn him on. He turns you on. You get along, laugh at each other's jokes. you're both a wee bit nerdy and like all the same things! Why not just give him a go?! Let him surprise you every day by calling you, texting you, caring about how your day went... Let him try to make you happy. Let him see your vulnerability a bit...please?!"
*my heart is struggling to win this fight*
"I am still in love with him in some way. I want Superman to get jealous. I want Superman to want me back, even if he doesn't actually ask for me to take him... I like this man friend. A lot. I am scared to let this guy see who I really am. I'm just a naive little girl inside. I still believe in fairy tales. Except no matter how long it's been since I lost Superman and he hurt me, I still know that was the only fairy tale i ever had and that i'll never get another one because i fucked up somehow. Until i figure out what it is i did wrong to not hold on to my Superman, then I have a sneaky suspicion i'm going to fuck this one up too... I want him to probe deeper. I want him to want me to open up and I want him to be a bit more forceful with me i guess. Physically and emotionally perhaps... having only the previous fuck up as a reference point, i can't remember how to start a relationship anymore... i only know how to fight to keep one going. i only remember how to forgive people's sins. I only know how to keep everything bottled up inside and not tell a soul... How do I let this 29 year old, gorgeous person know what's what?! Hmmmm?"
I know that this is all just a load of bullshit, and in the next couple of days, it's 90% likely that i'll edit this and or delete the whole entry to tell the story o what's been going on properly so you are up to speed with tonight's mind set lol!
Anyway... all you need to know is: I have a man friend. He's great! And I am well and truly ready to admit that I'm definitely in like with him :)
♡
His instinct made him react like he was upset... he said "oh...*sigh*" on the phone.
Then he corrected himself and said he was happy for me and that I must actually like this guy to bother telling him about it. I feel like I wronged Superman somehow...
*my mind is now telling me off for saying i feel bad*
"What the Fuck are you doing Lozzy_Jo?! Why do you feel bad for finally liking someone and being nervous and excited about someone after more than a year of being single and getting used by guys?! Why do you seek approval from him so much?! Why do you want approval and validation from a silly little boy who used you, took your money, used you as a housewife, made you support him, manipulated you so he could fuck you every which way a human being can get fucked. Mind fucking, Soul Fucking and Body fucking were all you had for three years and yet you still pray he sticks around. Just relax, be happy and go with what's happening now. This guy likes you. He remembers things you tel him, he compliments you. you turn him on. He turns you on. You get along, laugh at each other's jokes. you're both a wee bit nerdy and like all the same things! Why not just give him a go?! Let him surprise you every day by calling you, texting you, caring about how your day went... Let him try to make you happy. Let him see your vulnerability a bit...please?!"
*my heart is struggling to win this fight*
"I am still in love with him in some way. I want Superman to get jealous. I want Superman to want me back, even if he doesn't actually ask for me to take him... I like this man friend. A lot. I am scared to let this guy see who I really am. I'm just a naive little girl inside. I still believe in fairy tales. Except no matter how long it's been since I lost Superman and he hurt me, I still know that was the only fairy tale i ever had and that i'll never get another one because i fucked up somehow. Until i figure out what it is i did wrong to not hold on to my Superman, then I have a sneaky suspicion i'm going to fuck this one up too... I want him to probe deeper. I want him to want me to open up and I want him to be a bit more forceful with me i guess. Physically and emotionally perhaps... having only the previous fuck up as a reference point, i can't remember how to start a relationship anymore... i only know how to fight to keep one going. i only remember how to forgive people's sins. I only know how to keep everything bottled up inside and not tell a soul... How do I let this 29 year old, gorgeous person know what's what?! Hmmmm?"
I know that this is all just a load of bullshit, and in the next couple of days, it's 90% likely that i'll edit this and or delete the whole entry to tell the story o what's been going on properly so you are up to speed with tonight's mind set lol!
Anyway... all you need to know is: I have a man friend. He's great! And I am well and truly ready to admit that I'm definitely in like with him :)
♡