and i can't sleep, knowing you're crying
people probably think i've changed over the last few months. well, changed more than normal that is. truth be told, i honestly have just becoming more of myself. the hopeless romantic loner that i am. god i wish i could do things less than passionately sometimes. i need to hear her words. my humanity can't keep up with my soul. unfortunately i don't think any of my friends can either. of no fault of their own other than being parts of who they are, phil and alex have managed to make me want to live alone. i want to live alone in a house where i can rot away in peace. being told that i'm bad at everything takes its toll after a while. only took two days this time. getting shorter and shorter everytime. it's just, everything i used to love about hanging around with them i can now do on my own that i can drive. i can finally leave my house by my own volition and go where i want to go for a change. it's unfortunate though, a week of this personal growth has launched me years from them. i don't plan on coming back.
starting with as sparingly as possible, then on with the drunken stupors, and then moving on to mournful drags and half a pack a night, i have progressed. and i find myself not wanting more as much as i ask myself, "what else is there to do?" sleep, don't need that, eat, don't need that either. in fact, the only thing i do need or want right now is the only thing i have yet to accomplish here. i have placed the ball in the other court, yet the racket has yet to swing. and here i sit, lighting up in the most bittersweet patience i can imagine. my life as a smoker. and a lover.
god, the lonely i am right now is odd. i'm purposefully lonely because i can't stand that which is around me. but i wish someone else could be there, unfortunately no i could even begin to ask would either want to or would have something better to do. i need to get the fuck out of this place.
to answer your questions that i know you have, yes. that's not a joke, to any questions you may have had suck as "OMG! matt smokes?" or "he's not talking about a special girl is he?" or "he's not sad is he?" or any questions regarding relatively anything talked about in the last few entries, the answer is yes.
i'm going out of town for a few days. coming back with a car. if anyone, and i do mean anyone is awake late at night meaning early morning, please give me a call. even if you just want to talk about nothing, something, or get something to eat, that'd be incredible. i'd be more than happy to drive you anywhere as well. it's not that i don't have things to do, but those things would simply be better...i think.
thanks for listening.
starting with as sparingly as possible, then on with the drunken stupors, and then moving on to mournful drags and half a pack a night, i have progressed. and i find myself not wanting more as much as i ask myself, "what else is there to do?" sleep, don't need that, eat, don't need that either. in fact, the only thing i do need or want right now is the only thing i have yet to accomplish here. i have placed the ball in the other court, yet the racket has yet to swing. and here i sit, lighting up in the most bittersweet patience i can imagine. my life as a smoker. and a lover.
god, the lonely i am right now is odd. i'm purposefully lonely because i can't stand that which is around me. but i wish someone else could be there, unfortunately no i could even begin to ask would either want to or would have something better to do. i need to get the fuck out of this place.
to answer your questions that i know you have, yes. that's not a joke, to any questions you may have had suck as "OMG! matt smokes?" or "he's not talking about a special girl is he?" or "he's not sad is he?" or any questions regarding relatively anything talked about in the last few entries, the answer is yes.
i'm going out of town for a few days. coming back with a car. if anyone, and i do mean anyone is awake late at night meaning early morning, please give me a call. even if you just want to talk about nothing, something, or get something to eat, that'd be incredible. i'd be more than happy to drive you anywhere as well. it's not that i don't have things to do, but those things would simply be better...i think.
thanks for listening.