Trust
My mind and heart are so numb right now. So many questions are floating in my mind. One of the biggest ones is trust. What is trust? Can I trust anyone? Does my envrioment/society allow me to trust in anyone? etc.
I honestly don't know. I've finally hit this point in my life that I expect disappointment in life and think of the worst case scenerio in all things. So when I think "Can I trust him/her?" What I'm really thinking is "If I trust him/her, I may loose a friend or I may see the true side of him." I fear being alone but at the same time I like being a loner. It sounds contradictory but it makes sense. You see, I hate being alone like anyone else. I want to branch off and socialize/connect with people. But at the same time, I don't want to get involved in serious drama or get hurt or even hurt someone. So I keep to myself. I'm just an observer that watches the grand show of life and instead of joining the actors on stage or helping out the stage hands, I stay in the back of the audience. Constantly observing each actor and stagehand.
In a sense, I guess I can understand why people see me as an enigma. I don't mean to be. I just tend to keep anything personal to myself and not out in the open. Besides, I fear how people would treat me if they knew half of the stuff I've been through or my current problems. I'll admit, I'm not a very happy person even though I come off that way to people. I only seem happy because I hate worrying others too. So even when I'm upset, I try to put a smile on everyone's face or at least stay positive.
But lately, it's not enough for me. And I realize not talking about my problems is only eating at me. It's making things worst for myself. But at the same time, I fear saying anything. So I'm stuck in this weird conundrum. Where I want to say something, scream it even, but I can't because I fear the effect it will have on those I express my feelings to. And I tried to before, only for the person to tell me "it wasn't a big deal." Thinking on it now, they probably meant "you're a strong person, you'll be okay and stop beating yourself up." But the wording was off and it made me think if anyone would care if I even tried to vent my problems at them. I...I just don't know.
In the end, I'll probably not connect or trust anyone because I'm sick of feeling the pain and being disappointed in life. Or I may be proven wrong, (oh how I wish I could be proven wrong) but I'm pretty sure there is a slim chance anyone would care. Because in this world people only care for themselves and only care for others when it effects them.
I honestly don't know. I've finally hit this point in my life that I expect disappointment in life and think of the worst case scenerio in all things. So when I think "Can I trust him/her?" What I'm really thinking is "If I trust him/her, I may loose a friend or I may see the true side of him." I fear being alone but at the same time I like being a loner. It sounds contradictory but it makes sense. You see, I hate being alone like anyone else. I want to branch off and socialize/connect with people. But at the same time, I don't want to get involved in serious drama or get hurt or even hurt someone. So I keep to myself. I'm just an observer that watches the grand show of life and instead of joining the actors on stage or helping out the stage hands, I stay in the back of the audience. Constantly observing each actor and stagehand.
In a sense, I guess I can understand why people see me as an enigma. I don't mean to be. I just tend to keep anything personal to myself and not out in the open. Besides, I fear how people would treat me if they knew half of the stuff I've been through or my current problems. I'll admit, I'm not a very happy person even though I come off that way to people. I only seem happy because I hate worrying others too. So even when I'm upset, I try to put a smile on everyone's face or at least stay positive.
But lately, it's not enough for me. And I realize not talking about my problems is only eating at me. It's making things worst for myself. But at the same time, I fear saying anything. So I'm stuck in this weird conundrum. Where I want to say something, scream it even, but I can't because I fear the effect it will have on those I express my feelings to. And I tried to before, only for the person to tell me "it wasn't a big deal." Thinking on it now, they probably meant "you're a strong person, you'll be okay and stop beating yourself up." But the wording was off and it made me think if anyone would care if I even tried to vent my problems at them. I...I just don't know.
In the end, I'll probably not connect or trust anyone because I'm sick of feeling the pain and being disappointed in life. Or I may be proven wrong, (oh how I wish I could be proven wrong) but I'm pretty sure there is a slim chance anyone would care. Because in this world people only care for themselves and only care for others when it effects them.