Hold you in his arms, yeah you can feel his disease
So... this is the requisite late-night life contemplation. Since I've stopped (ok, not entirely but close) smoking, I don't get to enjoy any more amazing life-contemplating cigarettes, so this will have to be an unworthy substitute.
Just a warning to anyone who thought I would actually be saying anything interesting and/or entertaining: no, I will not. From this point on, it is all about me. So bye if you don't feel like reading my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about this long-distance relationship thing. I hate sleeping alone. That is a plain and simple fact. I would rather feel someone else's breath on my skin and and his fingers in my hair instead of sitting in the silent darkness by myself. But the thing is, I sleep alone a lot. Not by choice, but by circumstance. And it sucks. Sometimes it sucks a lot. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not a cheater and I'm a horrible liar. I feel the need to unburden my conscience even if it will make the other person feel bad. Sometimes that's even the goal. If you haven't really known me since my thugged-out summer, then you probably won't believe any of this "not a cheater" stuff and I probably won't be caring about you. But I really haven't cheated, and it's been a motherfucking long time. And I'm really proud of that, cause if ever I wanted to exorcise my infidelity demons, now would be the time. I could do whatever I want to down here. I can't bring myself to do anything bad though, and that is what is so unnerving.
Am I in some new incarnation as a moral person? I have fucked up really badly in the past, and it seems too easy to just suddenly say, (please imagine self-righteous indignation) "I don't do that anymore". I'm kinda scared that all the bad parts of me that I seem to have left behind in MA will find me when I come back for good. Is that rational? I'm not sure. Maybe I just haven't really been tempted here, and I can't truly gauge anything. But I think I have, both physically and emotionally. I won't go into detail, but if you are cool you already know. You might have even been there. But back to the original worry: what if my madness is Massachusetts-induced and I fuck up when I am home? I basically put a year of my life on hold for this. I suffered through this long-distance bullshit, and I feel like if I fuck it up when I am at home, it will basically be like throwing this year away. But it has to end sometime, obv. I'm not delusional enough to think it won't.
I have no worries about the summer. That will go by in a Paris&Nicole haze of going to the beach all day and drinking and smoking all night. But then fall will come. I don't want to start over again in Boston just to hate it as much as I hate New Orleans. I think a lot of that has to do with being responsible to another person. If I wasn't, I could go out every night and drown any misgivings with booze and boys. But I can't, so I just kinda drift through and hope that phone calls are enough. Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. But if it is too hard when I am at Emmanuel, I have to just stop. Because I'm not wasting another year of my life on this in-between bullshit.
I don't really know where I want to go with this. I hate thinking about shit like this late at night because there can be no resolution. Every cliche turns out to be true at 2am.
So, that's it. Peace goodbye
Just a warning to anyone who thought I would actually be saying anything interesting and/or entertaining: no, I will not. From this point on, it is all about me. So bye if you don't feel like reading my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about this long-distance relationship thing. I hate sleeping alone. That is a plain and simple fact. I would rather feel someone else's breath on my skin and and his fingers in my hair instead of sitting in the silent darkness by myself. But the thing is, I sleep alone a lot. Not by choice, but by circumstance. And it sucks. Sometimes it sucks a lot. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not a cheater and I'm a horrible liar. I feel the need to unburden my conscience even if it will make the other person feel bad. Sometimes that's even the goal. If you haven't really known me since my thugged-out summer, then you probably won't believe any of this "not a cheater" stuff and I probably won't be caring about you. But I really haven't cheated, and it's been a motherfucking long time. And I'm really proud of that, cause if ever I wanted to exorcise my infidelity demons, now would be the time. I could do whatever I want to down here. I can't bring myself to do anything bad though, and that is what is so unnerving.
Am I in some new incarnation as a moral person? I have fucked up really badly in the past, and it seems too easy to just suddenly say, (please imagine self-righteous indignation) "I don't do that anymore". I'm kinda scared that all the bad parts of me that I seem to have left behind in MA will find me when I come back for good. Is that rational? I'm not sure. Maybe I just haven't really been tempted here, and I can't truly gauge anything. But I think I have, both physically and emotionally. I won't go into detail, but if you are cool you already know. You might have even been there. But back to the original worry: what if my madness is Massachusetts-induced and I fuck up when I am home? I basically put a year of my life on hold for this. I suffered through this long-distance bullshit, and I feel like if I fuck it up when I am at home, it will basically be like throwing this year away. But it has to end sometime, obv. I'm not delusional enough to think it won't.
I have no worries about the summer. That will go by in a Paris&Nicole haze of going to the beach all day and drinking and smoking all night. But then fall will come. I don't want to start over again in Boston just to hate it as much as I hate New Orleans. I think a lot of that has to do with being responsible to another person. If I wasn't, I could go out every night and drown any misgivings with booze and boys. But I can't, so I just kinda drift through and hope that phone calls are enough. Sometimes they are, sometimes they're not. But if it is too hard when I am at Emmanuel, I have to just stop. Because I'm not wasting another year of my life on this in-between bullshit.
I don't really know where I want to go with this. I hate thinking about shit like this late at night because there can be no resolution. Every cliche turns out to be true at 2am.
So, that's it. Peace goodbye