"I don't know what I'll become, or who I am, or what I'll be...."
~ I don't understand people that live their lives in fear. I'm not talking about fear of heights or fear of escalators (I will always be terrified of the down escalator, and I don't know why), but I don't understand people that are emotionally afraid. My biggest fear is not taking chances, but it seems like everyone else is living in fear that the next risk they take might be their final mistake. I love the quote that says something about there being no mistakes, just things you did or didn't do. I want to fill my life up with things I've done; I never want to look back and think, why the fuck didn't I say what I needed to say? This lesson is not hard learned, but it was reinforced by a few people.
Example #1- The cowboy
Few people know this story, and fewer still can understand it.
Step one: absolute infatuation with transient boy shapes my life for months (years, if I'm honest)
Step two: find boy after I finally stop searching
Step three: discover boy is not the ideal of perfection that I always thought.
Step four: freedom from stupid idea that letting boy slip through my fingers was my biggest mistake and defining moment.
Now, this is the simplified version. In between, we got stuck in the mud, it was revealed that he is extremely creepy, I killed his car, and I escaped from his lecherous clutches and left him to camp out in the woods.
Either way, I came away from the whole thing with one major lesson learned. Well, two actually, but "don't talk to strangers" is a creed that I still don't strictly follow. I learned that if I had just gone for it the first time, I could have avoided the whole hysterically scary situation.
The problem that I'm now faced with is that very few people want to play the game this way. They want to hold their cards close to their chests, and fold at every possible opportunity. I, on the other hand, want to bet like it's going out of style, even if I have no hand to speak of. If you've ever played Texas Hold Em' with me, you know this is true. Also, if you've ever played with me, you'll notice that I always win. Even when I lose, I still have clearly won.
So, the question remains, how do I reconcile my philosophy of life with those that are still weighing the options? Should I leave behind those that are still shuffling their feet and considering the consequences? Or should I step back and pretend to be timid and cautious and all that other bullshit? "Once bitten, twice shy" seems like a tragic waste of time to me, but I'm not judging, just struggling to understand. But I don't want to consider for too long; I have too many other risks to take and mistakes to make.
Example #1- The cowboy
Few people know this story, and fewer still can understand it.
Step one: absolute infatuation with transient boy shapes my life for months (years, if I'm honest)
Step two: find boy after I finally stop searching
Step three: discover boy is not the ideal of perfection that I always thought.
Step four: freedom from stupid idea that letting boy slip through my fingers was my biggest mistake and defining moment.
Now, this is the simplified version. In between, we got stuck in the mud, it was revealed that he is extremely creepy, I killed his car, and I escaped from his lecherous clutches and left him to camp out in the woods.
Either way, I came away from the whole thing with one major lesson learned. Well, two actually, but "don't talk to strangers" is a creed that I still don't strictly follow. I learned that if I had just gone for it the first time, I could have avoided the whole hysterically scary situation.
The problem that I'm now faced with is that very few people want to play the game this way. They want to hold their cards close to their chests, and fold at every possible opportunity. I, on the other hand, want to bet like it's going out of style, even if I have no hand to speak of. If you've ever played Texas Hold Em' with me, you know this is true. Also, if you've ever played with me, you'll notice that I always win. Even when I lose, I still have clearly won.
So, the question remains, how do I reconcile my philosophy of life with those that are still weighing the options? Should I leave behind those that are still shuffling their feet and considering the consequences? Or should I step back and pretend to be timid and cautious and all that other bullshit? "Once bitten, twice shy" seems like a tragic waste of time to me, but I'm not judging, just struggling to understand. But I don't want to consider for too long; I have too many other risks to take and mistakes to make.